Regurgitation

I feel as though I am regurgitating the same crap.

I feel as though I am READING the same regurgitated crap.

I know what I want.

I know the New Paradigm I long for.

I know things are changing.  Moving.  Shifting.

I know these changes affect my physical being.

I know what to do when these changes appear.

I know I have no control over the new paradigm being created.

I know I have no control over the WHEN part.

Which leads me to tonight’s breakdown……..how do I let go of the $$ burden I am under being as I am still in this 3d matrix b.s.?

How?

When it arises, I breathe, surrender, let go, do the mantra of trust.

Then it pops right back up again.

Repeat.

Pops back up.

You get the picture.

The breakdown in the kitchen…was powerful.

Frustrated over 25 years of trying to find my “place” out in the world.

Where I feel valued.

Where the gifts I have to share are valued.  Rewarded.

You know ~ enough to provide me a living.  Enough to pay for my expenses.  Enough to take care of myself.  On my own.  

Intending.

Praying.

Visualizing.

Asking for help.

Wow – the asking for help part – usually ends up with someone offering me their version of what they think I should do without listening or hearing.

When I know one is in need of help, I ask “what do you need?”

Isn’t that what Love does?  It’s a no-brainer to me.

You just naturally go along with the silly notion that the person is capable of knowing what he/she needs.  So I ask: “what do you need?”

If I can provide it, I do.  If not, I don’t add insult to injury (by making myself feel better, a false illusion btw) by trying to take over and run the person’s life, violating their sovereignty by telling them what I think they should do.

This ain’t love speak.

Such an experience touches on that part of me that feels like a female alien, wondering just what I am doing here.  As I wrote earlier tonight, am I too just another person taking up space until this switch happens?

Maybe I am.  I don’t feel that.

I have dreamed about the switch.  I have seen it.

I intend it daily.

Until then, what am I supposed to do to make sure I have my basic needs paid for?  I have busted my lilly white daily, often working until 2am, to make this little gig work.  And as I have written about, it isn’t paying off.

It could if I had regular financial support via donations.

So what do I do?

Promote yet another idea (as I am doing)?

I see myself being able to continue this current lifestyle for another month unless something changes.  I have run the numbers.

 

I simply will not continue to pound my head against another wall.

I definitely will not knock on or pound on another door that is refusing to open.

As we now say in this house, if it ain’t easy, I ain’t takin’ it.

I have had enough of the go it alone, work hard matrix mentality.

It has served me nothing but a plate of exhaustion and disappointment.

So I don’t know how much more I have inside of me as I feel I have written enough about this ascension/new earth stuff.  And the last thing I want to do (because it annoys the crap out of me when other sites do this), is regurgitate the same basic stuff by changing some words around or adding in a new graphic.

I owe it to myself not to do that.

And I owe it to my readers.

All 10 of you.  lol  (how it seems lately so take it as a silly joke I include at the end of an otherwise weary piece of writing)

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Author: Victoria1111

Truthseeker. Philosopher. Goddess. Starwoman. Freedom and Justice Creator. Writer. Musician. Composer.

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