Feliz Navidad greets me on the radio as I sit down to write this. No joke.
This morning, an email newsletter from a nervous system healing group in which I belong greeted me as did another money manifesting newsletter in which I belong.
All of this sits in my mind and body, calling me to write about it.
The song. Who didn’t grow up hearing that song this time of year? A simple little tune, happy, upbeat. I used to sing along with it as I bopped around town in my little car. Visiting friends. Visiting family. Sucking on those 1″ thick candy canes from my youth.
The newsletter from the money manifesting started off by talking about the massive holiday preparations she was undertaking, getting ready to cozy on up with her spouse and children. Perhaps a getaway to the mountains to rent a nice cabin. (to which my teenage self muttered “well goodie for you”)
Today neither of these two above resonated with me. All they served was to trigger me, which is why I really appreciated the nervous system newsletter, which talked about the masks we wear during the holidays, especially at Christmas. Christmas brings up the best and saddest/most pained of what’s inside. All of those unhealed parts stored in our nervous systems, showing up in each of us, coming out in a myriad of ways we often don’t even notice. Checking our watch to see how much longer until we get to leave. Deep sighs coming from mom’s smiling face. Chugging down a glass of wine to “relax”.
Who hasn’t experienced this?
It seems this year in particular is hitting extra hard. The fatigue. Fog of war (is it any wonder there’s been an unusual amount OF fog this year – let alone the last few years?). The cost of E V E R Y T H I N G. The overspending. The fear TO spend. The pressure to put on a smile and “be grateful” when that’s the last thing your body needs much less wants TO do.
Can’t we all just remove our damn masks and let out how we REALLY feel?
This year I put up a tree. Hung lights. Put out more decorations than usual. Bought gifts. Sent out cards. What is it I am trying to hide FROM? Why do I cave to the pressure? Do I really even want to celebrate?
I do. I want to celebrate. But I also want to be left the hell alone until I want to reconnect again. I want sad memories gone. I want the happy memories gone because they only make me feel sad over a life that feels like it happened a million years ago in a different timeline and at that, it feels like it was an illusion. A lie. Like I was living in a cloud I didn’t even know existed. Today, I am a completely different person. Still me but HUGELY different.
Awakening has a dark side. It exposes all that is fake.
So then….
What FEELS real now?
What am I really connected to?
Pray to Jesus.
Jesus is the reason for the season.
Why do I feel NOTHING when I focus on those?
I LONG for what feels real but don’t know what that is much less what it even looks like. I can’t even frigging VISUALIZE my life now. I try and I try and I try and come up blank. Empty. Literally – like there’s nothing there inside left to offer up. I may get an idea but there’s just like no lasting feeling. Even though I have a new direction in this 3D matrix and an appointment early next year to get going on it, fresh road kill has more life to it than does this new direction.
It’s like my nervous system is telling me to just STOP.
And something deep within is saying the same.
JUST. STOP.
Stare at the damn sky even if it’s a mess with fog.
Look at pictures even if they don’t inspire me to feeeeeeeeel.
Play my piano even if I feel robotic doing so.
It’s like I’m digging SO DEEP now. A new layer that I haven’t touched but I still feel like it’s there. A distant far off memory. A remembrance.
Of what was before all of this matrix shit consumed my experience.
Of who I was IN it.
Whatever it is you are doing this week with whomever or even alone (remote cabin in the woods by a lake sounds quite appealing now doesn’t it?), know you aren’t alone if any of this resonates with you. There can be no lonelier feeling than to be alone and feel you need TO be with others just as there is no lonelier feeling than being WITH family/friends and feeling totally disconnected.
Maybe the best gift we can give ourselves is just to let ourselves sit with however it is we do feel inside. Let that part of us speak. It has a story. A story that deserves to be seen, allowed to exist and told instead of drowning it with a glass of wine, a forced smile or a glance at our watch.
💖
Victoria
