Today’s Energies and Emotional Experiences ~ Walking The Journey of Uniqueness and The Need To Remember Inner Strength To Remain Steadfast


Awoke to a very deep experience of depression ~ deeper than yesterday.  I didn’t want to do anything but be still and sleep.  Escape, escape, escape, my mind begged of me.  Please find a way to escape me out of this reality.

I want to go home.  I want to be in that new earth realm I have dreamed of, envisioned, for so many years.  The longing hits me like a freight train. Want to be where my Soul longs to be.  Where every piece of my heart longs to be.  Where all I have to do is think of it and it is right there in my minds eye, in my heart, as real as anything else I can hold in my hands. As bizarre as it may sound, I keep feeling my people are there.  My life is there, waiting for the next stage of this difficult, baffling, always amazing journey.  This reality doesn’t resonate with me.  It never has.  It never will. This is not a feeling that will change, nor do I feel the need for it to.

I am not here to fit in.  I am here to be a part of the NEW.  

I let myself feel it all.  I cried.  I kicked at the sheets.  Words of “NO MORE” and “WHY?” and “ENOUGH!” blasted out of me.  I’ve done my part, just let me get on with the journey!  Decades of research.  Numerous blogs and writings.  Sharing to an often disruptive, blindingly ignorant audience.  lol  That is definitely part of the territory I did not expect, believe it or not.  The way people will cling to their illusions, refusing to entertain a new thought, well let’s just say that brings forth experiences for me to remember patience and tolerance.  For as long as I can remember in this life, I have always and I mean always wanted to know the truth, no matter how deep or winding of a path I had to travel.

That life long experience of loneliness is just so fucking overwhelming at times.  Victoria wants her cake now.  AND she wants to eat it!

Rawness.  There is a beauty in it.  And I really feel for any person who has not allowed themselves to go to that level of authenticity.  All of those accumulated thoughts build up, creating an energy that needs to be channeled, lest it get trapped in our bodies, creating disease and certainly making any otherwise created disease worse.  A system that programs us not to explore this truth and in fact programs us to dismiss it and judge those who opt for this journey.

As I told my girl today, for whom we have adopted a no-disney-movies approach (well most of them – some of the pixar ones we allow) in this house, you have to be very strong to walk your own Unique path, able to take the heat from those who will question you for being different. Visualize it melting off your back.  At this young age, saying something like “that’s just how we do things” is fine.  And walk away or change the topic. Nothing more to say. A seed was planted and always is whenever someone is presented with a new idea, concept, thought.  It may never bloom in the current incarnation, but it’s in there, nonetheless.

Back to current symptoms.  Depression.  When a boundary is violated, I react immediately.  Questioning whether I need to be more in a place of responding instead of reacting when being so freshly honest in the moment is, well, refreshing.  Also some occasional spine issues and wow some real tingling in on the top of my head.  Cells vibrating madly the last 48 hours – so much so I visibly shake.  At times I have to let myself just shake like a traumatized animal releasing the trauma, the vibrating is so intense.  Wanting to go home ~ very strong.  Ready to be done with this leg of the journey ~ overwhelming.  Need for NEW – equally as overwhelming.

And so it goes…


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Author: Victoria1111

Truthseeker. Philosopher. Goddess. Starwoman. Freedom and Justice Creator. Writer. Musician. Composer.

6 thoughts on “Today’s Energies and Emotional Experiences ~ Walking The Journey of Uniqueness and The Need To Remember Inner Strength To Remain Steadfast”

  1. Yes, the depression has been overwhelming the past few days….no joy, ease, comfort here that some folks are experiencing…really…who are these folks and why can’t I be one of them?

