U G H!
PLEASE just let me f’ing SLEEP. Waking up pounding the bed and scratching myself because I am so frustrated. Again. Haul myself out of bed – again – and do yet another round of yoga like I did to get myself TO sleep.
I cannot hear “you are detoxing” – “you are ascending”. Uh, N O and N O!
I am under psychological attack. And feeling like I am being smothered – something trying to “drown” me – impinge me – I feeeeeeeeeel it around me – refusing to allow me to break free – blocking all attempts to create something truly NEW.
Now the car has a f’ing leak – door seals. We’ve had almost 2 feet of rain since October. As I’ve said the last two months – we’re either in rain or fog – seeing very little of the sun. Just typing this up makes me itch. Anyway, we haven’t been able to fix it because we need dry weather to do so. I’m at the point of saying fuch it – wrap the damn door in weatherproofing tape and just live with it. I already bought us a wet/dry vac so when we do have a break for a small period of time, we suck up the water.
I had another experience last night where I applied for a gig – earn some extra cash because no one seems to be hiring or interested in my skills. Recommended site that I got through a WAH newsletter for women. It looked good – and I was feeling good about it. I filled out my profile, etc. – then when I was all set to go, they ask for my f’ing POOH PAL information and unless I gave them my POOH PAL information they could not match me up with gigs. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sat here – fuming – and just let out one loud scream. Nowhere in her article on this did she mention they require paypal – and this is something she does – tells you what form of payment these places take. So when I see pooh pal, I move on.
I also have about $100 in Microsoft Rewards – just sitting there – because I don’t have a poohpal account – one that isn’t frozen. I tried to speak with their customer service – and they all say the same thing: “That doesn’t make sense. Email them. Call them. Make another one.” I say – again – “I HAVE emailed. They don’t respond back. I have tried to call them and they BLOCK ME. I am not ALLOWED to make another account because THEY RECOGNIZE MY BANK ACCOUNT AND SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS.” OMG.
😡😡😡😠😠😠
Everyone has a limit – I don’t care who you are. And I have definitely reached mine. I feel I am breaking down. I feel desperate. I feel trapped in a corner. I tell myself otherwise with my ongoing scripting – and yet I also know – “I HAVE SAID THAT ENOUGH!” Ya know? And the big one: Hearing my girl say what she wants and I cannot give her that – while I reach out and share my story, ask for what I NEED, share my heart month after month omg ENOUGH already!! to be met with unwanted advice or silence (what the fuch ever happened to this uniting/awakening?!?!?!) once too often – is making me f’ing loco. And itch all over. And want to jump out of my skin and/or rip off my clothes in shreds and go Hulk. Hey World – want to know why people fall through the cracks and lose their minds? It’s because they’ve had their heart broken too many times – been gaslit, abandoned one too many times, abused too long, discounted, ignored.
While I REFUSE to give up – because deep deep within is a fire still burning just a wee bit now – I truly want to collapse into exhaustion and just be taken care of for awhile until I can burn bright again.
Anyone wanting to send protective energy and hold the visions of what I have been trying to create for myself – please – I ask you to do so.
TY.
💖
Victoria
