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I have grown to hold contempt for this word as it is callous.

Dismissive.

Heartless.

It is a gaslighting technique used when one sees someone depleted, struggling, drowning, and instead of doing the Human thing of ASKING WHAT THEY NEED, or offering your help, such people toss a catchy phrase the way of the person suffering. Those on stage telling us not to be a “PANICAN” have their living needs provided for. Easily. Regularly. Their nervous system’s are regulated as a result of having needs provided for easily and consistently. These folks have each other. They have support networks.

I honestly feel we were MORE connected prior to this Awakening. But instead, people have taken sides, followed more big-name gurus on stage, far too many who claim to have inside information.

And just like the 85% of humans who lined up for the jab, most of the followers of these big-name guru’s eat up their words.

I also see far too large an amount of people claiming to be pro-Awakening and pro-Maga engage in appalling bully tactics, name-calling. Just last weekend I was called a faggot and was grilled with passive-aggressive questions demanding I explain one simple post I made with the Q phrase: “Saving Israel for Last”. The name-caller then shared an image with me with an entity pointing the barrel of a shotgun my way. You’re damn right I reported that violence and blocked.

WTF is wrong with humanity?

Are these even humans?

Nothing makes sense for me now.

Nothing feeeeeeeeeels in alignment.

At all.

I continue to wake up every damn morning shaking, literally gripped in fear.

Every damn day I wake up knowing time is ticking and the knock to MAKE MORE MONEY and FIND A PLACE YOU CAN AFFORD TO LIVE is growing louder. It’s enough to make a person go crazy. And let me tell you, I am fighting that one off with every ounce of strength I have within me (to go crazy and succumb to that toxic pressure). And today, there isn’t much strength left in me.

So I take 20 minutes or more doing my tapping, breathing, stretching, and reassuring myself with gentle self-talk.

But you know what?

NONE of this helps permanently shift my nervous system. NONE of it. It all comes right back. I’ve been doing all of these little practices – diligently – but I’m still inside this pressure cooker of “VICTORIA WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?”

My nervous system – my body – knows what I NEED in order TO.

It knows the truth – just as I do. The totality of who I AM knows.

And that truth is I need the OUTSIDE – I need this fucking reality to shift and change so that it operates in a way that is SUPPORTIVE of my needs.

We all do.

Some are more resilient. Some haven’t lost their jobs. Or homes. Some have more support networks. Some have good family connections. All of this makes fucking HUGE difference in the nervous system. It is basic NeuroScience.

If you’ve been lost under the illusion spells of new age bullshit that says the outside has no influence, you need to hear this: You have the same needs. And it’s ok to own it. Hell, claim it. SPEAK IT into existence.

WE COMMAND A NEW REALITY.

ENVIRONMENT (OUTSIDE) IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS WHO WE ARE INSIDE. The two are SYMBIOTIC. P E R I O D.

WE COMMAND A REALITY WHERE ALL THAT WAS STOLEN IS RETURNED IN FULL N O W. IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT.

WE COMMAND FULL TRUTH BE PRESENTED NOW.

WE COMMAND A REALITY THAT SUPPORTS OUR BASIC SURVIVAL NEEDS.

WE TAKE BACK OUR POWER INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR SOME “HERO” ON STAGE TO GIVE IT BACK.

You do not WAIT for what is YOURS to be returned from someone else – YOU TAKE IT BACK.

My nervous system needs SAFETY. CONNECTION. I need to feel SAFE, and for me to feel SAFE, I need to be in an environment that is SAFE. Predictable. Secure. Doable. Affordable. WE ALL DO.

This is basic 101 “what do humans need” psychology. Neuroscience.

I need an environment where I am not pressured into becoming a different person, or where I am not told what to do or where I am not asked what my “plan” is. It was a hell of a lot easier to start over 10, 20 years ago. More jobs. More human connections. And housing and food prices that were still more or less doable for most.

What I am facing today is unbelievable pressure to exist in a reality that has literally said, “We are too expensive for you”. No amount of self-help books or tapping will shift that. And I have tried. OMG the hours I have logged visualising a new home that is affordable and doable – how many hours I have FELT that – called it in. The support network I have around me – that is HUGE – consistent support – the literal hand holding I need now to take new steps if – when – they appear. The love I have called in. And yet here I am – more isolated than ever, with a nervous system that is so scattered and frozen at the same time – opening up to anyone new freezes me up. I don’t want to say “Hi, I’m Victoria – I’m a basket case ATM – nice to meet you” – but I also don’t want to misrepresent myself either because unless someone gets it – sees where I am – there will be no authentic connection.

