Not accepting today. When will this end? When will I feel good for more than one day at a time? This up and down shit is, well, I have had enough of it.
I had a dream last night ~ a reoccuring dream I have had since childhood. A bear wants to come after me. Harm me. Or so I think. Once I gave it a hug and it melted into me. It was much calmer back then. Today it goes up and beyond rage. In my dream I called on a friend who passed. He came with a shotgun. I said “take it out”.
Was this the answer? Who knows. I don’t know anymore. I don’t have any answers. I feel sick. My body hurts. Inflammation throughout. Weak. Heart area especially feels very weak. Winded easily.
I just want to BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE by hassles. I want to FEEL ME. FEEL the ME I was before I decided to come to this shit hole.
Pardon the expletives. Not feeling the “love and light” energies. Or as I hear “bullshit” in my mind.
Good on those who have mastered this. They have had more help.
Some of us have walked alone for eons. Dismissed. Disrespected. Raped. Tortured.
Today I thought – perhaps I did this to some people along the way.
Dumping my pain on another person. Horrible thing to do.
Letting myself by manipulated into engaging in such darkness.
Horrible thing to do.
Am I forgivable?
Are any of us?
My belief within says everyone else is forgivable except for me.
In fact, I am pretty sure Source or an Angel could show up and tell me I am forgivable and I wouldn’t believe any of it.
Am I beyond healing?
The deep dark stuff coming out.
Who put this shit in me?
And WHY DID I LET IT STAY??
How is one person supposed to deal with so much heaviness?
Peel back the onion, get some relief, think you are going to be able to BE for awhile – then some fucking spiritual”lesson” kicks you in the ass again.
I never should have come here in a physical body.
I don’t understand the systems of being here. Of being a person.
Of being ANYTHING OTHER than the “live and let live” philosophy.
Can I just admit that I failed?
I wave the flag, Universe.
I did my best. And I failed.
Somewhere within I am pure.
Feeling it though is like walking through fire.
And I am tired. Tired of the journey.
So be it.
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