I let myself get triggered today. I let myself step out of my own Personal Power that I write so much about, how important it is to stay aligned with it, all because I felt offended and hurt.
Instead what came out was the usual – anger, defensiveness.
I know I have had a big chip on my shoulders that began in my teen years. Yes, I was hurt like we all are, especially in those oh so tender years of our youth. I built it up over the years in a (poor) attempt to protect myself. Instead what it did was to keep people away from me, certainly at arms length too often.
It is very difficult – has been very difficult – for me to show my heart. That soft side. Tender side. Vulnerable. Afraid at times. Ok, much of the time. So instead, when I do feel hurt, attacked, I attack back. I show my anger first. I get defensive. Arrogant and haughty.
Not to say anger is a bad tool to have in the emotional toolbox. It is useful and necessary at times. However, tonight, in this moment, I imagine myself going straight to the heart when I feel hurt. State simply “I feel hurt right now. Will you help me work this out?”
My god, typing that brings me to tears. My heart tells me “Yes ~ please do that!” She’s tired of carrying the pain and pretending to be tough and resilient. Pretending she is some sort of Big Warrior when what she really wants to be is tender and loving and to see the Beauty and Innocence in every single one of us.
Can’t we (including myself) just stop the games, drop the masks, stop the attacking of one another. Just be decent and kind and thoughtful and honest. Just let one another Be.
I feel so weary with this game I have played ~ it would be nice to surrender, to put down the sword, to stop the battle I feel I must fight for myself and for humanity. It is a natural role for me to step into as I came blazing into this body, ready to fight, ready to liberate. And yet along the way, I know I have not had nearly enough Warrior Protection, not enough love. Tenderness. That in turn rather subconsciously developed an alter ego of fear and distrust. So I have played more or less a dual role in this life, either speaking out and up for Truth and Justice only then to crawl back under my rock in fear and hide.
Shit. The complexity of who I am overwhelms, annoys and inspires me, all in one breath.
Tonight, I feel the heaviness of it all ~ and I am tired. I just want to surrender, to completely fall and know the earth will catch me when I do.
Peeling back more layers of illusion disguised in pain, I will heal and carry on.
It’s what I do.
I began this piece listening to the Bee Gees, “How Deep Is Your Love”. I was going to share that video. Instead I will share the song that (ironically) began playing as I ended this piece. “Stayin’ Alive.”
For that is what I am doing. At times crying out for help and love and tenderness and for this damn game of human lies to be over, but all along, Stayin’ Alive…
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