Here I go again. God, how I wish I had a support network of friends – people – around me. My counselor cancelled – again. I cannot seem to have regular sessions here – which I need. Finding another person has been a waste. No one available in my area that either takes my insurance or doesn’t have a full waitlist. I cannot keep doing this isolation/loneliness. I spoke with two new people through agencies today. Both said, “we’ll see what we can do.” I’ve heard that before so while my heart is hopeful, my expectations are in the toilet.
I keep reading for nervous systems to heal the person needs consistent safe nurturing environments. What do I do when I don’t have that? What am I supposed to do when my attempts to do that fail?
My kiddo has grown again. “Mom, I need new clothes!”
Trying to navigate creating a whole new life on my own has drained me. New home. Training. New work. Too many disappointments from people I thought were friends who said “I am here for you” and/or “I hear you. I will make sure I check in with you,” or “I want to be your support person” and I don’t hear back. I end up having to reach out. What has happened to us? Have we given up? Have we lost our ability to see and care and show up?
I realize I am not in the best position to offer anyone a damn thing at this point. I see that. I’m the one needing people to show up for me. I can barely maintain being a mom at this point, much less take care of myself. I am that. exhausted. And it’s scaring me. And I know when I say that, there are those in my life who will judge me and say I need to call an agency, or who will say “wel,l you HAVE to do SOMETHING”. Those are the words I hear in my mind now.
Not hearing me one bit when I say those words now causes. me. harm.
Where is the love in this reality? Where is the ability to see someone where they are instead of what you think they should be?
Can someone tell me where it is????
