Category: People In Need Of Help

Dopamine Without Depth: Trauma, Screens, and the Nervous System’s Cry for Real Connection

I read the article below earlier today, and it landed hard. But it was something I needed to see. Something the Universe knew I was ready TO see.

I saw so much of myself in it.

I felt invisible growing up, an experience that continued throughout my life.

When I have been with others in my life, family and even friends from years past, I never really felt seen for me. I always felt I was a fixture – someone to fill in a space.

Like a book on a shelf – only that book was not something to open up and read.

No one wanted to know the contents on the INSIDE – only how it looked on the outside and that it had a “fancy enough,” or “appropriate enough,” or “acceptable enough” title to deserve the spot on the shelf.

Opening up those pages was something I continued to try to do with others, mostly with the wrong people, until I slowly began to isolate myself.

Human connection, in person especially, became something that, for my nervous system, felt unsafe. Even dangerous. And my protector grew louder, telling me “no, don’t do that” or “do you REALLY want to take that risk? Remember what has happened to you. Remember what COULD happen.”

Even though my nervous system decided “ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH” and put out systems of panic, anxiety, and other symptoms to avoid people, deep within, the part of me that is authentic and whole, calls out louder and louder for connection.

Connection with the right people. Those who are willing to open their own inner pages and share. Those who want to see my own inner pages.

Earlier this evening, I spent time playing the piano. So many songs I know and love to play. Often when I play, I am not alone. I am playing to an invisible audience. Sometimes I fill it up with people I know. I saw tonight that doing that leaves me feeling lonely, whereas over the past many years, it has felt safe. It’s been enough.

But tonight?

Tonight I realized I want more.

A shift had taken place.

I remembered how I used to feel playing for people.

Playing in public.

That is who I used to be.

That is who I want to bring out again.

All of this hit me quite hard, and I had to excuse myself to find quiet solitude in the other room where I could release tears.

I MISS that person.

I MISS who I used to be.

I MISS PLAYING MUSIC WITH OTHERS.

Out in public.

That connection.

I need connection.

Then I got angry.

Angry over the why and how I became this way.

As one who has experienced ongoing abuse, I slowly shut down inside. Isolated myself. Chose isolation over the possibility of being harmed. My nervous system and my body tell me: people connecting is dangerous. Giving your heart is dangerous. Being ME is dangerous. That abuse was like ongoing little knives to my nervous system and my body. Those little knives not only made me detach from taking risks and from connecting, but they also caused cognitive issues. Brain issues. Tummy issues.

Invisible injuries.

But deeply felt.

And very real.

The insidiousness of all of this left me feeling a rage tonight I hadn’t felt before. An interesting combination: remorse and rage.

The article below helped me see how and why I put myself on social media. I see why I come on here and pour my heart out. I see why the next day, if there are no comments or private messages, I have such powerful, palpable responses within my body. It’s almost like self-torture. Put myself out there expecting a certain result (connection that makes me feel safe and seen and protected), not getting the result, withdraw for a while, then repeat.

UGH.

Time to break that cycle.

Because real connection won’t happen this way. Not at the level of depth I need.

Not at the level of depth ANY of us need.


Surface connecting is a good place to start when I am shut down, not trusting – feeling afraid, and unsafe to open up my heart again. At some point, the risk must become stronger than the fear of keeping myself in a bubble, feeling safe enough, but not really connected.

After a lifetime experience of having my heart trampled on when I HAVE been ME, especially after 2016, Trump, and covid, where my personal belief system was so attacked, found so repulsive, people walked out of my life, I hesitate. Do I take the risk? Especially today? On top of the abuse I mentioned above and previous experiences throughout my life (feeling like a fixture), my nervous system began to say “enough”.

After 2016, I resorted more to going on social media and making my connections that way. Fewer problems there. No human emotion to be truly felt – only PRESUMED by me – meaning I get to control the emotional interaction – and if words do become harmful – I can fire back safely.

But what happens inside?

What is happening inside during all of this?


Longing.

Emptiness.

Wanting SO MUCH to connect but fighting the protector that is telling me “NO. THIS IS NOT SAFE. WE WILL NOT BE HURT AGAIN.”


We will not be hurt again.


The message within that I hear so much these days.

So, due to this lack of connection and feeling safe growing up, feeling seen, I go online looking to fill that void. This isn’t just something young people do as the article below asserts. People of all ages do this. And while this allowed me to find so many people, including some of you, who share the same perspectives and opinions, I know I want that connection in person.

NEED it.

I didn’t know that this (social media) was not the ultimate way TO fill that void. Or perhaps I did, and I just chose to dismiss it.

