A random comment. 90% of my comments are from spam bots. I started this site 9 years ago with the intention of making a mark in the world and connecting with others. I felt I was a part of something. Today I feel kicked out and unseen and unwanted. Like an old person who has so much wisdom to share but the masses are more drawn to the person with the shine and loud voice. Quiet wisdom is still not appreciated here, making me feel more alone than I ever have.
My healer keeps canceling on me – my sessions have been few and far in between lately. I reached out to my provider and asked for referrals – received some – picked new people who I liked and felt a resonance with – reached out to them – several times each. Not hearing a word back. That has NEVER happened. Whenever I contact someone new I always hear back after the first attempt. I called my provider explaining what was up. Twice. Not hearing back.
Also seeking scholarships I was told are available – and not hearing back from people who said they would be in touch. I’m being a loud squeaky wheel too – following up reminding them I’m still here, interested – to please get back to me.
Still waiting to hear back from someone about marketing my writing website and book.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REACH OUT TO PEOPLE AND BE SEEN AND TAKEN SERIOUSLY? I should not have to push like this – but I guess in this matrix – you do.
I want to apply for financial aid (federal) – for scholarships as I am not eligible for grants given I have a degree and am not interested in taking out loans when I already have bill collectors texting and calling me now saying “your payment is past due”. To do that requires the spouse to fill out information. He is not ok doing this. It’s REQUIRED if legally married.
I am screaming to the world now for help and I am not being taken seriously. People only drown when others around them allow it. I’ve given so much of myself – always been willing to have others backs – always willing to help in whatever way I can – and so I am confused and today enraged and bewildered why this is not being returned to me at the same level I have given/offered it. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel supported from god/the universe. I feel trapped and alone in a dark place – cut off – disconnected – surrounded by people who most can only say “i’m sorry” when it’s easy to gather others and say hey let’s help this person because isn’t that what love looks like? I long to be free of this horrid empty feeling – this place too that has seemed to produce these feelings in me since I was a child. People make it when loved and supported. I’m doing my best to be that person for myself. As my healer has told me – be that safe person for yourself first. And yet I realized she also lied to me – saying she had no one when she was going through her darkest period – no one to help – no place to go – she did it all on her own. And yet I recently learned from her that wasn’t true – she had her family who took her in.
i’ve realized something about myself – and perhaps this is TMI but hey – i don’t really think i care anymore what i look like how i sound or what i say or who may or may not be offended by my blunt honesty: i’ve had this belief that i am only allowed to ask for help so many times. my mom put that one there when i asked for help once 20 some years ago and she said you can’t expect me to help you whenever you need – and i was like at the time stunned – thinking first i could count on one hand the number of times i had asked her for help (as an adult) and second i had no expectations – mostly just fear in asking for help from anyone in my family. i had learned not to early on – too risky. that set up the belief that i have a set amount of times i can ask for help.
it isn’t that i haven’t wanted to be better – do different – sometimes i don’t. know. HOW. i am who i am – and isn’t it ok if i just want some love from others to help lift me up when i don’t feel capable of doing it myself? even though i can lift myself up – tbh i do it every. single. day. when i get out of bed – morning routine and all.
each and every time i have sought the guidance of a healer/counselor i have at that time PURE intentions in wanting to heal. i realize now – i don’t know how. today of course i realize with trauma you don’t talk it away and i wasted over 20 years thinking that approach would be the answer when it never was – but i didn’t give up. like someone seeking help for a physical issue and medical docs band-aid the issue. i have this resistance – this deep fear – ancient – within me – i am willing to dive deep and SEE it – but how do i let it go? other than self talk and ongoing encouragement – i am not sure how to heal. how to let go. how do you let go? i’ve had too many times of people offering to help and they don’t show up. or they quietly walk away. if i say i’m going to do something i DO it. and if i forget and don’t i want to know about it!
this movement was supposed to be about humanity uniting. and yet i see it’s become just another version of this place – survival of the fittest. the biggest shiniest accounts get the accolades, energies and attention. if you can’t compete with that, you get left out. i honestly never thought or saw myself being in this position i am in. i thought this site was going to be “IT” for me – in terms of making the money i aimed to make – and having the audience i was intent on creating. i had had the draw to the name alone since i was 25, 26 years old. what was it all for?
today?
none of it feels real.
what do i do now?
