Well, how ya’ll doing today? I had a very long night of essentially no sleep. My mate, who has a chronic illness, was up very sick all night. Not sure if it’s part of his illness or something separate. With these things happening off and on for so many years, you get used to it. Sort it. Likely just numb. However, the lack of sleep is something I am particularly sensitive to. It seems to allow all of my “stuff” to come up that much easier. Therefore, I have been extra sensitive and quite emotional today. As it does on most days when I am occupied with tending to needs of a child and house and, depending on the day, mate, I tend to not pay attention to my inner chatter until meltdown.
I had one of those today.
Earlier in the day I read a piece online about how our Soul places us here (here meaning our current situation) in order to learn. Try as we might to change our situation, we aren’t gonna budge until we get this often elusive “it”.
I read that and thought “WTF?” Seriously – W T F.
Who is in charge?
My Higher Self? Human me?
Aren’t we supposed to be working together as a TEAM?
Why do I read words that tell us we must surrender to Higher Self…release all of the ego stuff (which if I put together the pieces I have read on the the behaviors of the ego would mean 95% of our totality, give or take)…
…only to go on and read the next piece that tells us it is our Human Self that must make the choices, take the action.
So which is it?
Am I missing something?
So my Higher Self is ignoring MY WORDS then – MY INTENTIONS – ignoring the words I am sending It to create x y z because I need to learn yet another lesson?
I AM TIRED OF THIS CYCLE.
Is it possible I can beat it? I’m pretty cunning when need be.
Is it possible it is just more duality-based matrix speak?
I had quite the conversation with my High Self earlier as a result. Of course it was one-sided as I couldn’t hear a damn thing coming from her.
A pretty typical experience, especially lately.
Am I the only one not hearing this piece of us that is Eternal?
Later in the day, unable to keep my eyes open, I took a nap and awoke in distress.
It is difficult for me to form close emotional connections with people. I always thought I knew why but today I received a deeper piece. After only Source knows how many lifetimes I have been forced to experience in this dimension, I have lost many Souls. I feel I have lost my Tribe of eons ago and keep encountering people who don’t resonate with me. I get that.
It’s like a part of me knows if I allow myself to get close with someone, I know within upon my death or theirs, we will likely be separated and unable to see/reconnect for hundreds if not thousands earthly years…reincarnations.
So there is that part of me that says “don’t”. Don’t connect. Don’t bond. Don’t get close. Which is likely why I have tended to settle for the superficial crap, being a magnet for people who won’t be reliable, who won’t really appreciate or value me. And then yes, have wondered “why” when I experience abandonment.
Only to repeat it again.
I must stop this trend. And part of that includes grieving over the endless reincarnation cycle I was once trapped in. But no longer.
Onto another subject. I wonder how many of you have had this thought. There are some very beautiful, eloquent pieces on this Ascension process, some written by people who obviously have their stuff together. They are far more balanced, healed and seemingly more ready to Ascend than me.
I have lately wondered why that is. Have they had less reincarnation cycles? Maybe they have had a better pick of families upon entering this realm (although I wonder as to the authenticity of that choice given it’s been part of a controlled system so do we really have much OF a choice as to what families we enter? I’m rethinking that one as well but that is too much for my mind to handle at the moment.) Perhaps this is their first incarnation cycle on earth and they have come here from another timeline or dimension to assist, a timeline/dimension that is much more evolved and peaceful, therefore they have far less earthly pain to release.
Or are they full of shit? lol
You know what I mean. The type who advertise on dating sites they want mates who have no baggage but end up having the biggest suitcase.
I really want to know.
I am the perpetual seeker, always wanting to know WHY on everything.
So how did I even start this piece?
I don’t know. I always have some clever ending. Today though, that’s just not happening. Lack of sleep has done me in as has more stuff coming up for assessment, understanding, healing.
Time to go bond and play with the one little person who has my heart. For that, I am blessed!
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