While it can be a tool, the start TO build a sense of safety through connecting, ultimately to truly rebuild my nervous system’s need for safety, this needs to be done with in-person connection with people who have shown me and my nervous system that they are safe – that they are trustworthy, while also building my own sense of self, where I trust myself enough to know if a relationship ends, I have enough of my own solid foundation, where I know I can build again.


So…I do appreciate this piece below. I was thinking before I even read it – how back in my parents’ day, couples got together. Played cards. Played games. Went dancing. Bowling.

I don’t remember any of them ending relationships over politics or arguing over what the media pundits were saying at the time.

Something got lost along the way.

Something that started after the introduction of the internet and social media.

Then things began to change in 2016 after that election. A division took place.

And it’s been growing ever since.

And then something really happened during covid, with the media hype pushing fear 24/7, we got programmed to fear one another.

Virtual phone calls took the place of in-person gatherings.

Telehealth flourished and continues today. It is actually a challenge now to find counselors who will see you in person.

COUNSELORS.

The people who are supposed to be trained in the social and biological needs of human beings, including one of the top needs of CONNECTION.


A new collective trauma was formed.

And we still have not healed from it.

But we can begin the process.

And to do that, we can show up for one another and listen.

See.

And remember what it was like to truly connect without letting things like politics and media-pushed narratives interfere with our need to just hang out, laugh, and play a game of cards.

******

Trauma Aware America

Shay Seaborne

When people grow up without reliable experiences of being seen, known, and meaningfully connected, the self becomes fragile. 

The “loud ego” is often not a sign of inner strength but a compensatory response to a profound internal void: an attempt to feel real, valued, or powerful in a world that has failed to offer those feelings through stable, nourishing relationships.

As interpersonal safety declines–due to factors like family instability, economic precarity, competitive schooling, and social disconnection–many young people turn to performance and visibility as a survival strategy.

Social media offers a measurable form of attention that mimics connection. It rewards projection over authenticity, and encourages constant self-curation rather than mutual presence.

This rise in external validation-seeking isn’t a moral failure. It’s a signal. It tells us that something essential is missing: safe relationships, community reflection, shared meaning, and rituals of belonging that support the formation of a coherent, grounded self.

Influencer culture has become a stand-in for what our nervous systems actually crave: to feel felt, to matter, and to experience resonance with others. But instead of co-regulation, it offers metrics. Instead of depth, it offers reach.

Until we rebuild environments where people feel known from the inside out, not the outside in, we’ll continue to see loud egos and the suffering behind them, rising in the cultural tide.

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VK Returns. Personal Decoding. June 24 in the Vibe. Revisiting Bill Wood, Project Looking Glass. Releasing Emotions from the Organs. ISRAEL FOR LAST Finds. 6.23.26

There are 17 Q posts for June 24th, btw. Some of the interesting phrases included in those 17 drops:

Shall we play a game once more?

Remember Your Oath.

It had to be done this way.

WWG1WGA

And images of Obama outlining treason charges.

Moving on…

So – got some news today we did not want to hear – regarding $$. All will be ok in time – just another delay I did not want or need. Daughter as well. I then heard from the job coach, who still has not heard from the educational training institute.

I sat there – stewing.

Like really stewing.

Having yet another WTF moment – only it was more of a W T A F.

So I did some deep breathing.

Let myself feel how god damn stuck and trapped I feel in my life.

Then breathed it out and did my best to just surrender it.

Just f’ing surrendered it. all.

It was in those next moments of peace that I remembered where I was 17 years ago – at this exact time.

And what I experienced then. And how that time back then matches what I am experiencing now.

What I remembered and carried – still – in my body.

And this quiet voice within told me to check the Ethiopian calendar and compare the month of July to November.

So I did.

And I found something – and put it altogether below:

Victoria, Certified Pattern Recognition Specialist
@nina_leone11
·
9h
Personal decoding.
Got an aha moment.
Went on a nudge, found what I was looking for.
We’ve been told that we are using the Ethiopian calendar for time travel; I can’t remember why.
On the Ethiopian calendar, July is the 11th month.
17 years ago in July, I had an experience.
A sky event.
Whereby I was guided to see this was us from the future.
At the time, NOTHING was working out for me.

And I mean nothing. I was blocked at everything I was doing.

That included working with a job coach to help me find work.

6 weeks after having that Sky event moment, I found out I was pregnant with my wonderful daughter.
A life renewal.

I had purpose again.

Now here I am 17 years later, I am in the exact same situation.

Literally the exact same situation. Blocked on things I want to do.

Working with a job advisor again.

Completely and utterly stuck.

None of this is a coincidence.

I also had a dream many years ago where John Kennedy Jr was showing me a calendar saying all would be revealed by the 11th month and the 22nd day.

