you will have to forgive the all lowercase tonight. too detached to be concerned about proper pronunciation. lol
so today i woke up feeling achy again after another night of also awakening at 3:30am. did i already mention that in my schumann piece earlier today? maybe i did. obviously the short-term memory issue continues. well anyway, another night of being wide awake at 3:30am. and hot. stuffy…even though it was in the 40’s last night. i simply had to get up and move in my own space.
we have a shower that until today i would describe as “large”. it is – at least 3x larger than the standard shower stall. today though? it was suddenly too small for me. is it shrinking or am i expanding? yeah i know the answer to that. new experience for me – the shower being too small. my mate said he is feeling the same about it. we also have a king size bed. it’s too small to share. even our kitchen, the biggest room in the house, is too small for me to share. i feel like i am literally stretching and expanding. a huge growth spurt. explains the ongoing achy pain stuff and the fatigue that is relentless at the moment.
and yet there are also the beautiful moments of pure bliss and serenity. i am having some unbelievably beautiful connections with others these days. today it happened everywhere i went. eye contact. pure heart sharing. i can see the light in other’s eyes. radiating from their hearts and smiles. this is indeed happening and it is affecting us all and for most, the effects are beautiful. it’s as though the truth of who we each are is making itself known. including a neighbor of mine who does not like me. i never felt at ease around her. we had a conversation shortly after we moved to this neighborhood. the topic was homeless people. her belief was people who are homeless are lazy. so yeah, not in alignment with me so she not liking me is no big deal. however lately i have been running into her and i know it is for me to face my discomfort i have around her, heal from it, forgive myself and her AND meet her from my heart space.
which is what i chose to do today.
i greeted her with a smile and gave her thanks for something she had done that had inadvertently had a nice impact on my life and in particular, my daughter’s. the scowl on her face never left (it never does). she pursed her lips together and spoke a few words. i agreed with her words and she said nothing further as she walked away.
what surprised me was how authentic i felt. i was completely in my own energy space, unattached to her reaction. and the most beautiful part – i truly wished her nothing but love. i wished her well. it was a very lovely experience. well, at least for me that is.
emotional outbursts continue now and then. now when i suppress anything and i mean anything, it can show up quickly in my body as stiffness, achy sensations, itchy skin and the need to spit. i watched a video by victor otto on youtube earlier and he speaks of these emotional outbursts many of us are having. if you feel so drawn, check him out and his insights on dealing with these experiences here. some evenings i seem to live on my yoga mat. at times on my walks i have had the urge to march – to really move my legs. i have learned that using our big muscles is very useful when moving deeply held, powerful energies arising from old pains and trauma’s. earlier today i suddenly began to cry. i had no idea why and still don’t. i just went with it. allowed for the experience.
allowing. that’s about all we can do these days isn’t it? surrender and allow.
wishing you all well~
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