i am very tired today – emotionally tired. i feel and see many things around me crumbling ~ much like an old shoe that is familiar but no longer fits. i have been allowing for so long. the longing for new and change is always present.
so i stay the course? do i stay in this house – the same house i have seen myself in after all transitions?
is this transitioning happening? is there really change in the air?
i’ve been speaking about these topics for so long – the political chaos and alleged changes (arrests, new systems, etc. etc.) as well as the event…. i have spilled my heart to many in my life – and now i feel i am beginning to look like a damn fool. the woman who cried wolf. after awhile…..
i can accept maybe i have been played – royally. if so, then what?
i need to carve a new way for myself. think about this logically. whenever i follow my heart about “oh what would bring me joy??” – let’s just say that has not worked out for me professionally. AT ALL. of course when i did the system thing – the work for a living – get a job working for another – i was forced out of that as well. in 2002 a friend said “you need to think outside the box. new ways of being and living are coming.”
so i did. and while i was able to get by, i hardly thrived. i write. i play the piano. that is what i do. (i COULD fly if i had access to those abilities – ha) and both of those industries, to thrive, to do well, you gotta sell out – and you also gotta have good connections. i was never willing to sell out and i also have no connections in either industry. i still tried my own way though and experienced the same result – the never ending closed door.
as i lamented to my mate today – trying not to whine but instead coming from a place of pure heart that is in a lot of pain over this ongoing experience to “make it out there” – where do i fit in? what am i really here to do? what the fuck am i even doing here?
where do i fit in?
where do i fit in?
my desire to talk about all that i see – certainly all that i want to see going on with those around me has waned. i kinda don’t care so much right now. maybe it’s time to drop all of th “conspiratorial” stuff and try the practical way of living again. go by what i can see and touch and put the rest aside. many in my life would love to see me do that. be the fake version of me again.
and yet i don’t do fake. so perhaps balance is in store now. keep on being me – yet do some rethinking and focus on where i am NOW – not on where i wish i were or want to be.
the longing for home…..perhaps it is time to just hang that one up. i know we’re not alone. but until i have a fucking conversation in fucking person with one of these twats, i am rather done giving them any sort of my energy.
where are these arrests? people keep suffering – harm being done to innocent people – and yet the perps keep walking the street. damn – someone shows up in public high on meth and they get arrested. sacrifice a child? broadcast it and walk free. NONE of this sits well with me and NONE of it makes any sense. trust the plan. i don’t blindly trust anything or anyone. when i have a question i expect an answer – especially by one saying “trust us”.
maybe this is just all old programming being called up so i can dismiss it for good. i thought back to the dream i had the other night where i saw myself lying on a table. i had the thought today to go back to that dream state experience, walk over to that person and yell “WAKE UP NOW!” perhaps there is more to that experience than i felt at the time.
just as perhaps there is more to the experiences out there as well.
on i go…
love,
victoria
******
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I, too, over the past week have been having exact same thoughts, especially in regard to 3 main relationships. Where do I fit in? No where. I am so tired of trying to fit into game. People do not want to hear anything I wish to say. Things that are so important to ME. I am dismissed. No one wants to talk about their souls, or even the reasons for crazy sunless weather. So I am totally re-evaluating. I have also been doing tons of crying. Perhaps releasing hundreds of lifetimes of past karmic bs.
This whole stay the course thing is a program. Been thinking it is another way to keep us prisoner and keep the revolution down. Could be another cosmic joke.
Peaceout
Feeling much the same way right now. Not sure what else to say but hope Aluna Ash on youtube is right about October. We’ll see.
i saw that – seems more and more are feeling that month.