another night here have me waking up in states of panic physical fits pounding the bed talking out loud saying things like I’m not f****** doing this anymore. The word no used a lot.
The system would tell me to go take some pills to calm down. New Age retards would tell me to hold a different thought. The church would tell me to pray to Jesus.
I see very few on stage now talking about the nervous system. I’m grateful for them because they speak my language. We may not agree on politics but we all agree on one thing and that is the needs of the nervous system must be met if we are to be healthy functioning adults here. Humans I should say because the needs of the nervous system are the same whether you are 10 or 110. A baby or an adult.
The nervous system has four basic needs. The need for rest the need for connection the need for stimulation and the need for safety.
When any of those are compromised are missing you’re going to be in a state of dysregulation. This is what is happening for many of us.
I am under constant Financial pressure every moment of every day to come up with some way that I haven’t yet f****** thought of or haven’t yet f****** reached out to get help for to avoid this $400 loss that is pounding on my door.
Well meaning people reach out and ask me what are you going to do you need to make a plan.
Those questions don’t f****** help me they only bring me harm.
Even coming here everyday and doing the work i do and not receiving the monetary compensation or exchange of love for the work that I share for my heart everyday is crushing me.
Every f****** day that I find a place that looks like I could apply for and I do and I don’t hear back or I get told sorry I don’t have quite the skills they are looking for that is crushing me.
Being trapped in a house I don’t want to be in is crushing me.
Trying to get help from agencies around here is crushing me.
I take responsibility by speaking my truth and stating what it is that I need.
I feel like I’m speaking into a vacuum at this point. I’m looking for just like my mom said one good person who sees me for who I am and offers me not an idea because I don’t need another idea but a real legitimate opportunity that I can do that will help heal me and help lift me up and out of this mess that I am in. An idea that comes from somebody who cares who sees who has the means and the desire to help. Because my nervous system is not strong enough right now to take another leap of faith on my own meaning the idea of call this person and check this out I can’t do it anymore I’ve begun telling people explore it for me because my system can’t take another rejection.
A person can only take so many no’s and only so much silence.