I had another Sky event a couple of nights ago.

I was again nudged to look up to the sky and saw what an overly bright star was.
It was so bright I even commented, “What is that?”
It just suddenly seemed to appear.
As I observed it, it slowly faded.
There were no clouds in the sky.
It was a reminder of that event I had 17 years ago. I FELT it.
It’s all coming to a close.
It’s also no coincidence that in 2016, the day after Trump was elected, that event sent ripples into the timestream that I felt.
And the experience, the feeling, was very nice.
Liberating.
I suddenly knew that everything is going to be okay.
I knew that because a part of my consciousness was already in that future timeline.
Trust me when I say it feels good. It feels natural.
Free.
Completely free of worries, and I mean completely.
That time is upon us.
And July is actually November.
Could it be that when Elon and VK were showing us the 7-Eleven, they were not necessarily showing a date but were letting us know that July is actually November?

Good thing I did take a screenshot:

They’re kind of everywhere – poking at us “goyim”:

VK Returns:

July 17:

Favorite Fun Time! Revisiting Bill Wood. The moves being made on the chessboard at the end are being forced by the winning hand – aka the good guys.

Interesting. I watched it through – only spins one way. Then I willed it to reverse – and it did. Is this some kind of a trick?

12:12

Pretty sure the Golden Dome protects the entire realm:

GOLDEN DOME – gematria (the first two are nice little synchs from my decoding above):

November

John John

Third Eye

Guardians

White Hat

Zero Day

Escaping

New Earth (I think that may be a first for this phrase)

Using the Quantum Computer:

BTW – the Great American State Fair starts in two days – runs from June 25-July 10th.

P6: I was in DC in the 80’s – visited the Air and Space Museum. It was quite impressive. UFC Claw is gone.


Fences at the Reflecting Pool and a Sneak Peak at the Air and Space Museum

Speaking of a sky Event:

I forgot I had subscribed to this channel. Very nice Piano music.


Sleep in a Forest at Night Time | Reflections in Nature


maldives ocean waves: 1 hour of pure paradise

Clearing Emotions from Liver, Kidneys, Lungs and Heart

9-18 Breaths. 1x/week

Lungs: Breathe in the color white. Exhale with a “ssssss”

Kidneys: Breathe in Blue. Exhale with a “chew” sound.

Liver: Breathe in Green. Exhale with a “ssshhhh”.

Heart: Breathe in reddish/pink. Exhale with a sigh of “haaaaa”

VENMO: @VT6610

CASHAPP: $VictoriaT1144

ZELLE: themamatrinity@gmail.com

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Detox Protocols Needed

Hi Friends ~

I need to get some detox protocols for the family after being affected yet again by the 💉. 😩 Same side of my body, only this time I am not at liberty to take a photo and share. Let’s just say I will not be able to ride my bike for awhile and that has me quite 🤬. The scar from last summer’s burn/blister on my calf continues to fade. The one on top of my hand has finally healed and is gone. Always on the same. side. of. my. body. And as I’ve said, this all began within 1 year of the💉 rollout.

So I need to get more protocols. I have a little bit of money, but that is going towards food, leaving me with $7 left in my bank account until payday 10 days from now. If any of you have some extra funds, I would really appreciate it!

I keep thinking, “ok, this is the last time I – we – have to deal with this”. Then I move on and literally forget about it – then BAM – it happened. We know the c.v. j a b truth is all over the place now – just really want the shedding to gain front and center onstage as well. 87% took. That’s a lot of prion shedding. And I’m so overly, beyond spent finished DONE having to deal with this particular issue. Crimes against humanity. That’s all I’m going to say.

🙏💖

Victoria

The form is not published.

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The day after the UFC Circus Show – and some thoughts plus a personal writing.

Well, after last night’s UFC fight – in which so far I have seen no one doing any decodes on it – leaving many – far too many – feeling let down yet again – feeling like if we had any sort of wishful wanting that all just served as more loosh for the system – while others who don’t care, aren’t concerned about it or who knows not to ever fall for any sort of hopium – even though they have it deep within because who the hell DOESN’T have that inner need for change now – well I’m just in that combination space of WTF and whatever.

Missing in this awakening are core human needs going unmet. And it’s harming every one of us to varying degrees.

Biology.

Heart.

Soul.

Safety.

I wrote this piece below today after seeing another human (and her child) being forced to live at a church because the system decided it was better to help those who come here from other places. When your life is at the point where you choose safety at a church over safety in the streets or worse, you know this entire reality is fucked up. MAJORLY FUCKED up.

I pause.

The “you should” voice creeps in. “Be positive.”

Yeah, time to squash that lie.

