I’m tired of being me today.
I’m tired of carrying around this pain – that no matter how much I cry it out – release it out – it. fucking. remains. like an unwanted guest.
I have failed my child – that is the biggest pain of them all. I failed her. I can’t stand to even let myself feel that too deeply – the shame I feel.
ANd the embarrassment.
How am I supposed to heal from that?
How am I supposed to heal from this fucking claustrophobic agoraphobic condition, which leaves me unable to travel and is a HUGE HUGE HUUUUGE impediment for me and my kiddo. I am SO DONE being criticized for having this condition – as though I can just snap out of it. I’ve been told by members of my own family that they just don’t “understand” why I can’t just drive or travel.
I wish I understood too. I’ve been talking about this with counselors for years.
I feel everything I have done – no – not just feel but I have seen that every fucking thing I have done to change myself, heal myself, change my life has not worked. I have fewer people in my life than ever before. I need strong safe reliable people showing up for me now – daily – at least regularly – because I am not strong enough now to hold my own hand. I’m just not. My emotions are all over the place. I’m weak. I’m powerless to whatever it is that’s happening to me.
And getting on here and seeing no financial support that I really need to be seeing is also crushing me. Ongoing. For years. All of this has left me feeling like I don’t matter. Well, not that I don’t matter – more like there’s no room for me here. I don’t know which is lonelier. I feel stupid. Naive. I really honestly thought I had something worth sharing – and wanted SO DEEPLY to share my stories and my truths and my visions of this world I so desperately want to be a part of. I thought I would have a voice worth listening to and could make some money at it given my condition precludes me from doing most “normal” work out there in the world – and my condition now includes PTSD from a lot of f’ing abuse. I am not. the. same. person. I was when I entered this place. Which I hate – because I know there are so many others who feel the same, and I don’t want to take away from that.
I just have this kiddo relying on me, you know? And disappointing her one more day is not something I can take in or accept. I want her to see Mom happy and thriving – with others helping her get there.
That’s all.
ðŸ˜ðŸ’–
Victoria