And authenticity is the only way forward for me.

How do we do that when so many are in similar situations? What do we do? What do we do when we need help but are not able to provide that help for another? Why do I continue to talk about these topics when clearly most of humanity is not interested in remembering who we are and healing and connecting together?

I don’t know. And that feeling of loneliness is crushing my Soul. Perhaps at the end, this is the Truman Show – with 1 Real Soul per 1 million “others” – and God help us as we rescue ourselves. Something I find appallingly sick and evil. That would be the plan of Satan – nothing benevolent about it.

I wonder – did Jesus talk about this nervous system thing? Did he talk about that entire hidden world within us that carries the emotions and traumas? Did he talk about what is needed to heal from all of that? Did he talk about the importance of the environment? The whole “OUT THERE” piece?

Maybe that’s my role now. I know this – when someone reaches out to me – makes the attempt to connect with me – and lets me know and feel I am seen and supported – where most especially, MOST ESPECIALLY – I am asked what I NEED – my nervous system shifts. Relaxes. Cautiously allows the room and space I need to take a step forward.

THAT. Yes, THAT – is indeed what. I. Need.

And that starts with putting an end to gaslighting by people who have NO FUCKING CLUE what it is like to be forced into survival mode every. fucking. day. Oh, no – no ma’am – those pushing that toxic shit are the ones who should be in panic – of those of us who are DONE with their games and systems that put us into these Dysregulated states to begin with.

Because a power rises once you SEE the bullshit. And I will continue to use my VOICE as long as I am here and as long as this old, toxic system continues to think it can push me around.

💖

Victoria

VENMO: @VT6610

CASHAPP: $VictoriaT1144

ZELLE: themamatrinity@gmail.com

It’s 2 am, the fear is gone.

Twilight zone.

Easy to think the rest of the world stops when it’s 2 am in your little space of the realm.

The 10km tells me it’s a WH operation. Tsunami warning issued. It could also be an attack on Japan, given their buying up of US Treasury Bonds. 🙏

This impinging energy is intense atm. Our skies have been saturated with trails. I’ve been doing detox protocols this week. I simply don’t know how to keep up with such things. I’m thankful for the block buttons, too. The more I share about PTSD, trauma, healing, and the Nervous system, which clearly the Trump Administration knows little to nothing about, given what was put forth today, the more ugly I receive, including an image of a shotgun pointed my way in the way of a meme. That was a first and was reported.

We can do better. Right now, it seems we’re all so isolated – so exhausted from the hustle of this ridiculous reality/game – and with the convid job came additional programming to fear one another along with the political divide – both of which remain locked in place – STILL – we forgot how to truly connect. To hold space. I used to be quite good at this – it came naturally to me. But today? Today, I admit it is I who needs that space to be held.

This first share – I’m in the thick of this. I’m reacting in ways I never would have done in the past – not unless pushed in an over-the-top manner – which was when I look back me reacting to being abused. I recall the first time I really “lost it” – I was around 20. My father was showing slides of previous family road trips to my boyfriend at the time. Up came a slide – and again this was being displayed on a big screen, so the image was huge. It was me – 15 years old – close up – scowling as the sun was in my eyes – pimples on my face. It was not attractive. Anyway, my father left it up and began laughing and pointing. He wouldn’t stop. I asked him to stop and move on to the next slide. Only he wouldn’t. He kept it up and watched me slowly melt down to tears until, suddenly, I lost control and began screaming to stop. STOP STOP STOP. My boyfriend was in the room. My mother was in the room. Both were watching this play out, looking very uncomfortable, saying nothing to my father. Neither of them protected me nor showed up for me. So I had to do it for myself – as was always the case and still is to this day. And when I did, I got told to “calm down” by my mother, my boyfriend, while my dad remained in the room laughing at the whole thing, including my reaction.

I know how to hold space for myself. I know how to have my own back. And yet – I’m quite done with that loneliness. It sucks. I hold deep appreciation for the words below and the truth they hold for my heart and Soul.