For I know this: fake it until you make it doesn’t reach where it needs to. While it inspires and motivates, all it takes is one stressful event to make you realize, “oh yeah, I didn’t deal with that deep enough.”

Is it any surprise that the more tech we have been given, and the more socially isolated we have become, the more dysregulated we are? Add in pay to live and compete to live and all of that heavy toxic gunk, and you get the following result: people exhausted, depleted, angry, overwhelmed.

Ya’ll know this, and ya’ll know how I feel about this reality. I don’t think of myself as being positive or negative – just f’ing honest. And to heal, we need TO be honest. Below is part of what I wrote earlier. The link to continue to read the rest is below. I ask for financial support too, as I have been crushed in that department. And given the lack of support my nervous system needs, plus the competition to find additional help (which is INSANE the lengths of these wait-list – which you end up having to rely on because no one else is stepping up to fill in that gap) and the lack of financial luxury I have to pay someone who is available but does not accept my insurance – well – fuck it – I am desperate. The demands on me have taken an effect, and it’s noticeable: in how I look – how I talk – how I sleep. It isn’t uncommon to see me put my hands on my ears and walk away – for even the most basic of requests. I mean, what fucking reality is it EVER ok to force a human to stay in a situation that is harming them and their child, and when you ask for help you get gaslit, ignored, or judged? It is my hope people read these words and expand their heart and minds because without these needs being met by one another, by the military, by God or forces beyond, we’re f’d.

***

Human Needs and Healing

I have learned a lot about the basic needs of a human.

Too often, social media is filled with cute little one-liners or long-drawn-out dribble by “experts” who say your emotional well-being is up to you and you alone.

People on the sidelines acting as cheerleaders.

“You can do it! I believe in you!”

“Keep going!”

Helpful, yes. But not enough.

Then there is one of the most damaging lines:

“Just push yourself more.” Quite often, pushing yourself does more harm. I experienced this when I pushed myself to burnout last year. I’m still in that phase, trying to regulate, and this time, working at a pace that meets my needs. Listening TO my body instead of ignoring her. And as I have learned, the nervous system communicates to us via sensations, senses, feelings. So throwing words at a system already on high alert is not effective. That said, the RIGHT words combined with calm and authentic compassion can help the person begin the process of calming down and returning to center. Words like, “I see you are upset. I hear you. What can I do to help you right now?”

Unfortunately, many experts lack knowledge about the nervous system and what is needed to heal and thrive. I have written about this before, but it is worth repeating, for it is that important. I view the nervous system like the car’s electrical system. If you have even just one wire out of place or damaged, the car isn’t going to operate at full capacity. And just like the car cannot magically fix that wire itself, a human cannot just fix a dysregulated nervous system on his/her own.

The nervous system has four needs:

  • Safety – Secure
  • Connection – Co-Regulation
  • Rest – Safe deactivation
  • Activation – Safe Movement/Mobilization

For anyone who has trauma, those four are needed to heal.

Which means one thing: no one heals in a bubble.

Continue reading and support my writings here: https://buymeacoffee.com/victoriassoulfulcreations/human-needs-healing

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So this happened today…

I’m not quite sure how to feel about this or how to take it.

I need to feel safe.

My daughter needs to feel safe.

So I don’t always look out into the world with eyes that say everything is ending new is coming in.

I look out into the world as a mom first and foremost.

I don’t feel I have the luxury of just being in a state of allowing and letting go.

I’ve always told my daughter Safety First and that remains my priority.

And to build that safety to create it to manifest it in this current reality requires a lot of money.

Perhaps one of the reasons why I’m going through this and experiencing this is to get that message out into the collective Consciousness because there are still far too many people who aren’t hearing me or seeing this reality.

I’m not alone in this.

I see so many other stories from women especially moms who say “all I need is a financial miracle to take the next step forward.”

That is exactly where I am.

🙏💜

Victoria

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IS RA EL for Last. The House Armed Services Committee just voted to merge the US military with Israel’s. Traitor’s Everywhere. EARTHQUAKE in Las Vegas. Finding The Light in it all. Trust the plan are only words to the body. 6.4.26

I need extra help this month. I am raising funds for gas and rent increase – at this point in the game. $40 gas budget only gets you half a tank. Someone help me calm my tummy and the middle-of-the-night wake-up in panic moments.

It’s hard to find the light – even though it’s there within. We know the financial challenge that has impinged too many of us for far. too. fucking. long. FAR too long. I get the plan. Logically.

Tell that to my body. My beautiful nervous system. To your body and nervous system. When you have any sort of trauma – and who doesn’t – when you’re under ongoing impingement of any sort – it’s hard as hell to trust the plan. Or to FEEEEEEEEEEL those words in your body. The body says “NOTHING HAS CHANGED RED FLAG RED FLAG DO NOT TRUST”.

