I sat at the kitchen table earlier, listening to a public radio station that is 100% listener supported. They are in the middle of a spring fundraiser. I listened as people called in, pledging their support. People who regularly listen, who appreciate and enjoy the programming.
I felt this growing pain inside. I have shared my music and my writing works for over 30 years. Why do I feel guilty when I ask for a monetary exchange? I’m so tired of being told the only block is my thoughts (which I have been working on for over 2 years – something that’s a challenge if you are in my position), but I know it’s something else as well. When I first started this website and my other at buymeacoffee, I felt it was perfectly acceptable to ask for donations as an exchange for the creative work I share. I could see and feel the love and support. And I have kept at it. While there has been some financial waxing and waning, overall, I saw my income stream increase, then slowly decrease to the point where my stomach clenches just sharing these words.
Is work like mine just dead?
Am I not keeping up with trends?
Do people not want to read things?
Are podcasts and tik tok 20 second videos the thing?
I’m tired friends. No – I’m not tired – I am depleted from trying to keep up with everyone and everything else. Depleted from experiencing that there is no room for me here. Depleted from being the person in the class raising her hand only to get passed over for someone younger, brighter, more aggressive, or simply more popular. The idea of figuring out how to do videos or podcasts overwhelms me. It isn’t an excuse. I am not that tech-savvy, and the stress of living and being ripped apart and torn down by abuse has changed my brain. And I have no one – not one person – in my daily life showing up to fight for me, much less help. And it isn’t due to a lack of asking.
It makes me feel crazy. The pain of that level of abandonment is crushing my fucking soul.
Why am I writing this? I don’t know. Perhaps just to get it out of me.
So I guess I don’t know what the hell I’m doing other than finding some inner power that says I matter. What I do has value. I am worthy. I am every bit as worthy of being out on that Awakening stage as all the other bigger accounts that bring in thousands of views and dollars. I’ve tried connecting with many of these folks, and not ONE has agreed to give me a boost, which IMHO tells me a lot about their character, especially since I have always been one to give someone the spotlight for a moment. All they need to do is ask.
We are supposed to be here for one another.
And yet, just like high school and life, this place is one giant popularity contest, isn’t it?
It still is.
That spell.
That spell that says “ignore them, they’re small, pay attention to the loud shiny one over there”.
Go with the crowd.
I’m fucking done with that.
Crowds become cults.
And I struggle with that.
I want my piece of the pie.
There isn’t much I am capable of doing – not consistently. PTSD has literally all but consumed me. And it isn’t easy to heal from that when you are under ongoing financial pressure and ongoing living situation pressure. And there’s a story behind that one, too. The living situation. Let’s just say I’ve done things I normally would never have wanted to do just to keep myself housed in this place. I’ve lived with ongoing pressure for 14 years just to stay housed here. I’ve experienced character attacks – and false accusations – ongoing threats – from someone with a lot of money and thus more power over my life. Why? Because I have had a child to think about, and the rent here is drastically cheaper. And that – oh God – that is poison to me – the levels I have stooped to just to have a home – but I did it because you do what you have to do here at times to survive – even if it means lowering your standards and succumbing to someone with financial status. Sure, I have had legal protections, but I know the system now (been there, done that) and simply because something is on paper doesn’t mean it will be used to help you. $$ talks. $$ is power. $$ makes this matrix operate.
So, to the guilt within me?
I crush it. It’s just another spell here.
So at this moment, I am a walking paradox. I have total disdain towards any system that demands I pay it to survive. And I also ask to be paid for the work I provide. For at the end of the day, for every one of us, we are all selling out to this matrix.
Until it’s destroyed.
💖
Victoria
