Hurting

I don’t know why I’m here on this earth anymore other than to be a mother to my child.  And yet how am I supposed to do that without money?  Love doesn’t buy anything.  In my version of reality it does, but hey that isn’t here yet and how do I know for sure it is really happening? Those visions and dreams and intentions ~ how do I know for sure?

I don’t.

Going on blind faith has never been my “thang”.

What started out as a website I thought was to help unite many of us has dissolved into nothing.

I no longer know what I am supposed to do.

I no longer feel a sense of purpose.

I am trapped against a wall as I have said with no vision of how to get out.

I’m so desperate I am taking survey’s online now – which turns out to be maybe $3/hour.

Why can’t I get you all to commit to just $1/month?

This tells me you do not value what I do.

To those who have donated, I am so grateful.  That has not changed.

It just has not been enough for me to continue putting in the time on this site for free.  I have myself and a child/family to think about.

So with that, if anyone knows of someone who would like to buy this blog, let me know.

This is just another situation, again, where I put my heart into something and end up being abandoned.

I have visited this issue and done all I can to heal from it.

I just want to feel like I belong and that what I DO has value.

Why this ongoing rejection, I don’t know.

Surrender it all.  Which I do.  Daily now.

But still I wake up with a heaviness in my chest.

Why do I write these words?

Who will read them?

Who will respond with anything useful and truly loving.

I made a mistake coming to this reality.

And I made a mistake creating this site.

Expectations I have – yes I set them high – when I follow my heart.

Perhaps my ex was correct when he said “you wear your heart on your sleeve.  You do that and you will get eaten alive.”

I have been eaten alive.  He was right.

And I despise him for that as he is one of the 99% who refuse to awaken to their hearts, instead continuing the same pattern of darkness, projecting it onto others, dismissing suffering and calling foul when someone speaks from their pain.

God forbid someone asks for help, right?

I know what Love is.

I know what Love does.

That’s all there is to say.

 

 

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Author: Victoria1111

Truthseeker. Philosopher. Goddess. Starwoman. Freedom and Justice Creator. Writer. Musician. Composer.

5 thoughts on “Hurting”

  1. Dear Victoria,
    I would like to take a small piece of your day, to remind you of your truth. And this truth is Love, the fact that you are a true gift to this planet, and from your birth you only bring more Light in this Earth. Please find trust and safety in the fact that this Universe is based and held by Love, and from Love we came, and from Love we will return. In this fact, you are endlessly Powerful and because of this fact of You and your Magical Blog – I have endless hope for this planet.
    Chin up, eyes forward.
    My Boundless and Infinite Love to you.

    1. thank you erika ~ deeply. you have helped soothe this tired ‘ole heart of mine. i admit to having an issue needing to be healed and that is needing to know, from others, that what i do is valued. in my higher mind i know this is an illusion, but my heart still says otherwise. the journey continues. victoria

      1. It was with your blog that had helped me through my own depths of darkness when I was going through my own awakening process. This blog comforted and confirmed those revelations and feelings of confusion that I was having during those dark times. Don’t give up. Never give this up. It has helped and spread Light to more people than you know. <3

  2. It’s always hard to put your heart out and get nothing in return. To do something without any pay off and feel like people are only taking you for granted. This isn’t an easy world to be living in, no matter how enlightened you are. You will be kicked down. You will be bitten by the cruelty of the world. But you will never be eaten alive. Because who you are at the core continues to shine, even when the light feels like it’s dimming. You’re going to have bad days. You’re going to feel like giving up. But because that light shines do bright, you’re going to prevail and rise above the challenges you have to face. Even when it feels like no one is looking, you are watching yourself. Don’t watch yourself give up.

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