Having love for all.
Some seem to have great ease with this.
I am not one of these people.
Maybe it is my age.
Or maybe it is just me.
As one who has grown weary of so much, I have stumbled into this space where I don’t care to be around others, much less feel love for them.
In fact, I have a rather strong disdain towards the masses today. My heart has shut herself off ~ lost faith in this grand awakening.
Today, I simply want to Go Home.
Go to that place I have seen in my dreams and waking visions.
My new home on this new earth. The new construct.
Next to my little one, it is the only thing giving me peace these days.
I have a bitter taste in my mouth when I think of reaching out and helping others awaken.
Not that it was ever my responsibility or anyone else’s to awaken another. Sharing myself with others, my thoughts and the like, just ain’t happening. I feel like either they are disappearing or else I am.
I have impressions and memories of once being a very Aware Being, very Loving.
While I am Aware, I am not so into the feeling love-to-all.
Does this mean I’m not as aware as I think?
Am I just burned out?
I don’t know.
I just know what I want.
And this way of living on this earth doesn’t cut it for me anymore. And I cannot seem to muster up the patience, desire or strength to get past that.
Today I walked up to my mate, leaned into him and said “my god I just cannot do this anymore!”
And I don’t know what to do with this feeling state.
Do you ever stop and think “How long is a person supposed to just hang on?”
Earlier, while in the garage cleaning up the days toys, I felt this fatigue wash over me. I sat down in the chair, looked up at the chemtrail ridden sky. It was unbelievable today. For that moment, I wished I had ignored those questioning voices within. For that moment, I wished I was still asleep. I actually began to tell the controllers they could have my Soul again in the Matrix for another cycle, wipe my brain of all of this information I have stuffed it with the past 25 years, in exchange for me to get my health back, the energy to be the kind of parent I want to be and for financial success.
A very tempting offer I was starting to create.
While I still desire and intend the above, I immediately stopped myself from proceeding further.
The dark night of the soul, perhaps.
Ugh. I thought I had gone through that process before.
I just simply feel trapped against a wall, my vision too cloudy to see the next step. My fatigue at an all-time high. (Any of you feeling the need to sleep all day the past several days?)
All I want to do now is sleep.
Is this normal?
Something with which to concern myself?
I thought I came here to do this love-all stuff.
Spread my truth.
Share my light. My love.
Maybe my work is done.
Or maybe I just need a break.
Or maybe perhaps I just need to remember to love myself all over again ~ in some new way.
Whatever is going on with me is running very deep, leaving me feeling quite alone (anyone else having relationships end as well), in a quiet, comfy bed where sleep becomes the best friend.
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