There is a fiery rage burning inside me today. And it is much needed. Because the past few days I have gone down – way down – into a very dark pit of absolute unworthiness, and this rage is lighting the fires of my self worth once again.
Let me start from the beginning. I haven’t had a ‘job’ since the end of 2012. Yup, for almost 5 years I have not been doing what I did from age 17 to age 25 – going to work 5+ days a week and receiving a paycheck for it.
From the outside it would be easy to assume that I’ve been ‘living the life’. I spent the first several months of my ‘retirement’ travelling, then stayed with my parents for 15 months in beautiful Raglan. I then went on the benefit and lived in amazing New Plymouth for 18 months. And now I am living in a gorgeous home in stunning Whangamata, and my husband works to support us both. He pays ALL the bills and often works big hours to be able to do it. Meanwhile I do the housework, laundry, cooking and cleaning – basically making his working life as comfortable as it can possibly be – but I also spend a lot of my time sleeping, reading, walking on the beach and generally relaxing. On the OUTSIDE.
The way that 99% of society views my life and my history for the past 5 years really affects me, and it has been one of the reasons why I have gotten really down in the past few days. I have no idea what people say about me behind my back, but I know that in many circles I am perceived as lazy, selfish, a ‘bludger’ and someone who expects everything to be handed to them on a plate. This idea of me fucking KILLS me inside, and it hurts because it is far too easy to see how people come to these conclusions. In the face of so much conviction in this outward illusion, I find it hard to stand my ground and remember the worth in what I am REALLY doing. I slip so easily into judging myself harshly, feeling that I should be doing more – especially in the times when my husband (who actually LOVES working and would go crazy if he couldn’t do it) gets tired and stressed about money. I try to stop those negative thoughts in their tracks but I inevitably become weighed down with guilt and caught up in the illusion that my life is one long holiday while my husband slaves away every day just to keep us afloat.
Let me paint you a different picture from the INSIDE. Since 2012 I have been on an INTENSE path of spiritual awakening and healing. The start of my awakening was euphoric and blissful, but it wasn’t long before I started the process of healing myself and clearing away all that is not in alignment with my higher self. The clearings were periodic at first; maybe once a week or every few days I would have a big emotional outpouring that lead to new revelations about myself. But as I fully woke up and stopped jumping between my old world and the new spiritual world I’d tapped into – I began to spend ALL my time in a state of spiritual awareness, and my spiritual healing became a round-the-clock job. Yes, JOB. I swapped a well paid, society-approved 3D-world position of employment for something that was almost completely invisible – for which I would receive no pay, no thanks, no annual leave and holidays, no awards and accolades; and to top it off, my greatest success would be viewed by almost everyone in my life as a mental breakdown. GREAT.
On the other hand, I had finally found what I was put on this planet to do. And it felt SO FUCKING GOOD. It also felt terrible a lot of the time, because the very nature of the work is uncomfortable to say the least. But I THRIVED on it, I was GOOD at it – really good – and I knew that healing myself was not just about myself; I was healing my family, my ancestral line, and the whole collective consciousness too. Every time I made a big shift in myself, I created a pathway for everyone else to shift in the same way. I was transmuting outdated patterns of energy right left and center, I was busting through glass ceilings like a superhero on a mission, and unravelling centuries old programming every damn day. I was lighting up this planet with my blazing soul, and showing EVERYONE that there was another way – a BETTER way.
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