I woke up this morning with deep heaviness in my heart. I had experienced a dream of a childhood sweetheart who I am friends with today. I had thought about him before I went to bed and felt a bitter-sweetness to the thought. He’s battling cancer and in the dream, he turned into a little boy and I was trying to help him put on his shoes. He was so sweet, little, innocent. I was able to get his shoes on before I woke up. I checked my facebook page later on and see his entry – he’s still battling and had a small setback today.
As I pulled myself out of bed, I noticed an unpleasant smell in the living room – that of a neighbor – who has deep deep unresolved issues, one of which includes bathing being a rarity. They had come over yesterday – unannounced – and stayed for just a moment. I can’t be around the energy right now. In fact, the energies of everyone are overwhelming me at the moment. Any type of conflict or visual images of pain/suffering put me into a tailspin. So back to the smell – I immediately cleansed/cleared and lit my resin. Will have to be more assertive in what I allow into my personal space. Can’t really be around friends much either – noticed that again last night. I immediately now sense if there’s a disconnect. JUST CANNOT DO IT! If I force myself to be in such spaces, my body revolts.
My mate had a friend over and when he arrived, I was quiet. Unusually quiet. He later asked my mate if I was angry with him. Goodness, no. Just feeling a lot of old pain today and am rather reflective/introspective.
The tears started about an hour ago and have continued. Tears over lost connections with family. With friends. Pains from the past. Those things I wish I had done and those things I wish I hadn’t done.
Allowing myself to be a verbal and emotional punching bag far too many times.
Allowing myself to keep my heart to myself out of fear, shame, embarrassment.
Not teaching myself boundaries earlier.
Wishing I had been stronger in my younger years. More assertive. Wiser.
Wisdom with courage. A necessary combination if one is to make it in the world the way it has been. That and a lot of support.
Just when I think “I have released this one” up it comes again. Another layer. For release. With love, comfort and absolute acceptance.
Will I get this healing stuff right?
Is there something else I could be doing?
I have no answers today to any of that so for now, I’m just Being with who I am in this seemingly never-ending but always changing story.
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