A check in with a few current thoughts. ⋆ LOVE IN ACTION NOW

Been saying – whatever is putting out this movie doesn’t know a damn thing about Neurobiology.

I can’t do the “movie world stage” crap tonight.

I don’t know what to think at this point, my friends.

Trump, as we know, took over 1/4 million from AIPAC.

And THAT, my friends, is ILLEGAL.

Everyone in DC except for Massie is a criminal.

Every f’ing one of them.

And it is long past time we all see this and own it. (If you’re in another country, check and see if your area has an AIPAC tracker for your guberment monkeys).

So we obviously (as I have been saying and these days SCREAMING)…. we do not vote our way out of this.

If the military ain’t doing good things, we are screwed.

I can’t afford to wait anymore.

Not that I have a choice.

She speaks words of my heart:

I ain’t sleeping. I can’t afford to keep myself in my CBD oil. I’m f’ing so strapped in debt my brain freezes now. Survival mode has switched to full-on numbness sprinkled in with little moments of the need to beat to break some eggs only I cannot afford THAT pleasure (OMG the days of college when that is exactly what I would do – throw eggs or a couple of plates at my fence – today? DO NOT THROW THAT EGG!!!!!). Brain glitches. Several times today alone I suddenly stopped what I was doing and began twitching and shaking all over.

THIS

NOT

LIVING.

Someone (with money) told me to just “go live your life”.

WITH WHAT FUNDS??!!

Take a vacation away.

REALLY?

One, I have f’ing claustrophobia in ANY space where I cannot flee immediately now – thanks to trauma that was wrongly treated for almost 20 years – and for some reason it’s all coming up to be seen – like RIGHT NOW – lol – and yeah i’m dealing with that as best as I can without losing my MIND. Anyway – yeah I WANT to travel – IF I HAD THE MONEY and some REAL HEALING TO HELP ME SHIFT THIS NIGHTMARE.

Live your life.

Go travel. Go on vacation.

Man, don’t EVEN with that b.s. with me today.

And it isn’t just me.

It’s my girl.

My beautiful girl.

Who believes she has no real future here. She has a plan, and she’s sticking to it, but she still doesn’t believe she will be ok out in that reality. Never afford a home to buy, much less rent. And she’s tired. My god my baby – she is so. tired. these days. And it hurts so deep to see her like this. So I do my best to stay up and positive. And I continue to tell her everything will be ok. I PROMISE her. There is a plan. It’s just taking far longer than I thought. But this is temporary. We WILL have a New reality. A new world. A MUCH better one.

“Mom,” she says, “you’ve been saying that for 8 years now”.

And I have.

I can’t argue with that.

She sees my eyes too – mom you look so tired. Mom you used to be so much happier.

😭😩

After so many years – literally YEARS – of reassuring on top of dealing with the bullshit and abuse and trauma of trying to start my life over again, I can’t do it the way I once did. I’m alone here. No one around here to really talk to. And that is adding to my “I am LOSING it here and it scares me, and Jesus, is there anyone who really cares enough??!!” I’m not fucking around. I’m not doing this for attention.

I am fucking DONE living this way.

I am DONE begging like a little freak for $$ and support.

DONE waking up jerking all over the bed, consumed with panic and nervous system meltdown.

I do my little mantra’s every fucking night. IN fact, I have some new ones – have a digi recorder I forgot I had that literally repeats each file until you manually shut it off – so I am falling asleep listening for hours to the words that will feed my subconscious mind so that it will f’ing start working WITH me instead of against me.

Oh, anyone else wanting desperately for a new body?

Feeling this one just ain’t working out anymore?

It’s like I tell myself how calm I am and my nervous system now says, “the fuch we are!”

“Everything will be ok.”

NS: “Yeah? PROVE IT!”

“I am surrounded by love.”

NS: “Really? WHERE?”

“I trust myself.”

NS: “I trust NO ONE. CHANGE IS BAD. THIS REALITY IS AWFUL. I AM NOT SAFE.”

I NEED my CBD oil, but I cannot afford that expense. Frig, I just got hit with an unwanted expense earlier today. And I sat there and screamed at the message. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO PAY WITH, YOU ASSHATS? MY FUCKING LEFT KIDNEY? MY BIG TOE?

I mean FUCKING ENOUGH ALREADY.

So this g.d. White House account better be talking about FINANCIAL RELIEF instead of some stupid ass election. Because that is what the PEOPLE NEED NOW. IN THIS MOMENT.