I’ve been focused on doing some things differently – watching my inner dialogue, watching the words I speak quietly and outwardly – getting rather lost in my brain while ignoring what was going on within – which was a whole lot of pain and other stuff wanting to be seen and heard. Even the healer I see likes to see me in control and centered – which was the topic for this past week. As I told her “yes I am in control – on the outside – but inside I am smoldering ready and needing to blow”.
Inside – inside the part of me that is frustrated and SEES and KNOWS about not just the nature of my body and mind and heart and experience in my own little bubble here but also the nature of this reality here has been calling out for a couple of weeks for some TLC. Today – after this passed time of being in Observer mode while watching what I speak or express/share- the “ignored” and neglected parts of me came pushing out – in more ways than one.
I cried and screamed and did other things. It was messy and f’ing ugly but also f’ing beautiful as well. Why? I was being REAL. I wasn’t putting on a front. I wasn’t trying to silence something that may offend or inconvenience another or violate some “keep your vibe up” rule. I know when I get away from being REAL – I start to turn into one of those new age arrogant ignorant snobs that bother me so much. lol
I cried over how alone I’ve felt here.
How often I have sat on my front porch and cried – people walking by – never once anyone stopping to offer up some love. I’ve had the same experience sitting on benches at the park. Not. once.
I cried over how long I have put myself out there – asking for help – asking for what I need (realized I need to be more blunt about that at times and just ASK when it feels uncomfortable). I cried over the blocks I experience in increasing my income and turning this place into a money generating machine (like other awakening/truther sites). The pooh pal crap denying me the right to earn a living with the blocks that has created. Patreon giving me the boot twice. The censoring. Just f’ing U G H ENOUGH already!
I realized – this f’ing event moment could happen tomorrow and I have no idea – no concept – of what I would do with myself. Where would I go? Other than healing and a huge amazing house by the ocean – wherever that is – that’s all I got. I don’t know because I don’t know ME without trauma.
The trauma I have is complex and it has made it very difficult for me to be “normal” – for long. I have difficulty trusting. I have social anxiety. I space out – blip out. Get tired easily. Bursts of energy are rare these days so making plans to DO just don’t happen because I. don’t. know. if. I. will. have. it. in. me. to. talk. like. a. “normal” person. I feel I have been beaten down by ugly words and flat out dismissive b.s. for too damn long.
Yes, I get the whole “push yourself”. I don’t know how much of that “pushing” I have in me now. That’s what I began to do again several weeks ago – and I see where maybe I pushed myself too hard. Perhaps I am far more traumatized/in pain than I realize. And I say that not to be boo hoo victim – but to simply offer it up as an observation.
Not everyone here is targeted. Those who are – some are targeted more than others. Some have an easier time manifesting. Some – more challenging. Those who are not yet awake or even in the early stages often have NO FUCHING CLUE what it is like for some of us – for me. Again – no boo hoo crap – just being real, raw and authentic.
There is this practice of meeting people where they are. I think that’s the most f’ing loving thing one can do for another – and it ain’t easy – especially if you are “up”. Been there before – yes really – I do have really good up moments – days/periods – and when I’m up and hear from a beautiful soul in pain – it can be hard for me to just be there without feeeeeeeeeeeling the pain – even though I can hold space I suck at keeping a barrier around me – I pretend I can but in reality I’m just really detached from my heart and am instead all in the brain.
And what kind of “real” is that?
But sometimes – this place forces us into self-preservation mode.
I get that.
I have the issue of momentum to deal with as well. I feel like a bike rider – I can ride up that damn hill and keep going but if I don’t listen to my aching muscles or thirst mode – I crash and burn.
And that is what I tend to do. And did.
I can only “warrior up” for so long.
I can only “be the observer” for so long. (those saying that and instilling fear that if you don’t stay there bad things may happen – you may not make it out, etc. – yeah – NONSENSE – love don’t do that kind of speak – compassion is the way to go instead of pretending to know the “fate” of another’s Soul)
I have to realize there are MANY DIFFERENT pieces that make up ME – and each one is as beautiful and deserving and worthy of attention and tending to and sharing as all the others.
(Thank you to my wonderful sister and friend LH for helping me rise back up and at least SEE my truth and speak it.)
Love,
Victoria
