In my email box this morning was a link to a chat going on through Quora talking about INFJ’s.  Meyers-Briggs personality test that includes a variety of personality types, INFJ’s being the rarest.  As a fellow INFJ’er – going back to the time I first took the full-length test back in the early 90’s – I was curious to read other people’s perceptions.  Words used to describe this type by others in the chat:

Unusual.

Cool.

In tune with God.

Truthseeker.

That last one stayed with my body, who had some words to say.

It has not felt safe for me to tell the truth.

Going way back to when I was small, to tell the truth often meant going against tradition, be it with family, peers (rather done using the term friend for those who don’t stick around – peers come and go – friends stay with us), school, church.  And my experience was when I did that, I’d get in trouble.  Yelled at.  Criticized.  Bullied/teased.  “Always sticking her foot in her mouth” is still an old childhood little wound put there by a family member who was addicted to the status quo.

These experiences continued on into present time.  I know who wants to keep me in line.  I know when someone is playing passive aggressive games with me.  I know that when I disagree with someone and present a different perspective and they change the subject, the connection has been severed, and I move on.  I am not here to keep anyone comfortable and under the illusion of being safe.

I am here to be ME.

To break those spells.

Not to go along with them.

That is simply not who I am.

Obviously.

But I went along with it anyway for it felt SAFER to my body to do so.

At least that part that of my nervous system whose focus is to keep me alive.

But sometimes being “alive” in that way doesn’t indicate WELL.

REALLY alive.

For to be REALLY alive IS to tell your own truth.

To speak out when that inner feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeler says to do so – when it says, “this isn’t right”.

Even if you’re shaking.

Even if your nervous system is saying “uh NOO DO NOT SAY THAT TOO SCARY SCARY”.

Part of this Awakening is seeing not just the lies and deception of this place, but to see all of the lies I told myself.

Those many times I deceived myself.

The lies spoken to keep the peace.  “It’s ok.  I’m fine.  I’m sorry.”

The times I refused to look at myself in the mirror, not wanting to see I just betrayed myself.

Again.

Even to this day when I do my work here, sometimes I hesitate to say something because of fear.   Fear of losing readers.  Fear that the matrix will come with its b.s.  Fear that even as I SAY that last part, people will think “ok she’s crazy.”

It’s happened.

But I know the journey to healing begins by telling the truth.  MY truth.

And as an INJR’s – as a sensitive type (HSP) – it is in my code – my DNA – my energetic imprint of WHO I AM to tell the truth.  That voice comes from deep within and nudges me to SEE.  To QUESTION.  To SPEAK and SHARE.  And it is in that energetic code within to SEE things others don’t.  Sense.  Smell even.  There are many hidden dimensions around us here.  Some of us are better able to sense them is all.

If we are to TRULY have an organic experience of awakening here, it starts with each of us carrying that TRUTH code – that truth ENERGY – with us.  Every day.  All the time.  With confidence.  With KNOWING.

Be true to thyself is far deeper in its energetic truth than just some fancy words put on a bumper sticker.

Spoken and shared with true intention, which at least for me, requires me to step back from that initial nudge to share/speak, go within and bring my body and nervous system along.  To build that sense of Safety again – to change the definition of what Safety REALLY is – to remember I AM GOD SOURCE EMBODIED.  Words cannot define it – it’s a feeeeeeeeeeel.

A knowing.

Ancient.

Eternal.

Again – no words.

Just a knowing – which requires no words to understand.

💖

Victoria

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Greatawakening.win  

I’ve been thinking about this a lot.

I’ve been looking at myself and how I become when I feel desperate.  The Hope I have when I try something new, reach out to this place or that person and end up in another “ok that went nowhere” situation/experience.  I see my bank account and bless it.  And yet I also see each month I’ve been seeing less incoming, prices going up, child in need of things I cannot provide in the way I want and she deserves.  But on I go – reaching out here reaching out there going within trying NEW approaches.  I bounce back up and do my best – but I would be lying if I said inside I do not feel that desperation creep in – no matter what I tell myself.  No matter what inner work I do to shift it.

Now what would relieve that fear – for all of us?  Certainly for me.

