Yesterday was an “OW OUCH” day. Today?
Did anybody else notice “out there” felt discombobulated, extremely agitated?
From my daughter to my mate to my girl’s friend who came to play today to the people I encountered at the store ~ I just wanted away from it all today.
The store I normally frequent ~ which is usually a pretty calm experience ~ was unreal. It felt like every person I walked by was oozing anger and showing signs of fatigue and/or deeply unaware of their surroundings.
There was the woman talking loudly on her cell phone who ran into my cart, clueless until I pointed out “hello human being here” and she said “oh sorry” loudly, while giving me a dirty look. “There is no reason for you to speak so loudly to me,” I said as she walked away.
Then there were the people standing in the middle of the aisle, while I waited for them to either move or notice me. When neither happened I said “excuse me”. Nothing. “Excuse me,” I said again. Nothing. “I said EXCUSE me”, pushing on through, bumping into them. And believe it or not, nothing. They did not move.
Next aisle had the guy who was speaking rudely to the woman he was with, talking down to her because she failed to hear the king’s request that she stay put, which prompted me to clear my throat and give him a look. If there is one thing that triggers me instantly and perks me awake is that masculine “I am the ruler of this space” b.s. I wanted to say “I’m sorry I thought that behavior you are exhibiting had left this realm” but continued on my way instead.
However…I later ran into him and he was talking politics with an elderly woman. “We have to get rid of this idiot in the White House. He’s ruining this country.” I snorted when I heard that. He glanced my way and I said “you don’t know as much as you believe you do.”
My patience with the unawakened masses of bots in this realm just wasn’t happening. I probably should have stayed home.
But if I had, I would not have had the opportunity to share a moment of tenderness with a mom of two little girls who were obviously trying her patience. I know that experience. Hearing her talk I knew if she were at home the volume of her words would have been higher. As I watched her my heart began to open. We aren’t supposed to live this way. Detached. Robotic activities, raising our children alone. Throwing them into institutions to occupy them and raise them and fill their heads with nonsense.
The insanities of this realm have always weighed on me. Always.
So as she walked by I placed my hand on her shoulder and said “you are my hero in this moment”. She gave me a look. I told her I was a mom, I know the feeling of exhaustion, frustration, just wanting a break. She relaxed and smiled and we chatted for a brief moment. Before she left I said “I just wanted you to know that I see you. That someone saw you today.” Oh wow – I don’t know where those words came from but as I heard myself speak them I even surprised myself with how totally perfect those words were for that moment. She smiled and gave me a beautiful thank you and I thanked her back.
I was thankful for that moment of connection. It made me want to go find that guy from earlier and tell him something similar. Acknowledge his experience ~ which is extreme frustration over the current administration here in the states. But then I thought nah, I have had enough conversations with such people who, for whatever reason(s), have so much animosity, the moment you share anything positive about what’s going on they tend to put on the “jerk” hat. And given what I had already experienced before going to the store, I was in no mood to be at the brunt of another person’s emotional drama.
I left the store in an interesting space. I was still feeling the connection from the woman as well as the unpleasant experiences. As I got into the car, I shut the door and yelled. I just yelled and yelled and yelled. And then I had no more need to do so, so I started the car and took the long way home. I thought again of the reality I want. Now. How long I have known this. How long I have felt it all. And how my patience to see it manifest is up. Getting others on board ~ in this area ~ just ain’t happening. It is time to hook up with my tribe and my Higher Selves have some work to do to bring this forth to my experience. Or as I later told my spouse: If my galactic family wherever it is I have lived were to show up today and everything in me said “YES it is you” and they then asked “want to come” I would leave in a heartbeat. I felt the brunt of all of the years of work I have spent writing and sharing and longing for the new (this is by far not my first blog, btw). The conversations. The questions I have asked. The ideas I have shared of “let’s do this!”
And here I still am. As I drove I wondered why….at this point. WHY AM I STILL HERE? (I’m not talking about being a mama to my girl. Obviously I know that is part of my package. I just want to know WHY AM I STILL IN THIS REALITY when I find it so fully lacking in resonance with what I am and desire.)
I simply will not wait any longer to at least BEGIN to create the New as I desire.
Coming home to a quiet house was a nice way to ease back into my domestic life. That is until my girl and her friend returned. Her friend was obviously feeling some of her own angst and started exhibiting it. No, I thought. Not in my house. Not today. I am not up for this.
So I was grateful when she said she wanted to go home.
I don’t know why this has to be so painful. So difficult. Such a struggle. We fell (or as a friend so correctly said “we were pushed”) quite quickly. We can rise again just the same.
Until then, I am going to get some rest. Or perhaps I will go get in the car and drive away as the two other people who live here are once again showing signs of their own distress. And my body cannot take the noise. The energy.
I had enough today “out there”.
On we go…