Headed out earlier to get some supplies for the house. I had been in a rather somber space, chalking it up to old stuff coming up to release as well as a collective whole, given what I read from other’s experience of today. The need to just reflect was almost overwhelming. I had given myself about 20 minutes to do that but I knew I had to go much deeper. Aaahhh, for an entire week away in a cabin by myself!
As we arrive at the first store, I noticed two couples walking past. I watched the one in front, arms around each other. The man, stroking the woman’s back. For whatever reason, the tenderness of that moment took over me and next thing I know, tears are in my eyes. I wanted to know their story. How did they meet? What was the reason for the arms around each other? What was going on in their lives?
I pondered the amazing ability of the Universe. What conspired to bring these two together? What has kept them in each other’s life?
Turning up the radio, I heard REM’s “Everybody Hurts”. This song always gets me. Every. Single. Time. Sitting in the car, ignoring my child’s “moooom come ON already let’s go INSIDE” request, I turn up the song and let myself go.
The words of this song, like these people I saw, show the tenderness of life. The vulnerability. The REALNESS of our humanity. Every moment, so fleeting, over so quickly, onto the next. How often are we fully in each moment? I don’t know if this couple was fully in their moment but I know I was full in it – from my own perspective. Like an unintentional peeping patty.
The image of REM’s lead singer enters my mind next. I recalled watching him sing “Everybody Hurts” on an MTV Concert in the 90’s. He was wearing his grandpa’s hat as a tribute to his recent passing. Suddenly I’m missing my own grandpa, who also wore a similar hat. The tears come. Hard. And would not stop. I tried to get myself together before going into the store. Was not happening.
Screw it, I thought, getting out of the car. I don’t care if I’m crying, who sees me. I’m human and I’m having a moment. Into the store I go. It was crowded ~ no one noticed my “moment”. Or if they did, did what the rest of us do and pretend we don’t see.
We get what we need. I’m feeling a bit depleted. Feelings of being used and unappreciated suddenly hit me. Shit. Here we go again, I think.
Onto the next store. I’m on the lookout for a father’s day card for my mate. I don’t see a single one that resonates with me. Most were sarcastic. Others so over the top. In fact, the entire holiday brings up nothing but obligation and pain. Don’t have a solid emotional connection with my father, try as I have. My own relationship with my mate is a challenge, given we’re both longing for a new reality, both of us feeling trapped in our own ways. It’s been a long, very bumpy journey together.
Why celebrate anything that I do not feel like celebrating?
So I walked away from the cards. Child is nagging me incessantly to look at this, look at that. “We’re here for you dad,” I said, giving her the look. (See how utterly boring my “real” life is? My inner world of stories and such is far more interesting!)
I finally picked out some chocolate, walked to the register. The clerk, a woman probably in her 60’s, is a lovely person. I always enjoy speaking with her when I have gone into this store. She asked my girl about school, to which my child referred the question to me.
“We home school now,” I said.
She holds up her hand and says “Well Mom deserves a high-five for that!” and proceeds to share her perspective on motherhood and moms who work in the home. I told her if I ran this whole show, I would give every parent who stays home to raise their child a stipend. She gives me a thumbs up and asks for another “high-five”. The most important job ~ raising a human being.
I thanked her for her words. She said she had a feeling I needed to hear them, words of appreciation.
Wow. Talk about the Universe arranging a beautiful, much-needed moment for me.
Who of us IS appreciated enough?
In this house we seem to focus more on what is going wrong instead of what is working. I have a feeling many households are like that.
Spouses. Children and parents. Couples. Siblings. Work relationships.
I know it is up to ME to determine my emotional experience. And yet, sometimes, like today, when I am particularly tired and feeling somber, an old issue or two rearing it’s head for further re-examination, sometimes it is helpful and healing, in some way, to have the change in emotional experience directed through another Human Being.
We could all use much more of that.
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