Command the end of this Enslavement.

💖🙏

Victoria

This ME ME ME look it at how GREAT ME ME ME IS – has gotten so old – plan or not. I’ve had enough experience with that pattern. I wonder if he would let me play (behind a curtain – with fans on me – water next to me – and the option to flee).

You know – didn’t I say something about June 14-24 last night? 10 days of “darkness”? Maybe? I don’t know – we’ll see.

I think – I COMMAND – we see the end of the movie on 6.24. Batman. Gotham City – which was actually in New Jersey. GEORGE NEWS said years ago “WATCH NEW JERSEY”.

I incarnated into the wrong country.

9.7 km. BOOM there you go!

Saving IS RA EL for last. Traitors.

Tell me the system is inverted without actually saying the words:

BREAKING: Six Republican Senators Vote with Democrats to Block Construction of President Trump’s Ballroom

He does, however, have a point – how WE THE PEOPLE are not “allowed” to criticize much less question Israel.

https://www.zerohedge.com/geopolitical/oil-prices-fall-white-house-signals-will-maintain-ceasefire-iran-unless-american

I wonder how many are brewing their own:

https://www.zerohedge.com/markets/beer-demand-goes-flat-even-alcoholics-pull-back-gas-above-4

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2026/jun/04/gaza-flotilla-australian-women-assaulted-abused-israeli-detention-penny-wong-ntwnfb

Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney warns foreign AI platforms can be used against Canadians

KP hasn’t done much, btw.

How? I will tell you how. Simufuckinglation, that’s how.

VENMO: @VT6610

ZELLE: themamatrinity@gmail.com

CASHAPP: $VictoriaT1144

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SKY EVENT. ROCKS (“METEORS”). CHEMTRAILS. TIMELINES. Reflecting.

I struggle often these days – and deeply – seeing people I am connected with on social media – of like mind and heart – who can only focus on survival now. And that is no way to live. Whether it is health or finances, the results are the same: this war and plan and the system that is fighting back – it is all harming far too god damn many now. These people aren’t one of the (protected) actors onstage. They aren’t given access to all of the goodies reserved – STILL – for the special ones on stage. I’m tired. The fatigue from the fight – from the entire pain in the ass of having to pay and prove my worth just to survive. The wait – the patience in that wait – grows thinner. And thinner.

Today I thought back to the first Anon/truther/patriot/fighter I knew who died during this right. Annie. Anyone remember her from anonup? Such a powerful Soul who succumbed to medical issues that could have been cured – someone could have found a way to give her the cure she needed. The help she needed.

I see people glorify those who spoke out – the big names – Cornell, Bennington – most of them are probably still here – taken into protection services.

But no one talks about the “smaller” people.

The people who have lost friends and family due to political philosophy.

Due to refusing to take a god damn vaccine.

Or wearing a mask.

Or voting for the orange man or the ice cream freak.

People – regular people – amazing people – losing careers. Jobs. Homes.

Bankruptcy. Burnout.

While the loudmouths with the high following say “trust the plan”.

Someone I know – his wife – is slowly dying of liver disease. An Anon. (below is his wife’s go fund me page):

Think he feels better being told to “trust the plan”?

Do any of us at this point?

💖

Victoria

Hostage situation at a Chase bank in CALI:

WTH is with manhole cover incidents lately? First, it’s people coming out of them. Today it’s someone falling IN one!

Why don’t they just all go away?

Q did mention the BANK OF ALBANIA many years ago. Connection?

The people pf Albania aren’t having it either:

This is a new level of insanity – and terrifying too: Oregon, through a court order issued by a Federal Judge, is set to release violent criminals who were originally sentenced under Measure 11. Crimes include rape, assault, kidnapping, and murder.

Two researchers with the National Institutes of Health were charged with conspiracy to smuggle monkeypox into the United States

I am sure there were signs. And likely neglect from the system, including the police who see such things as a “civil matter” – until it’s not. This is so sad!

A several hundred foot tall flame from a ruptured tank following the attack in St Petersburg

it all but has for me. but hey, trust the plan, right?

Keep exposing this toxic crime against humanity: CHEMTRAILS

CIA accused of ‘poisoning the sky’ with toxins as files expose secret weather control agenda

In fact, the memos noted that federal funding for the secret program was set to be four times higher in 1967 – the same year the US began spraying toxins over Vietnam to cause floods and landslides.

One post on X claimed: ‘The CIA has been poisoning the sky and controlling the weather since 1965!’

