Today’s Energies and Emotional Experiences ~ Walking The Journey of Uniqueness and The Need To Remember Inner Strength To Remain Steadfast


Awoke to a very deep experience of depression ~ deeper than yesterday.  I didn’t want to do anything but be still and sleep.  Escape, escape, escape, my mind begged of me.  Please find a way to escape me out of this reality.

I want to go home.  I want to be in that new earth realm I have dreamed of, envisioned, for so many years.  The longing hits me like a freight train. Want to be where my Soul longs to be.  Where every piece of my heart longs to be.  Where all I have to do is think of it and it is right there in my minds eye, in my heart, as real as anything else I can hold in my hands. As bizarre as it may sound, I keep feeling my people are there.  My life is there, waiting for the next stage of this difficult, baffling, always amazing journey.  This reality doesn’t resonate with me.  It never has.  It never will. This is not a feeling that will change, nor do I feel the need for it to.

I am not here to fit in.  I am here to be a part of the NEW.  

I let myself feel it all.  I cried.  I kicked at the sheets.  Words of “NO MORE” and “WHY?” and “ENOUGH!” blasted out of me.  I’ve done my part, just let me get on with the journey!  Decades of research.  Numerous blogs and writings.  Sharing to an often disruptive, blindingly ignorant audience.  lol  That is definitely part of the territory I did not expect, believe it or not.  The way people will cling to their illusions, refusing to entertain a new thought, well let’s just say that brings forth experiences for me to remember patience and tolerance.  For as long as I can remember in this life, I have always and I mean always wanted to know the truth, no matter how deep or winding of a path I had to travel.

That life long experience of loneliness is just so fucking overwhelming at times.  Victoria wants her cake now.  AND she wants to eat it!

Rawness.  There is a beauty in it.  And I really feel for any person who has not allowed themselves to go to that level of authenticity.  All of those accumulated thoughts build up, creating an energy that needs to be channeled, lest it get trapped in our bodies, creating disease and certainly making any otherwise created disease worse.  A system that programs us not to explore this truth and in fact programs us to dismiss it and judge those who opt for this journey.

As I told my girl today, for whom we have adopted a no-disney-movies approach (well most of them – some of the pixar ones we allow) in this house, you have to be very strong to walk your own Unique path, able to take the heat from those who will question you for being different. Visualize it melting off your back.  At this young age, saying something like “that’s just how we do things” is fine.  And walk away or change the topic. Nothing more to say. A seed was planted and always is whenever someone is presented with a new idea, concept, thought.  It may never bloom in the current incarnation, but it’s in there, nonetheless.

Back to current symptoms.  Depression.  When a boundary is violated, I react immediately.  Questioning whether I need to be more in a place of responding instead of reacting when being so freshly honest in the moment is, well, refreshing.  Also some occasional spine issues and wow some real tingling in on the top of my head.  Cells vibrating madly the last 48 hours – so much so I visibly shake.  At times I have to let myself just shake like a traumatized animal releasing the trauma, the vibrating is so intense.  Wanting to go home ~ very strong.  Ready to be done with this leg of the journey ~ overwhelming.  Need for NEW – equally as overwhelming.

And so it goes…


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A Thought on Compassion And Forgiveness


I have been reading some pieces and watched a video on escaping the matrix.  The tool to get us out?  Compassion.  Forgiveness.

In one sense, I agree.  The frequencies of compassion and forgiveness do not resonate with the matrix energies.

And then there is another thought on compassion and forgiveness.  I have read where (supposedly) the families, the controllers of keeping the systems going in this matrix are “afraid” of exposure, afraid we won’t find forgiveness or compassion.  Personally, I do not see how one who has participated in such darkness for so long would be afraid of that.  I feel they are afraid of the masses sending them to the guillotines.  They are afraid of getting hurt ~ and beyond.

Giving them the benefit of the doubt for now – IF they really do wish us to forgive them and show compassion?

End the game.

Stop their mandates on our lives.

Stop poisoning our air and water.

Stop the chemtrail program.

Release the suppressed technologies.

Full disclosure of EVERYTHING that they have witheld from us.

