Awoke to a very deep experience of depression ~ deeper than yesterday. I didn’t want to do anything but be still and sleep. Escape, escape, escape, my mind begged of me. Please find a way to escape me out of this reality.
I want to go home. I want to be in that new earth realm I have dreamed of, envisioned, for so many years. The longing hits me like a freight train. Want to be where my Soul longs to be. Where every piece of my heart longs to be. Where all I have to do is think of it and it is right there in my minds eye, in my heart, as real as anything else I can hold in my hands. As bizarre as it may sound, I keep feeling my people are there. My life is there, waiting for the next stage of this difficult, baffling, always amazing journey. This reality doesn’t resonate with me. It never has. It never will. This is not a feeling that will change, nor do I feel the need for it to.
I am not here to fit in. I am here to be a part of the NEW.
I let myself feel it all. I cried. I kicked at the sheets. Words of “NO MORE” and “WHY?” and “ENOUGH!” blasted out of me. I’ve done my part, just let me get on with the journey! Decades of research. Numerous blogs and writings. Sharing to an often disruptive, blindingly ignorant audience. lol That is definitely part of the territory I did not expect, believe it or not. The way people will cling to their illusions, refusing to entertain a new thought, well let’s just say that brings forth experiences for me to remember patience and tolerance. For as long as I can remember in this life, I have always and I mean always wanted to know the truth, no matter how deep or winding of a path I had to travel.
That life long experience of loneliness is just so fucking overwhelming at times. Victoria wants her cake now. AND she wants to eat it!
Rawness. There is a beauty in it. And I really feel for any person who has not allowed themselves to go to that level of authenticity. All of those accumulated thoughts build up, creating an energy that needs to be channeled, lest it get trapped in our bodies, creating disease and certainly making any otherwise created disease worse. A system that programs us not to explore this truth and in fact programs us to dismiss it and judge those who opt for this journey.
As I told my girl today, for whom we have adopted a no-disney-movies approach (well most of them – some of the pixar ones we allow) in this house, you have to be very strong to walk your own Unique path, able to take the heat from those who will question you for being different. Visualize it melting off your back. At this young age, saying something like “that’s just how we do things” is fine. And walk away or change the topic. Nothing more to say. A seed was planted and always is whenever someone is presented with a new idea, concept, thought. It may never bloom in the current incarnation, but it’s in there, nonetheless.
Back to current symptoms. Depression. When a boundary is violated, I react immediately. Questioning whether I need to be more in a place of responding instead of reacting when being so freshly honest in the moment is, well, refreshing. Also some occasional spine issues and wow some real tingling in on the top of my head. Cells vibrating madly the last 48 hours – so much so I visibly shake. At times I have to let myself just shake like a traumatized animal releasing the trauma, the vibrating is so intense. Wanting to go home ~ very strong. Ready to be done with this leg of the journey ~ overwhelming. Need for NEW – equally as overwhelming.
And so it goes…
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