💖

Victoria

The comments in this one are enlightening – most from women who are applauding – and some insightful words from the men as well.

David Bedrick

·When “Not All Men” Becomes the Problem
Women are posting about the CNN reporting of the rape cite. Some women are saying, men are violent, men slam doors and want to slam women. Men are misogynistic.
And the responses come.
Here is a sampling — from men and women both:

• “It hurts when women won’t say ‘not all men’ — because it’s true, and it can coexist with ‘most men,’” said one man.
• “I slam doors to discharge energy, not to threaten. I was dysregulated, nervous system fried. I’m not proud of it but it was never a threat,” said another man.
• “Underneath men’s violence toward women is how hard they want to hit themselves — it’s self-directed shame displaced outward,” said one woman.|
• “Some men were raised being hit and are trying to move that energy somewhere other than another person,” said another woman.
  Each response, in its own way, moves the conversation away from the woman — and toward the man or men.
  Some of these came from men. Many came from women. Both groups so practiced at cushioning, contextualizing, and protecting that it happens without thinking.
  It feels like fairness. It feels like sophistication. It feels like the reasonable thing to do.
  That feeling IS the training.
  When a woman says men — when she speaks from the accumulated weight of years, decades, centuries of experience — she is not making a statistical claim requiring a fact-checker.
  She is speaking an experiential truth. A psychic truth. A truth that HAS NOT BEEN HEARD.
  The kind of truth that doesn’t arrive with footnotes because it arrived through the body, through fear, through anger’s clarity, through a lifetime of reading rooms and reading men and knowing what a slammed door means even when the man insists it means nothing.
  To respond with ‘but not all men’ is to insist that her experiential truth be corrected into a more accurate statistical claim before it can be heard.
  And here is what I want to say clearly: the correcting, the contextualizing, the “actually it’s more nuanced than that” — that IS the power dynamic. Not a comment about the dynamic.
  The person who gets to slow a conversation down, shift its focus, require consideration, demand precision IS exercising power in a way that is complicit in the violence being discussed.
  The person who has to stop and justify why she spoke her truth in her way has already been moved off her ground.
  Ps- check first comment for longer piece on Substack.

It’s still a dangerous world out there to speak such thoughts. I’m sure it will be more respected coming from a man. When it comes from women, we are not taken as seriously – certainly, we are told to stop being so emotional or sensitive. And I will say this with absolute certainty: When I am in the presence of safety and when I know I am being seen and heard – I soften. I shift. My nervous system relaxes. And I am open to receiving new input. That said – anyone want to go into biz with me and open up a rage room for women? It’s collective and we need a safe place in which to release because sitting alone at the park in a car just ain’t cutting it.

Not yet verified. But could be true. BTW – that “verse” he is going to read from is about the temple of Solomon, king of israel at the time, showing his devotion to moloch, using the temple for sacrifice. Sick sick sick.

Not much of a fan but she’s right:

Today – earlier – from another Oregonian. The skies are horrid here now. I’m exhausted from intending a different sky.

Sounds good:

More proof we do not need hallucinogens. We need REAL cures – not band-aid pills. The only way I can think this could be useful is for someone so drugged out on things like fentanyl that they need SOMETHING to bring them down to a space where they can be truly engaged in healing.

Life review sounds very reincarnation/meet with the “angels/guides” matrix program. If this is going to be how it is, let’s put the controllers on this substance – let them see how their actions created most of our struggles and suffering.

And with all that said:

I had a phone call with an agency – one I absolutely did not want to participate in, as I made the promise to myself last year that last year’s call was the LAST TIME I was going to have to or need to do such a call. I felt it in my body, sealed it up, and let it go. Today, doing the call – talk about “blocks”. First, the call comes through several hours early. Woops, made a mistake, call again at the appointed time. The call comes in, but only my phone doesn’t ring it through. Third time was the “charm” for the call came in minutes later. It turned out to be a pleasant phone call tbh. Talkative, personable human on the other end. At the very end, though, as I am thinking again how much I did not want to have to be in that $$ situation to have to do such a call, the phone blanks out. Empty space. A few minutes later, I received another call from a different number. “I’m sorry about that,” the employee said, “the entire office’s systems just went dark. No phones. No computers. Nothing. It’s really strange.”

Did I do that? I wondered, kind of giggling.

💖

Victoria