THEN we as a collective Being will be in that energy space to be compassionate and forgiving.

But to tell humanity we must be in this energy space of compassion and forgiveness now is pre-mature.  Not until we SEE where the prison games have come to an end and they have owned their responsibilities in it, THEN we will rise to the occasion.

I see it this way.  We all want pie.  We know it’s there ~ waiting.  And yet the bakers refuse to let us have it.  They say “forgive us THEN we will give you the pie”.  To which I say – you have given us no reason to give you that level of trust.  We have learned different.  Let us have the pie which is rightfully ours, then we will begin the forgiveness process.

This is a process that requires ALL of us working in full transparency, authenticity, honesty and responsibility.


Solar Eclipse Capture ~ White Orb ~ Possible Nibiru Too?? ~ August 21, 2017


UPDATE:  Uploading another photo ~ one of the shots I took of the chemtrail also had several white orbs in the sky ~ that were not visible to the naked eye.  YAY for infrared on our digi cameras!  Anyway, this pic is at the bottom and the white orbs are on the upper left.  Will upload more if I find anything else.  I sure do wish and intend to have full vision capacities so I can see this stuff with my own eyes/brain.

Editor’s note ~ Ignore the date.  My camera was showing today at August 20 for some reason.  Time glitch?  lol  Pretty amazing experience.  I was surprised at the chills and strong emotions I felt.  You couldn’t hear the people all around cheering in the background.  Below the video are photos I took of a variety of things, including a white Orb we saw appear right at the totality.  It wasn’t the balloon we saw released by NASA (who was here for a presentation) as that had already drifted well due west – plus had an lime-green attachment at the bottom of the tether.  They released a bunch of balloons today to sent into the upper atmosphere to measure bacteria. Actually the balloons are releasing bacteria to simulate a mars-like environment.  Something like that.  Read about it yesterday.  I included a photo of the balloon.  I also included a photo of the bastards laying a chemtrail just minutes before the eclipse right at the position of the sun – after a totally clear morning. Coincidence?  Yeah, I think not.  Now I just noticed as I uploaded that chemtrail shot – check out that weird round reddish object off to the right. Did not see that when I took the shot.  WTH??  I know when people capture nibiru this is what she looks like.  Will send it off to a couple of folks for analysis.  Anyway when we saw the white object off to the right at first we thought “what’s that?  a star?”  But then when the totality was over, it remained and another appeared.  And they moved – slowly gaining in altitude until they winked out – one first then the other.  And for fun, the last one, our local squirrel who, during the lead up to the totality, went a little wild.  Caught him in a leaping move.  Anyway, check it all out and enjoy.  And share if you want!  Much love!  ♥  


Solar Eclipse ~ August 21, 2017 West Coast 

Healing/Energy/Personal Space Update


So…………  deep breath…..

I made myself get out of the house and we took our child to a local street fair.  Thousands of people.  In the heat.  A recipe for discomfort for me but I made myself do it as I knew it would not only be a good experience for my girl, but it may bring me something useful as well.

Walking around, I noticed a yoga class in the grass.  A ha ~ I can do that. So while my mate took our girl to the play equipment, I plopped down on the grass and said “ok Self Source, guide me, let me release”.  As the instructor spoke (in this beautiful, gentle but also powerful voice, which was just what I needed), she guided us to “release what is weighing on you deeply at this moment.  See if you can relax it some.”  Immediately I think of my thoughts and emotions I had earlier, brought them up and breathed it out loudly.  Tears began to form and fall.  I didn’t care.  Crying in public no longer an issue, thankfully (thank goodness screaming in public is something I refrain from because I wanted to do a bit of that as well).  I stretched, breathed and cried. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. Over and over I said this.

After some time, I was guided to look up.  There in the sky was a cloud in the shape of a dove.  Wow.  So much gratitude filled me.  I was seen.  I was not alone.  (Yes, I know this is true.  But sometimes, well sometimes we all need these moments to remind us of this truth.)

I did some more guided moves and again was told “look up”.  The cloud dove was still there, in spite of the winds and other clouds changing shape.  Wow.  The “I’m sorry” part of me was changing back into the “thank you” space.

