i am feeling a deep void – a growing feeling that really blasted through for me tonight. as i reflected in a recent piece, i don’t belong here. i don’t say that as a way of saying i am better than another who feels a sense of belonging here and i don’t say it seeking sympathy (understanding and acceptance are of course wonderful gifts). i say that as my truth – a truth i have carried with me for as long as i can remember – all the way back to young childhood when i remember laying in the grass in my parents backyard, looking up into the sky and wondering why i was here – why i was “dropped off” and when my real family was coming to get me. i tried to over-rule those words by telling myself my parents were my real family. those attempts did not soothe me.
and since that first moment of “awakening”, any and all attempts to convince myself otherwise have been met without success so i no longer try to convince myself of another feeling. even forming new thoughts in the mind does not change that deep inner knowing. absolute Truth cannot be changed with human-created attempts.
i watched Trump’s rally tonight. as i have felt watching most of his rallies (which are not many i admit) – i continue to feel the experience he is setting up is not for me. i see the purpose – but have no connection to it. i watched the entire speech but felt nothing. while i post stuff about the MAGA movement, overall it doesn’t align w/me – not deeply – and not for long. now and then yes – i feel a rush – but then return to that same inner “void” within.
and that is a very lonely feeling at times. tonight it was huge and palpable. i dove in – felt it – cried the tears – and it is still there. this heavy feeling around my core – my center – my heart. crying brings me to a state of resignation – acceptance (acceptance does not imply i like the experience of feeling out of place – not one bit – to say i am desperate for real connection and real creating is an understatement at this point). once i hit that place of acceptance, then i find the ability to “hang in there” and keep going.
so this void. what do i do now? next? i feel the human me’s ability to create not just something new but really meaningful is dried up – at the moment. i cannot begin to describe the fatigue i feel not just within but within my mind as well. exercise offers a temporary relief. supplements, right eating – same result. even talk therapy and counseling – all temporary.
and that is what the experience is here – a temporary one. so i do as i said above – the best i can – knowing there will come a moment when my FULL ability to truly really fully create the reality i desire for myself (in here and OUT there) will be possible once again.
love,
victoria
