Earlier today I caught myself both saying something and doing something that I suddenly knew did not come from my own creation, but rather what I copied from others.
This is a growing awareness of mine ~ seeing even further down the programming hole for myself. The feeling is rather icky. I can feel these energy tentacles attached to me, much like Neo when he was still living inside the pod. It is sticky and heavy and I want all that off of and out of me.
I had a conversation with someone who is so deeply programmed, when they attempted to dissuade me to drop my questions over an issue, I saw how tightly the most programmed cling and how passive aggressive behavior is used as one of those tools to keep the awakening questions away from their safe zones.
I have been there myself, although overall not very often. I have always had this need to question and understand – KNOW – everything. I was just too afraid to, aloud that is. You get hushed up enough when young and lack encouraging adults around you, life becomes a solo journey in the area of awakening.
I remember as I entered high school, I desperately wanted to and needed to challenge every single thing these teachers of mine were passing down as “fact”. I wanted to rebel. Break the shackles. Why did I have to sit in some damn hard, wooden desk in a stuffy, smelly room and be told I had to memorize (false) history dates, play sports I had no interest in, and learn how to cut open frogs. Eat the crappy cafeteria food. Have to tolerate the clicks, the gossip and the drama. My adviser told me I would go much farther in life if I took more math and less writing (my passion).
Good thing I didn’t listen to the little twerp. Talk about programmed. All I wanted to do was cut class, be free, smoke a little grass and talk all things philosophical. Which I ended up doing, most of the time, solo. I learned early to have solo conversations with myself, hence to this day I deeply love my own company. A real gift given much of what I hear from others is how they fear being alone. They always want someone around them. Claustrophobic nightmare for me.
Which leads me to my next issue ~ the ongoing growing awareness of the pain of Separation. I was writing about this a few days ago. How do I fill up what feels like a hole? Something missing.
Money won’t do it.
Connecting with others is never permanent.
And being of service to others isn’t the answer either.
Everything authentic comes from within.
It’s a paradox it seems that I can love my time to myself while still longing to “fill something up” within. And that within space is about as deep of a layer as I feel I have.
My insight at this time is as I continue to Remember I will continue to feel the authenticity that is Me. And remembering requires me to feel and release and heal the pain and rage I have gathered over the eons in what has been an experience in separation, which some say was a controlled agenda and others, purely one we willingly chose.
I’m sure by now most of my readers know which theory I feel is true.
That’s all for now.
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