After we came home, my girl and I delivered a little hand-made card and flowers to a neighbor whose birthday was yesterday.  On the way to her house, I noticed two birds – doves – that flew up onto the roof just as we entered the property.  

I can now fully admit that letting myself feel love for myself – from myself – from others – from Source of ALL – is hard.  Really hard, which explains so much of this life and a few of my memories of previous incarnations.

And I can fully admit I create this experience.  I certainly participated in it.

And that was then.  And this is now.

I am right on that cusp of letting go and being willing to dive into something new.  Self love.  The kind that permeates.  Without doubt.  To REMEMBER again.

Letting love IN.  Oooh, I could just take a year long bath in that energy. Unconditional love.  This has been missing on this planet ~ among all of us ~ for far too long.  And I have a feeling that for myself, I am just touching this energy.

More than anything, I want is to remember it and feel it and Be it once again.

This experience is of no coincidence given what I believe is coming in now and strengthening with the eclipse tomorrow.  Every month or so I have this come up again for me – it used to come up once in a long while – sometimes years would pass.  The year of 2017 it has been monthly.  The urgency to feel it and let it go to let the NEW in NOW is palpable.

I intend this experience for me.  And for all of you.

Let’s intend this unconditional love experience for one another.

Another Flatliner of a Day


Not accepting today.  When will this end?  When will I feel good for more than one day at a time?  This up and down shit is, well, I have had enough of it.

I had a dream last night ~ a reoccuring dream I have had since childhood. A bear wants to come after me.  Harm me.  Or so I think.  Once I gave it a hug and it melted into me.  It was much calmer back then.  Today it goes up and beyond rage.  In my dream I called on a friend who passed.  He came with a shotgun.  I said “take it out”.

Was this the answer?  Who knows.  I don’t know anymore.  I don’t have any answers.  I feel sick.  My body hurts.  Inflammation throughout. Weak. Heart area especially feels very weak.  Winded easily.

I just want to BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE by hassles.  I want to FEEL ME. FEEL the ME I was before I decided to come to this shit hole.

Pardon the expletives.  Not feeling the “love and light” energies.  Or as I hear “bullshit” in my mind.

Good on those who have mastered this.  They have had more help.

Some of us have walked alone for eons.  Dismissed.  Disrespected.  Raped.  Tortured.

Today I thought – perhaps I did this to some people along the way.



Dumping my pain on another person.  Horrible thing to do.

Letting myself by manipulated into engaging in such darkness.

Horrible thing to do.

Am I forgivable?

Are any of us?

My belief within says everyone else is forgivable except for me.

In fact, I am pretty sure Source or an Angel could show up and tell me I am forgivable and I wouldn’t believe any of it.

Am I beyond healing?

The deep dark stuff coming out.

Who put this shit in me?


How is one person supposed to deal with so much heaviness?

Peel back the onion, get some relief, think you are going to be able to BE for awhile – then some fucking spiritual”lesson” kicks you in the ass again.

I never should have come here in a physical body.

I don’t understand the systems of being here.  Of being a person.

Of being ANYTHING OTHER than the “live and let live” philosophy.

Can I just admit that I failed?

I wave the flag, Universe.

I did my best.  And I failed.

Somewhere within I am pure.

Feeling it though is like walking through fire.

And I am tired.  Tired of the journey.

So be it.


Tonight’s Message ~ We Are


Universe, Creation, Spirituality

I will begin by saying it was a rather challenging day.  First I felt the energies pummel me in a new way (which I understand now means the old is shedding so the new can be made visible).  Secondly, it was a late night last night as my mate sliced his hand open and had to go to the ER for what turned out to be surgeon’s glue.  No stitches.  I was grateful it wasn’t worse ~ and also annoyed that this meant additional work for me (certain chores he cannot do for a week).  I know- petty in a way ~ but i am already overly taxed these days, longing for a real vacation away from this daily grind.

And then later today I was questioned and laughed at as to my world view and visions I hold for the new.  All of that added up to me reaching a point where I said “eff this ~ you can have your own reality ~ i am done with sharing my thoughts that you asked to hear only to be laughed at and criticized”.

