Today I met with a potential mentor. It did not turn out the way I had hoped for.
(Good thing I went into this with a fairly neutral perspective.)
However, it did bring me back to a core wound that I wish to expel for good: NOT BEING HEARD.
I had (and have) clearly stated I need someone to PROMOTE me.
I’m not a sales person. That is what I need.
I had (and have) clearly stated I need someone who can help me monetize this site.
What came out of me later was intense purging and rage. How do I ever find peace with the system out there? How do I actually find it within me to be ok with this pay to live system?
I don’t see how I can achieve this for myself.
At this point I surrender. Maybe I am giving up. Who knows. It is difficult to tell the difference in this moment. As I told my mate, if I have to live in my car alone because the limited income I do have has to go to creditor’s instead of the rest of my expenses to survive, SO BE IT.
I am literally sick from being kept awake at night over this shit.
I am literally sick inside from the ongoing stress and worry.
I just fucking want someone to fucking promote me and my products.
I just fucking want someone to help me monetize this site.
And why? I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THESE THINGS in ways that provide the financial success I seek and need.
This is not rocket science here. (rolling my eyes throwing up arms in frustration)
Most of all I would like someone to step up and actually DO THESE THINGS instead of trying to tell me what THEY think I need.
Do people not LISTEN??!!
Do I have something about me that says “Don’t really listen to her words. Instead feel free to inject your OWN perceptions and words of how you think her life SHOULD be.”
And the big question: Why did the Universe align me with this situation? I clearly stated what I was seeking ~ let it go ~ and this is the result?
Another dead end?
Another space where I am once again on my own with all of this money-making promotion bullshit?
I trust myself.
Is the Universe not to be trusted?
Is it all just a giant game ~ a sucker punch for the most sensitive, the most compassionate, kind people who just want to make a difference in the world AND make a living at it?
I am reading an article about a woman – much like myself. Except her husband is healthy and makes good money to pay all of their bills. I could chill and relax if I had that life BUT I DO NOT. (other than that one part that is triggering me at the moment, it is an awesome piece which i will share)
My mate is disabled and our income is limited and fixed. The two of us worked yesterday afternoon doing yard work for our neighbor (only because we need the money) and he can barely move today. I would have done it all only my mate has the ability to prune professionally and I don’t and our neighbor is selective on how his trees/bushes look.
Let me tell you ~ I feel like I have been an underpaid slut for the system and I just am not having it. Instead of finding peace in this I am finding a growing raging lioness who is saying NO MORE. As a prisoner in this matrix I DEMAND TO BE RELEASED.
For this is Who I Really Am:
I am deserving and worthy of having a monthly massage.
I am deserving and worthy of having a tutor and part-time nanny for my child.
I am deserving and worthy of having a part-time chef.
I am deserving and worthy of having an energy healer.
I am deserving and worthy of having my hair professionally cut every couple of months (instead of the hack job I must do myself).
I am deserving and worthy of getting a spa treatment when I feel the need.
I am deserving and worthy of having a big house on 5 acres. Off grid. Complete with food replicator, a hot tub, in the trees, on a quiet road in a small community of like-minded/like-Soul and heart people.
I am deserving and worthy of ALL OF THIS.
And THAT ~ that is what I put out to my Highest Selves, my multi-dimensional Selves, The Source that is Me and to ALL of the Love Frequencies of the Cosmos.
IT. IS. DONE.
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