The 18-page report was recently shared by conspiracy theorists, years after it was quietly placed into the CIA’s public archives, including a letter praising the classified operation from US President Lyndon B Johnson.

Johnson’s endorsement of the CIA’s weather modification project came just three years after he gave an ominous speech on the future of America and the work to create ‘weather satellites’ with the power to strengthen storms.

While giving the commencement address at Southwest Texas State University in May 1962, then-Vice President Johnson said: ‘He who controls the weather will control the world.’

I cringe when I see more future events on this timeline. Just – NO:

I thought this was interesting. Showing us Whitney is still alive?

VENMO: @VT6610

ZELLE: themamatrinity@gmail.com

CASHAPP: $VictoriaT1144

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Lessons from the store: When Being Honest Is Empowering. A little bit more about me.

I have shared quite a bit about myself on this site, but there are some things I keep neutral or only drop little parts of my life. I had something happen tonight at the store, which the event itself is certainly nothing new for me to experience. It’s what I did with it after the fact that was new. I figured, what the heck, let’s share it. It might help someone else dealing with the same issue.

I remember the first time I had a moment of panic. I had no idea what it was, other than I knew it scared me. I was in the car, driving on the freeway on my way to my parents’ home. Summer. Coming home from my college job downtown. Rush hour traffic. And heat (no a/c in my little car). At the time, I absolutely hated this particular job, which I took to save some money after taking a year off from college (too much party, zero interest in school). I did not want to return to school. I wanted to travel the world. Alone. I wanted to end it with my boyfriend, as I clearly was not a priority in his life. And on top of all of this, my parents were going through a dramatic separation, where I let myself get sucked in and played counselor. But that was me. Rushing in to save people when the one who needed saving – all along – was me.

I was young. Confused. Overwhelmed. And even though I wore a smile a lot back then and was otherwise a people-person (people pleaser), I was not happy. I felt stuck. I knew what I wanted to do – at least I thought I did – I just didn’t believe enough in myself to essentially quit everything I was doing and start over again. In the end, I stayed the course. Stayed at the job far too long (until I was asked to quit with severance). Stayed in college. Watched my parents go through a divorce. And ended up marrying the boy after graduation. Knowing my bio family was falling apart, I chose to cling to anything familiar.

That moment of panic marked a point in my journey that led me to make choices for everyone else but me. Moved to a city I did not want to live in and started having more of those panic moments. Stayed far too long there. Stayed too long in that first marriage. But eventually I broke free and set off on a new course in my life. But, I had not done the real inner work. I got warned time and time again by friends and intuitives alike that I was too trusting. “Lit up like a Christmas tree with no anchor,” one friend told me. Too naive in my new approach to life, which was that I wanted to love everyone and be me, be childlike. Which is fine as long as you have boundaries. And discernment. Which I didn’t. I had not been taught either. That led to sexual assault, which eventually prompted my body to remind me of the sexual abuse I had experienced as a child. Workplace abuse. And a lot of other unwanted shit, including more abuse.

The panic began to return. Like what happened in my 20’s, overall, I hid it. This was NOT going to happen to me again. I made excuses not to attend events and places. Found reasons not to travel. Unless you’ve dealt with it, no one can begin to comprehend how fucking humiliating and embarrassing it is to say “sorry, I can’t get myself there. I might panic.” I had tried that here and there and was told “just push yourself” (if only that worked) or “get on medication” (tried that in my 20′ a couple of times – NO THANK YOU to those side effects – and it didn’t work- and what an insult to begin with). I was even told, “I just don’t understand.”

I just don’t understand. Yeah, I didn’t understand what was happening to me again either.

I started seeing people again, healers, counselors. I tried everything holistically I could find. Meditations. CBT. Holographic Repatterning. RET. Past Life Regression. Massage. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago, when in one moment of conversation with my daughter did something within me snapped awake. I knew what I had put up with. I knew what I had denied. I knew I had been running for years. Decades. So I took a different approach in this healing stuff, learned about the nervous system, got the proper diagnosis (FINALLY) of C-PTSD due to abuse both in childhood and adulthood, sexual assault, accidents, and medical trauma. I have been doing EMDR and learning a lot about things like the nervous system, narcissistic abuse, and coercive control. It’s slow going – releasing decades of stored trauma from the body. And I mean the body. This shit is not in my brain. That’s where the story is. You don’t supplement or talk yourself out of trauma. You don’t sleep or rest it away. These things help and are important to support. But the key? Getting that energy processed and released. EMDR is interesting as it demands you focus 100% on your body. Sensations. Tightness. The need to move. This reality pushes us to be in our minds and brain. But our body? Nope. But that is where the trauma stays put until processed out. I continue to be amazed at the truth of this. I will be guided to bring up the image representing the particular stressor/trauma, then tune in to my body to see what I notice somatically. And sure enough, up comes tension, tingling, the need to move (often violently) pops up. The eye movement begins, the initial energies from the trauma increase bringing up panic sensations, but if you hang in there (and it took me well over a year to begin to stick with it so that I could do an entire EMDR session), stay in the body and resist the urge to tell the story, I have seen myself go from a 9 in intensity to a 2 within 15 minutes just with this work.