So I nursed my heart and ego.  As I did so, I began stating “I Am Free.  I Am Source.  I Am Powerful.”  Something happened though.  I felt/heard “Go beyond that.  Go to where We Are.”

Now I have been intending to go beyond the beyond lately.  Just came to me as an impression one day.  I felt it out and thought “yes let’s explore”.

I Am more than I Am.  We are ALL ‘We Are’.

Not the same ~ but One.

I have spent a lot of time in doing my “I Am” intentions and remembering.  At least enough time on making that my sole focus.  It is now time to incorporate the We Are aspect.  Quite the challenge for me some of the time as I still hold this disdain towards the populace at large. I am a part of THEM in some way?  Ooooh, I don’t think so.

And yet part of me Beyond the Beyond knows different.

‘We Are’ goes beyond words.  Goes beyond beliefs. It really is that space of just Being.

One of the things I was challenged on today was how we can have a society where we are self-governing, where we agree to allow one another to live and let live ~ in the true spirit of the term.  I was receiving a barrage of questions on my perspective.  I was getting flustered at this point.  A trigger for me is being questioned ~ grilled actually ~ as though I am on trial.  I had that in my childhood so I am familiar with the tactic adults do when faced with a new thought they don’t wish to consider so instead they pick apart the thought with all sorts of attorney-like questioning.  It annoys me to NO END!  I have trained myself to respond differently and say something like “I am not comfortable with this line of questioning.  How about you take some time to contemplate what I have said and we can continue this conversation later.”  I was in no mood to take this approach today.  And I was quite exhausted and had a child nagging at me “i want to go hoooooooome” so the only answer I could come up with when asked “how is this even possible?  this way of living you suggest?” was a rather exasperated “Higher consciousness think”. What’s that, I was asked?  Oh good lord, I thought!  Guiding my child out the door I said “google it”.

Yes….  Sometimes I am more than happy to hold the hand of another, meaning I will explain fully certain thoughts, phrases and the like.  Other times, not.  Today I was absolutely uninterested in hand-holding.

I thought about this exchange thoughtfully later on.  How I could have spoken differently.  And how CAN such a diverse group of beings ever really unite together?  I wanted to smack this person on the head.

Well, within I hear the guidance.

Drop the stories.

Drop the beliefs.

Drop the judgments.

Drop it all.  All the garbage that creates separation.

Dump it out until you are just pure Being Space.  Where all just IS.  When we are in that space, we do no harm.  And we accept.  And allow.

A very resonating, pleasant space to be ~ a space I feel more and more until I forget or get tired or just don’t have the motivation to find it again.

Until I do find it again.  And the more I find that space, the more my ego is willing to relax.  Let go the need to explain, be right, etc.  Be in that space of just chillin’ (I knew there was a reason I loved using cannabis back in the day).  For this isn’t about silencing the mind or the stories.  This is about going BEYOND that space.  This is about knowing we have another option ~ another option besides just ignoring the stories or telling myself to let them go.  Those are still stories, still words.

This is about going BEYOND the words.  

I don’t have “words” really to describe it ~ I just know when I touch it and experience it.  And it is in THAT space where truly there ARE NO WORDS.

And no desire to do harm to another.  For I know ~ We Are.  


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Wow.  Entire family is lambasted today ~ including the youngest member. A definite “move slow/take-it-easy day”.  Really needing to communicate telepathically today as other’s voices are grating on me, including my own.  Desperately needing silence.  Prepping energetically/spiritually for the eclipse energies.  Here’s a quick video by Allison Coe, QHHT out of Portland reminding us to stay focused on the reality we Desire.  At the moment that desire is rested and fully restored/healed.  Quite interesting to me the eclipse finishes up here in Oregon at 11:11.  A number of importance for me for 25 years.


What Are You Going To Feed?


Words of wisdom spoken to me by my Highest Self.

What are you going to feed in this moment?

Observe your thoughts.  How are they making you feel?

Feed love.

Feed belief.

Feed courage.

You got this.

You are remembering.


