Sometimes, like right now, I wish Jesus were here.
So I could talk to him and feel seen.
Heard.
Did he really even exist? I don’t know. But I do know anything can be created inserted uploaded into this reality, so why not.
That powerful safe solid presence of his – to do some ass kicking.
To reach out to the most vulnerable, the most unseen, those who have been crying loudly or silently. Letting them speak. Letting them be seen.
Kicking off the stage all of the loud mouths who command all of the attention and don’t understand the concept of sharing or that we are all in this together or no one above another. And with a quiet solid force that shows he ain’t messing around.
Let.
This.
Person.
Be.
Seen.
Let their story be heard.
They have something to say too.
Being in the presence where I feel safe.
Where all of the ideas and passions in my heart are finally seen.
And instead of receiving silence or yawns or “that takes money” excuses, he takes my hand and promises me: “We will get your visions created. Together. I ain’t going anywhere. I have your back.”
Then he looks out at the vast audience and says, “Who wants to help?”
Sometimes it takes someone with a label of importance to get shit done.
If Jesus were to show up or someone like him – even her – I would also have them make phone calls for me and talk to these npc’s I keep encountering. Nice, pleasant, but NPC like. I still feel I am not being taken seriously or seen in the way I need.
And deserve.
I got bounced around today – again. Email and phone. And I’m f’ing done with that.
I’m just done.
I ain’t sleeping well.
Waking up in panic or pounding the bed.
My eyes look puffy and are half-open in recent days.
I look – old.
I see a light, an open door, I check it out and slam it goes. Or I get told to jump through another hoop. Or go over there. I had a recent conversation and was told the person assigned to me was THE expert in the programs I was seeking. But when I spoke with this assigned person just yesterday she informed me she was THE expert in her part of the state.
O M F G – then why was I not assigned to the expert in my part of the state???
I dunno.
Quiet temper tantrum ensuing until I am alone and can scream it all out.
But see this is all I have to rely on now to help catapult me into a better life – the system.
To which I think Seriously? THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT IS OUT THERE?!?!?
Tell me again why there are so many homeless people out there??? THIS is what they have faced – and most of them probably aren’t loud like I am – able to advocate for myself.
Yes, Jesus – we need you. Because few are taking what I have to say seriously. You would have more of a positive impact. I’m just V. Or Victoria. Or Vicki. Or the crazy woo woo. Or the unwanted whiney ass bitch.
Take your pick. I’ve been called them all.
5 folders sit beside me of all the things I’m exploring. I am about to make another one. I. have. to. find. something. new – I have to do SOMETHING to make sure we have a secure place to live. I am in no mental space to go couch surfing – not with a child.
The worst possible time in human history for this to be thrown on my plate. Ya there is a rage there around that I am trying to dispel…….
My nervous system can’t take that pressure. Revolting is happening – stomach in knots – all of the little minor health issues are inflamed and acting out atm. Reassuring with breath stretching supplements resting as much as I can. Doesn’t have to be this way.
It never did.
💖
Victoria
CASHAPP: $VictoriaT1144
ZELLE: themamatrinity@gmail.com