    1. Deborah…because you are the most perfect being in any moment – you can only be You! And wherever You are in this crazy journey, is exactly where you are meant to be. Catherine’s comment has much to be gleaned…she responds to your question, (which is one WE ALL have had at one time or another). May you find peace and ease with the “guests” in your house – they bring many gifts if we are willing to invite them to show themselves to us! Blessings to you dearest one for the Lightness of Being and the Love that “clears out all our furniture” so that the spaciousness which remains is the profound experience of our True Being…Perfectly Imperfect! With Love,

  2. This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and attend them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing , invite them in.~Rumi
    (..Or invite the” house guest outside into nature..where all of you take your ~~too tight shoes of confinement~~ off~~.and dig your toes in the soil…exhale..accept who they are defining thru an emotion..just say hello, there’depression’.. howz yer life werkin’ fer ya?) (*
    ‘Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and the stars mirrored in your own being.”Rumi
    After the solstice…it is like being in Limbo..the zero point…the gestation..I think no expectations is the best avenue to take.. of these huge ‘events’ that get so much chatter with them..and points of view ..of what will be ‘after’..what we want ‘after’..NOW is the magic moment..!!!!
    The thing is..all of this awareness and change and energies..they take integration..they take a time for all to do the work..we are not all in the same energetic space..even tho we may have like mind heart about the world we want to live, many hurdles to be jumped for all..and then wahlah..the shift happens after the shit happened..and we go what was the big angst about?..this moment will be forgotten..don’t loose sight of your vision..whatever that may be for you..but you are not under lock and key..that is an illusion ..throw the damn cage door open ..and use those wings you have tucked away..maybe get one of those mirrors where you can see your front and your behind.(.hahaha..not sure my behind is noteworthy,but) maybe you can see those wings back they s aid in Peter Pan…( the one with Robin Williams..when he forgot he was Peter)
    “What’s your happy thought Peter..think your happy you can fly Peter….”
    That birds eye view up in the sky ..lets you see there are many many many soul lights out there..on this journey….nothing lasts..see that moment I wrote that is now gone..oops there goes another…start nothing if need be..look at yourself in the mirror and smile..dare you not to smile back .(*

    1. Catherine – Oh my what wonderful momentary thoughts you capture and release! You are a beautiful sister-soul where-ever you are – I feel you! This is the most romantic, exhilarating, outrageous ride in all of our universes within, and I for one, am enjoying the heck out it…even in the muck, there is Gold! and Diamonds! and Wings for Flight among the Ethers! THANK YOU for your voice and heart through writing and commenting here – what a gift this morning! I’d like to share your comment with a dear friend who I think will be uplifted by your wisdom shared with us. Have a blessed day, week, eternity! With Love, Laura

  3. Dearest Victoria! I didn’t comment when I first read this post days ago but I find myself here again because I so love and honor you for your authentic voice and courage! Everything I have read of yours is brilliant and REAL! I know the anguish as well, as mom whose allowed parenting to break my heart wide open and breakdown everything that stood in the way throughout this monumental journey we are all on! I too feel as you do, that sadness or concern for those who have not allowed this level of rawness, of sheer agonizing pain of real-eyes-ing the truth and dropping away all that does not serve that truth. The truth of who we ARE is by far the most sought after treasure. And we seek it with a fully provisioned support team for the “trek” and yet the only way up that mountain is as the lone “sherpa” (master-in-disguise), barefooted and without parcel or pack, trudging ever upward! How exhausting and yet satisfying in a weird way…but I, like you, AM DONE! I get it! Ready for a massive exhale and a vacation… for about a thousand years! My Love goes to you for ALL that you have provided over the years and for your dedication to the journey – every Being here has been served by your efforts, your Love and your Light! Thank you from the eternal NOW for YOU! You have made a difference in my life and ALL LIFE EVERYWHERE! With Love, Laura

    1. laura ~ thank you so much! your words are beautiful and descriptive. i swear so many of you need to have your own blogs! lol it still touches me when i am told my words make a difference in others lives ~ a lot! i feel there are many – i KNOW there are many ~ who are DONE and are in need of the EZ button. it is coming and i wish to see us all intending it daily. much love to you and gratitude.

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