A NEW REALITY where there was N E V E R an experience that requires us to give to IT in order just to f’ing survive.  Or at the very least for someone to step in and hear me – see me – and help me take my next step(s).  Or a big ‘ole pile of beautiful abundant money start coming in regularly.  Or one time drop of a nice 6 figure amount.  😄

Seriously though………

Until that time comes, that moment, as slow as fuch as it is going, it’s compete compete compete.  I see so many people here locally offering their services – house cleaning, yard work, automotive, general maintenance.  People selling belongings.  Artwork.  Food they have grown.  Some are desperate – saying they “REALLY” need the extra money.  More and more showing up with their “Any amount helps” signs in front of stores.  How hard must that be to actually do that?  I certainly don’t see happy people behind those signs.  I see blank stares.  I see fatigue.  Anyone who says such folks are lazy needs to walk in their shoes and see how “lazy” they really are.  There’s a story there behind each one.

If Jesus were walking the streets here and elsewhere, he’d be chastising and questioning governments, big businesses, those with their mcdonald mansions, pointing to those sleeping in tents and on park benches:  “What are you doing to help these people?”  Or:

“WHY aren’t you helping these people?”

But he isn’t.  So that leaves me and anyone else who feels as I do.  About love.  Kindness.  Suffering.  Helping.  And this toxic system.

So many songs about this one topic that is ever-present for anyone not in a position of financial wealth and abundance.

Today was another day to continue my phone calls, being bounced around like a hot potato, all in the pursuit of one thing:  money.  Scholarships.  Help with promoting my work.

As I wait for this world to shift and the cost of food and utilities and housing to come down to “sane” doable levels, I continue to call this person who then transfers me off to that person who then transfers me off to another person where I either end up having to leave a message and engage in another lovely round of phone-tag-stupid, too often being told “get in line” with all the other desperate Souls or “sorry we are out of funding” or my personal favorite:  “we cannot help you.”  Today there is light that I MAY be able to get some help at least for scholarships/funding for school.  (I am going to be completely honest and say how concerned I am for that – as I do not know if I have the cognitive ability to pull off all of the memorizing this program entails.  The stress of my life and of the outside reality has taken a toll on me.  I am not the same person I was just 2 years ago.  Memory issues.  Brain fog and near constant fatigue.  I am doing my best to meet myself where I am now – being advised not to push myself – but what other option do I have now?  I am only doing this because my writing works are not bringing me in the income I need.  And this f’ing “plan” has not materialized that new world on my needed timeline.  Ya know?)

For now, I am thinking about forwarding my calls/texts from bill collectors telling me “your account is past due” onto the military and all who are behind this plan who allowed the cost of being alive to skyrocket out of reach.

Good idea?  Yea?  Nay?

Yeah.  I happen to think it is a logical next step.

Conscientious in fact.

As I was told today by one of the many aforementioned people with whom I have been speaking with seeking that very end goal of money money:  “I wish more of our clients were as conscientious as you are.  You have some good ideas.  I will pass them along.”

My idea?  Streamline the process of generating a letter so that it doesn’t SIT (god knows where – not even the CSR knew) for a week before being sent out.  How much money would this save?  How much time is wasted on phone calls such as mine who, just as I thought, letters got crossed in the mail due TO this off 7-day-where-the-hell-does-the-letter-go (on vacation?) before being SENT OUT.  When a letter is printed out with the date of 6.10 and postmarked on 6.17 you know improvement is needed.

And CSR – weed out the useless fodder.  The ones who do not call you back.  Or respond to emails.  Or like what I went through today – a useless internet search for a website I was told to go to and fill out paperwork THAT DOES NOT EXIST.  Oh but there are good ones – and I experienced that today.  Time will tell…

Sometimes the squeaky wheel – of which I now end my messages these days with these outlets “V the squeaky wheel” who is not going to be quiet until she gets the help she needs and deserves – eventually gets some movement and attention.  Also telling a higher up that you are done being tossed around like a hot potato works too.

Sad.

Unnecessary.

You sometimes have to put on hats you would not want to wear.  The desperation hat.  The mama “I HAVE A CHILD HELP ME” hat.  Combined.

So many in need.

And SO MUCH WEALTH and RESOURCES still being hoarded –  kept somewhere – where though is the mystery – same place as those aforementioned letters perhaps.

When it could ALL be released to end this ongoing f’ing financial crushing and beating too many of us are taking.  I thank God every night for those of you who come here and to my other site and support my important works.  It is because of you that my girl and I eat, have heat and running water.  Next month is haircut time and clothes (as she continues to grow OMG!  lol).  I hope the hairstylist will take a 2-3 month payment plan.  I’ll just add it to the 3 others I am on.

💖🙏

Victoria