We all have some form of PTSD now after this Awakening and the ongoing Spiritual War for our minds. Souls. The ugly shit we have seen has traumatized us all to varying degrees. So people like me are getting hit really f’ing hard with this PTSD crap. And it sometimes hits you when you least expect it. Like it did tonight for me at the store. I was standing in line, which can be a trigger, as being in any situation where I am stuck, unable to move, or in this case, unable to keep going (it’s strange – don’t ask). It isn’t like I can ask for special treatment. Many stores offer those scooters for people with physical challenges. I wish stores offered lines for people like me. Lines that moved or stayed open just for those of us in a panic. No waiting. Dimmer lights. Tonight was a doozie. The guy in front of me had nothing but produce and a lot of it. None of it bagged. Some of it was so obscure that the clerk had to keep going to check the code. The guy also had this incredibly annoying voice – to me. For some reason, with each word he spoke, it hit my body hard, and I would flinch. Maybe something from my past? I don’t know – that was a new one for me. Just thinking about it now – plus he reminded me a bit of that one demon who sexually assaulted me. Then he realized he didn’t bring his debit card and had to get out a check, which he seemed to take forever to fill in, then there was another issue with the check, and the clerk had to take time to figure it all out. There were also conversations going on around me that were loud. The lights were suddenly far too bright for me, and the music on the stereo system was suddenly too loud. And there it came. Nervous System was overwhelmed. That old familiar unwanted feeling of panic. Heartbeat racing suddenly. I don’t want to faint or pass out. I can’t breathe. My legs suddenly weak, trembling. I began to sigh loudly from impatience in waiting. I was watching other customers come and go at the other checkout line, but all of my food items were on the conveyor belt and the other line was for 10 items or less. I was trapped here. So I decided to walk away, focus on some natural soda and kombucha and returned after the panic had passed. Legs still weak and hands shaking, I completed my transaction. At the end, I decided to just speak the truth instead of ignore what had just happened. I looked at the clerk, that young, sweet girl and I apologized. “I’m sorry for my impatience. It wasn’t you. It wasn’t that other customer. It was me. I sometimes get panic, claustrophobia when I’m waiting in line or when the lights are too bright, or there’s too much talking.” She looked at me with so much sympathy in her eyes. “Oh my gosh I am SO sorry you experienced that,” she said. “It is pretty loud in here, isn’t it? I am sorry that the transaction ahead of you took so long, too.” I thanked her for her kindness. She looked me in the eyes again and wished me a good evening in a tone that was gentle and quiet.

I walked outside feeling exhausted, but also comforted and a bit empowered. This is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a hard one to deal with. If someone says they are a vet and have PTSD, there’s understanding, and the world steps up and says, “thank you for your service, let’s support this guy”. If someone says they have some form of cancer, the world steps up and offers love. Such situations can limit people’s ability to be out in the world, and they receive compassion. I have not had that kind of understanding – and I really need it. I have such a strong desire to heal and thrive again. This beast I am trying to befriend now, after running from it for most of my life, also limits my ability to be out in the world like everyone else. I make too much for SSI and don’t have enough work credits for SSDI. This is why I ask for financial payment for the work I do here and on my coffee page. It is literally all I can do consistently at this point until I am better, in a safe, supportive situation, surrounded by people who see me where I am and support me as I take two steps forward and sometimes one step back and stay. by. my. side. Cheer me on. Maybe that’s something I can bring to the world – share my story so people’s definitions of who is worthy of love and support and help expands.

Today, I realize it isn’t the locations and places that I fear. It’s the panic feelings themselves. The sensations. What they do to my body – those awful symptoms. That is the fear – the phobia. And to add to that, the fear of my own power. That I could be someone. Alone. And thrive. Unlike the elephant in the room that is the fear and the phobia that needs to be seen, there is someone else in the room, always there, telling me, “SEE ME? I’m here too. It ain’t just the fear.” I want to release the shame and embarrassment of being like this. The old voices that tell me I’m lazy or worthless. That deep voice within lets me know I’m neither.

