In my previous Daily Notes piece I mentioned my ego being the size of Texas. Part of healing the ego is mastering acceptance.
I had a dream last night where I was in front of some apartment or hotel-like place. I was needing to talk with a friend. I was quite upset. She arrived only to tell me now wasn’t a good time – she had someplace to be.
I remember feeling devastated. Alone. I was desperate for someone to hear me and comfort me. And yet here I was in a place I have often found myself when experiencing such feelings – alone with seemingly no one to comfort me or listen. I fully felt that pain in my body in my dream and as I sat down on the concrete ground and began to weep, I awoke. I felt this achy heaviness in my body and this extreme fatigue that I carried with me until I headed to the park with my child where I grounded myself, journaled, wept and eventually let the rays of the sun warm and relax my tired body.
Feeling alone in this world is not a foreign concept to me. As long as I can recall, I have felt like I don’t belong – where my home and tribe are elsewhere – I just don’t know where. Lately this feeling has increased, especially after the death of my friend, who knew me more intimately than anyone else, who also felt very much the same feelings of loneliness, who I went to during my times of fear. Having her gone has left a pretty big hole. I long for my tribe more than ever.
And yet today, at the park, as I journaled my thoughts, I felt, in a deeper level than ever, the importance of acceptance. What I resist persists. What I fight I feed. Sometimes such words are just that – words – until my personality and soul merge as one which then, the words transform into Truth.
It is time to accept myself and my life as it is now – all of it. Even those parts I don’t like. I resist those at times and lose myself in the story of what I don’t like about my life, myself and others. I really saw this yesterday when I spent time going through my journal entries of 2015 – especially the first 7 months. It was overwhelming for me to read my own words. A rare experience.
I am transforming, becoming someone else. And it is time.
Yes, it is time for acceptance.
Accept it. Accept me.
Love it. Love me.
Bless it. Bless me.
And in doing that, I transform Me and It.
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