I’ll just dive right in.  This.  Week.  Has.  Been.  A.  Doozy.

No sheot!

I spent about 1/3 of today crying and releasing.  At one point I tapped into something so old and deep, I had a small thought “what if I don’t stop crying?”  It was something I needed to speak out loud about to release.

Sometimes my regrets threaten to strangle me.  I’ve made some really less-than-who-I-am (sounds better than stupid) choices over the years.  I wish I had believed in myself more.  I use those mistakes to teach my girl ~ ALWAYS believe in yourself.  Trust yourself.  Be Courageous.

All those words I needed to hear and did not in my own childhood.

Exhaustion is off the charts.  Sleep issues have been all week (w/the exception of one night).  Intense itching comes up sporadically. Shaking. Anxiety.  Dizziness. At the moment, a headache, likely a stress headache. Strain.

I awoke today to see most of the internet sites I visit, including my bank, were down (including my site and hosting company hence no posting for today).  I phoned my bank to get some balance information and learned I had a fraudulent charge on my account, so I had to take care of that, reorder a new card.

In spite of feeling uneasy and exhausted, unbalanced, I headed out to get food.

While at the store, I had a panic attack.  I leaned on the counter and thought ok if I pass out, I pass out.  My chest felt heavy.  Of course I did not faint.  I refocused and was fine.  I checked in with myself. “What is going on?” I thought then felt “emotions needing to be cleared out”.

AGAIN?  Really??

Let me tell you, I felt I was in vice grips today.  All week actually, just building up for today.  Now that I’ve purged, I feel a bit more relaxed. Centered.

That is when I’m not feeling confused – a sense of unease.  Why am I here? What do I do next?  And the big one:  can I really have faith in all I have seen and felt for myself and my life?

Is all of this really happening?

Those are suddenly big energetic questions for me right now ~ and I’m not liking it.

I thought of the word “doubt”.

We have a lot of old false programming on doubt.  We are taught to doubt all that is amazing and miraculous, beautiful and hugely possible.

We are not, however, taught to doubt the crap and evil of the world.  The fraud.  The lies.  Oh, we put plenty of faith into all of that.

But to imagine something different?  Amazing?  Beautiful?

Dare I say, even Perfect?

Dreams come true?

No, you see, I began to know my doubt was old programming.

What am I here to do?  Accept the shit and live in doubt of anything different/better?

Or am I here to (help) break down the illusions so the amazing/beautiful/perfect can and will be ~ IS being created?  However I feel guided to do that?

Yeah, I will take that last one.

Don’t Stop Believing (feeling/imagining/seeing/knowing)…

Victoria

***

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My emotions have been all over the place for awhile now.  I read lately that empaths may be having an especially difficult time now as we pick up on the energies of the collective.

Yeah, I thought, that is part of it.  But I knew something else was missing.

Earlier today I thought back to my childhood.  I loved to watch the NBA Finals as a child ~ that and the World Series.

I remembering feeling intense emotions.  For the winning team, I would feel chills.  My eyes would swell up in tears.  Emotions of pride and accomplishment were powerful within my little body.

Then I would think of the losing team and I would vacillate to the other end of the emotional spectrum.  I felt such deep sadness.  Grief.  The sense of loss and disappointment was huge.  More tears would overcome me.  Each emotion was so damn real to me ~ it left me confused.

I can remember watching certain news stories over the years of people who had committed crimes.  Even those engaging in the most horrible of acts, once they were captured, I would feel the flood of relief for the families. And then, I would naturally slip into feeling such sadness for the perpetrator.  The sense of regret and loss.  “What a waste of a life,” I would think, trying to understand the heavy emotions I was feeling.

I’m still this way today.  As  child I didn’t speak of it.  I thought I was “weird” for experiencing such strong and opposing emotions.  Today I know different.  Today I have a “label” and an explanation.

I reflect on the term “opposing emotions”.

Are they really opposing?  Or are they just energetic experiences that result when I sense emotions from others ~ all on one spectrum?

I could speak of this some more I am sure but for now I am EXHAUSTED from processing all of this emotional junk ~ that I know is part mine/in here – and part out there.  So time for some much needed rest and TLC.

Peace ya’ll.  I feel we are at peak point.  Relief, soon.

Victoria

 

 

 

I don’t know why I’m doing this.  I just feel the need to.

I’ve been thinking about this space in which we reside.  Gaia.  Planet earth. I’ve been calling it “this realm” for some time as it feels fake to me. Artificial.  I began having that feeling a couple of years ago and it has waxed and waned since then, only recently becoming a full-on experience.

The other day I had a feeling we have lived in this artificial construct ~ an earth-like planet on life support.  It’s a good simulation – perfect perhaps – until you begin to awaken.  The more – the deeper one awakens – the more “fake” this realm feels.  Can feel (depending upon who you are – obviously not all hold the same feeling experience/perception as I do).

It’s just something I know and feel.  The sun feels fake.  The sky.  Even the trees and plant life.

I know I have lived in a purely Organic realm.  Pure.  Divine.  You can see the color and life in everything.  The skies are a much deeper blue.  The sun ~ purely brilliant orange.  The trees are brighter.  Flowers, deeper and brighter in color.  Everything glows.  It’s a giant rainbow ~ every color spectrum imaginable ~ with our eyes able to see it all.  It literally feeds and sustains us.  This energy.  This beautiful pure untouched Divine color rainbow.

The more this energy feeling and knowing comes through me, the more difficult it is in some moments to still.  be.  here.

I no longer want to ground into this realm.  It feels heavy.  Dense.  It isn’t that I don’t send it Love.  I do.  Any and all things, natural and otherwise, who have been manipulated to suite an evil agenda of control has suffered ~ suffered… for ALL has been stifled to fully shine and Know and Be the Pure Divine ALL that each living being IS.

Seeing the end result ~ feeling the way all IS and WILL BE ~ while still. being.  here.  is.  very.  painful.  in.  this.  moment.

So while I am feeling this experience, allowing it, purging it, I also feel called to send a final message.

I am sorry.

I am sorry you were created and used as a lie.

You certainly are deserving of better.  Of full freedom to be who YOU are too.

What will be happening to you?

Will you be transformed?

Many of us do not “see” ourselves staying here.  Many of us have “seen” (and oh how we are feeling it!!) ourselves going to REAL planets.  REAL Universes.  Home whether that be in a space in which we once inhabited or in a space altogether New.

I hope you are transformed and allowed to flourish into something Real and Pure.

For every Sentient Being ~ regardless of how Created ~ longs for the same thing:  Freedom.

And that Gaia/Planet Earth/this realm is what I wish for you.

And I thank you for how you have sustained me and each of us for all of these cycles.

The time for resting, healing and liberation is now.

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Victoria

***

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