A bit later, I thought of a friend of ours who has cancer.  Shall I say ~ had cancer.  All signs indicate she is free and healthy.  She has this amazing faith.  At first I thought she has this amazing belief system, but really it’s faith she has.  Yes, she follows a religious structure.  But it goes beyond that.  She has this VERY strong faith that she is not alone.  She not only thinks it and believes it, she KNOWS it.

I could feel in my body the difference between belief and faith.

Belief comes from outside of Who We Are.

Faith ~ within.  It IS Who We Are.

Transcend belief into faith.

I rather liked that one.


Emotional Roller Coaster Ride


I was so grateful for the latest piece by Jennie Schiltz, where she speaks of this emotional roller-coaster experience many of us are going through. One day we are in calm states, often escalating to experiences of bliss and then the next day we are afraid, angry, apathetic.  Such is the process for merging again with our Highest Self and Source.

Yesterday I was, overall, pretty neutral.  Regaining my balance state again after the previous day of purging more old stories.

Today ~ calm.  Creative self full of new stories and insights.  It began after a night of some amazing dreams which I will share in another piece.  Too good to keep to myself.  Even my neighbor, who is a Hillary supporter, thought they were “very intriguing”.  He knows who I am.  Heck, most of my neighbors know I am “one of those”.  When the crafts appear more noticeably and all signs of change come into view, this house will be the go-to place for some answers and maybe even some reassurance.

This calm state slowly morphed while my child and I were out and about getting some flowers for the yard.  I didn’t do much with the yard this year.  Normally I have pretty little flower gardens.  This year ~ leftover primroses took up the space along with a sad looking, lone pansy.  Last night the yard spoke to me ~ please add some color.  I hesitated ~ money issue.  Best spent on food.  But when my girl said she would put forth some of her money, I decided to take her up on that.  Normally whenever she offers such a sweet gift, I turn her down.  She was so excited to help though, I decided sure, why not.

So we scored some 99 cent deals and headed home.  Peter Frampton came on the radio.  I love his music.  Show Me The Way.  This feeling began to grow inside of me.  It continued to expand.  The lyrics “I can’t believe this is happening to me” play.  I thought the same thing for I knew what was and is happening.  I can’t believe this is happening to me.  Another leap in awakening.


Feeling ME.  The way that is Natural.  Meant-to-be.

Feeling Source.

I could feel the presence of so many who have helped liberate earth all around me.  Around us.  Waiting to walk among us.

“You are magic,” I heard.

We all are.

I wanted to shout it for all to hear only no one was outside.

So I shouted it to the trees.  The birds.  The people inside their houses.

It is happening.  And it is only going to continue, overall, to get more beautiful.

Words to carry close to my heart.

Maybe Now Is The Time To Listen…


Maybe now is the time to listen.

To listen to the cries of the black race who have stories to tell of oppression and mistreatment.

To listen to the demands of the Natives who have had enough of the government telling them where they can live and what they can do with their sacred land.

To listen to the silent tears of the children who have been abused, tortured, bought and sold by the most horrible of people.

To listen to the false cries of bravado by the masculine who has been mislead into believing they are the dominating, controlling gender all while completely forgetting their tenderness and vulnerability.

To listen to the far-too-often timid cries and stories of the feminine who has been suppressed and controlled while completely forgetting their power and right to control their own Being.

To listen to the cries of the neglected and abused animals who just long to live as we all do ~ freely, with dignity and love.

To listen to ALL of our stories.  Man.  Woman.  Black.  White.  Rich.  Poor.

We all have them.

And it takes a very open heart and a silent ego to be brave and willing to listen to the painful stories of another while recognizing our own triggers and be as brave and willing to put them aside, just for a moment, to Listen.

We see the collective rage.  We feel the collective pain.  We hear the collective screams of NO MORE.

We are in this Together.

Something magical happens when one truly feels listened to and heard. We’re inspired to heal.  We’re inspired to begin the process of forgiveness and letting go.  And we’re inspired to start telling a new story while seeing the truth ~ they are all stories.  And we all have them.

So maybe, just maybe, instead of spending all of our time screaming our own stories, we use a little bit of that time to Listen to the stories of another.  For nothing is more beautiful to me than the act of listening in silence, authentically, to another as they share their story.

Maybe it is time, Humanity.

Maybe it is time to just Listen.


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