These days I often wake up in a panic.
Mind racing with thoughts.
Move.
Pick a place.
Pick a school.
Money money money. More debt I accumulate just to f’ing survive. How will I pay for it all, much less navigate the mental ability TO do it all?
Do this, do that, carry far too many doings and responsibilities on my own. Collapsing from the weight of it all while I am told to surrender or trust or take care of myself. When none of these things REMOVE those unmet needs. That feeling in my body remains.
Worry worry worry worry.
If I could draw it out here, I would. But since I can’t, I will use words.
My body is frozen in these early-day moments.
I work through it as best as I can.
Then I go online seeking relief. Comfort. Better than eating a sweet treat.
But neither really helps.
This morning I saw a fellow Anon and truther say how much he hates it when he reads NO ONE is coming to save you. “Internet tough guys,” as he refers to them. We need a god damn rescue, as he says.
And he’s right on every front.
Internet tough guys indeed. Such a cruel thing to say to someone – no one is coming to rescue you. These types either don’t know real suffering, do not experience trauma, or they’re so lost in their new cage ego bullshit they have lost all memory of the times they were helped when they were in need, instead claiming they “did it all on my own”. Likely they are soulless entities or matrix bots – or just another matrix-supporting entity who gets the protections – who get left alone from attacks.
The comments were mixed. I aligned with the ones saying things such as we all need to be rescued. How do you escape a death cult of parasites who run the systems that keep us poisoned and enslaved? People are indeed rising up, but are any of us yet free of the pressures of this reality? Are we healed? Wealthy? Free to go where we want? Free at ALL?
Who has the means and power and weapons to take out some f’ing parasite who hides underground, who isn’t even human?
Some of us have seen them. Smelled them. Had encounters with them as they appear in a human host. They’re real, and I don’t GAF who that offends. You either see or stick your head back in your sandbox along with your opinion.
Rescued.
Yes, that term that offends rugged individualistic programming of the spiritual kind. For years I have said everyone needs a god damn rescue now and then. No shame in it. And I, for one, am SO BEYOND in need of a giant fucking rescue, my body awakens me most mornings now SCREAMING for one.
Then there’s healing.
How do you heal in a reality that isn’t safe? That is not designed to create safety. “That’s just how it is.” Well, as I’ve said since I was a teenager, “how it is SUCKS!” No excuse.
What supports are in place – truly in place – and are being created by and run by those who are safe people? As one who has been down the dark road of agencies, I can tell you, by and large, these people are not. safe. They lack the ability to acknowledge and carry and see the lack of help – at least in a way that motivates them to DO SOMETHING about it. Instead, they show up every day like good little slaves, follow the rules, help in the way they are told HOW TO help, then go home, sleep, eat, and do it all over again. And that doesn’t include the fact that these systems are overburdened now as well. Largely due to people coming in from other countries getting in line first.
Certainly receiving help that I can call far more REAL than those already here.
All by design.
But I don’t want to go into that any further. Already covered that subject enough.
But I will say that going down that road did not inspire me. It did not help. And it sure as fuch did not make my already hurting body and mind feel safer. Quite the opposite. It added further harm, further trauma, and only served to add energy to that inner experience that says, “I am not safe here.”
Today, while I still long for a tribe of safe people around me, while I NEED such an experience, I am also expanding outward. I NEED AN OUTSIDE RESCUE of the most angelic, benovelent, Divine, even cosmic kind.
We all do.
How do you help someone who is homeless, totally lost in a fentanyl state? Where is the money to house and heal them? Resources are there, but those who control the money control where it is allocated to. Such total stupid to the nth degree demonic bullshit.
Where are the people capable these days OF holding that space of safety for as long as it takes to help heal even just one of these Souls? Who here who is human, who truly cares, who feels that pain every day, is even capable of being one to help? I once was, but not today. Today, I need rescuing.
Last night, I watched Starman. 1984 movie with Karen Allen and Jeff Bridges. One of my all-time favorites that I have been, at times, obsessed with since I first watched it. Even back then, I longed for an experience – not to be “Kidnapped” but to have something more advanced – something more intelligent – something – someone – to come in and heal my broken heart. To show up. See me. Fill that longing for love, that emptiness, the loneliness, the desire to find my real family, all those feelings I carried way back then. I remember at the end, the final scene, feeling for Jenny Hayden, who wanted to leave this horrid planet and go to Starman’s world, with him. Even when he said she couldn’t go because she would die, she said she didn’t care.
She didn’t care. Her pain, talking loudly. Clearly.
But there was hope there as well. Hope for Starman had “given” her a baby, something the doctors here in bullshit world had told her she could “never” have. Not possible, to which Starman said, in what was probably his most powerful, affirmative statement, “Believe as I say.”
Hope that came not from this world.
But from beyond.
Just like Jodie Foster’s character in Contact, who received a vision, a knowing that no one here is alone. That vision, that HOPE, coming from someone from a more advanced, peaceful society to remind us all in this pit that we are never alone.
Nice sentiment, but still, Hollywood left out the part about this place being a prison run by “invisible enemies”. 🙄
I sure as hell am feeling that loneliness in a way that is either cutting through the decades of layers in which I have kept that feeling TO myself, too afraid to speak that truth for when I did I was told “nonsense” or “rescue yourself” blah blah blah…..or it is coming to Light now to see that the way to live with that loneliness, to make it bearable, tolerable in the darkest moments, is each other. UNIFIED.
Holding real space.
Acceptance.
Pouring love into each pain.
And these days, with all of us being burned the fuch out with paying and competing to live and having it rubbed in our faces that the enemy has not been the darkness within, but an actual fucking enemy OUTSIDE of each of us, hiding here – a Truth people like my Anon friend, like me – have known since we entered this place. And eliminating that enemy sure as fuch is going to require an answer to our collective SOS cry (which is there whether we want to own it or not) in the form of an inside-outside rescue. For far too many “internet tough guys” continue to say this is an inside job, to which I continually say the hell it is.
It is an inside AND an outside job. A rescue. And frigging enough already: it is time for that rescue.
💖🙏
Victoria
