Oh, after having such a beautiful dream experience last night where I was in the new earth realm, connecting with others, absolutely no stress, no outside systems of control or power ~ waking up feeling so lovely and calm and peaceful. The way I know I can and am desiring to.
But then stuff starts coming up. I have had several experiences in just the last 3 days of people stepping all over my boundaries. And yes I spoke up and asserted myself – but when does that stop trolls from making the initial intrusion? I am quite a simple person in some ways. I do not like intrusion or questioning. I have stated verbally to those closest to me: If you feel I need help or support, ask what I need.
But this dynamic of some having absolutely no sense of boundaries asking their questions and when I either choose not to answer or supply an answer that isn’t of their liking, it still makes me want to fucking scream and punch someone’s lights out but good when my personal truth is not respected. Again ~ask me what I need but never assume to know what is best or right for me.
I have been questioned about choices I am making. I am an adult. I am perfectly capable of communicating my needs. I accept those who fall into the category of “family” (a term I use very lightly anymore) as they are. It ain’t forthcoming back at me. Again ~ want to help me? Listen as I speak my needs. If not, at this point in my life, shut the fuck up and go the fuck away.
The anger runs deep. And I have to acknowledge her and give her a voice. For 48 hours I have silenced her with soothing words and by speaking thoughts of “do not let this trigger you – let it go – just let it go – we are beyond this – we KNOW the truth of who we are”. Helps for a bit until it comes back up – this week it has come back up because I had another episode put into my experience late last night that brought up over 20 years of “stuff”.
All I can do is honor myself and let go of the new age spiritual dogma that turns a blind eye to the inner world of emotional repressed pain – or just pain alone – by using the tactic of soft silence – silencing the inner experience with pretty unicorns and love and light (false love and light). I am completely aware of my “stuff” at this point. I know what I need to do. And I am also fed the fuck up with having anyone in my life who doesn’t honor me or respect me. If you’re still knee deep in programming, especially when it comes to human relating, go away.
I feel the need to create a giant sign and wear it. It will say something like “Old Victoria is no longer open for your business”.
In the meantime, purge this stuff, love it as I love myself.
And put on my “do not disturb grumpy cat” hat.
Onwards we go….
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