Thank you for reading. And as always, so much love and humble thanks to those of you who are my friends at a distance and whose financial support enables my child and me to eat. If you know someone who might benefit from my story, please share. Let them know they aren’t alone. Enough suffering in silence. Fuch that sheot. We are ALL tidbits of the Most Divine Light. Too often, mental health challenges get ugly labels and a lot of misunderstanding. EVERYONE can heal with the right support that is safe and consistent. Love is the cure for pretty much everything – love in action.

💖

Victoria

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Government Agencies (Social Services) Are NOT the Answer

This is my story. I am not alone.
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When you see anyone suffering, do not tell them to call one of the myriad of government agencies. Not if you can help them.
These agencies are not only overburdened and understaffed, but they also refuse to see their incompetence.
I gave up going this route after almost a year of neglect, which includes a large local agency that completely dropped the ball on me numerous times.
Community Services Consortium
Right here in my area. This is my story.
I began by contacting them mid-Spring of last year (2025), inquiring as to what services they could provide me.
I shared my situation and what my goals were. This was a difficult call for me to make. I felt vulnerable, and it took a lot for me to share such personal information.
I went through FOUR employees who each dropped the ball on me (as in forgot about me – which included one who said “I really want to help you and I will come to you if I have to” – never heard back from him either). After weeks of this, I had to contact the Supervisor who put me in touch with a new person.
This person was not able to help me (although she was good at communication).
So back to the Supervisor I returned, who put me back in touch with the ORIGINAL person I spoke with, who never got back to me, even after a phone call conversation stating she was going to help me.
This was around late May/early June of last year.
After some more “dropped ball” moments, we finally connected via live remote meeting in July and discussed the scholarship I had been told about. I was to finalize the program and place of study, then get back to her.
Which I did.
We had another virtual meeting where she went over the scholarship process.
She told me there was still time to submit (the process opened up in June) and while she wouldn’t guarantee me the award as it was first come first time (meaning TIMELY SUBMISSION), she saw no reason I wouldn’t be approved, barring me making a mistake (which is why she was working with me to avoid any mistakes as she sat on the frigging board that approved scholarships so she knew her stuff).
After that meeting?
She disappeared on me.
I mean no contact. AGAIN.
No return calls.
No return emails or texts.
Even contacts with her Supervisor went unanswered.
I was also unable to submit my application because she was supposed to send me additional paperwork, which she never did.
I lost almost FOUR WEEKS in a process that is timely and competitive because of their failure to communicate.
After a month, I heard back from her.
Sorry – family emergency – can’t help you anymore, so I will pass you off to this person.
UGH!!! Why wasn’t I told sooner? No answer for that very basic question.
So I got assigned a new person, made an appt to finish up the application process, which we did, and on October frigging 5th, it was FINALLY submitted.
After I began the process in EARLY AUGUST (and had tried since April TO get help to begin with).
I got denied.
NO ONE TOLD ME.
I had to make several contacts to the last person who helped me, who told me the funds had already run out.
Which means I DID NOT GET MY APPLICATION IN ON TIME.
Again, which was NOT MY DAMN FAULT.
So I wrote the Agency Manager.
Documented everything. Emails. Dates.
I clearly showed there was a gross lack of communication on their part which denied me the right to submit my application in the necessary timely manner.
The end result?
The agency says they did not do a thing wrong and “followed proper protocols”.
Apparently, PROPER PROTOCOLS includes failure to communicate. Failure to NOTIFY clients that their person is no longer able to help and FAIL to provide a new person in a timely manner.
And now?
Now they have the f’ing audacity to tell me they are there for me.
So I asked: If this is true – WHY HAVE I NOT BEEN ASSIGNED A NEW STEP MANAGER after the LAST ONE quit back in October, again NO ONE TOLD ME OF THIS, and I wasted SIX f’ing WEEKS trying to connect with this person.
But nope.
She quit.
No one told me.
And no one has yet to apologize for this, OR assign me a new case manager, OR know if one will even be assigned TO me.
But they are “there” for me.
Like hell they are.
So let this serve as just one story in what I have been seeing are MANY (including a friend of mine who received the same type of treatment): THESE AGENCIES that receive GOVERNMENT FUNDING are just an extension of the government itself.
INCOMPETENT.
UNCARING.
THIEVES BOUND UP IN RED TAPE.
And the program they operate under?
Narcissistic (as in refusal to own behavior).
People in need are in need of real people’s support.
AGENCIES ARE NOT THE ANSWER.
Capiche? For now, I am right back where I started from last year – trying to get funding to increase my education so I can change my life for the better. Heal. Move on. BASIC HUMAN NEEDS. Talk about a slap in the face. After being told to “call this agency, go here” – essentially being put off by real people either unable or unwilling to help me out – my faith in humanity is pretty damn low at this time.

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