my mate had another doctor visit today – G.I. doc/surgeon.  he is going to undergo another colonoscopy and the doc says he may have to do emergency surgery depending upon what he finds.  he also found a swollen lymph node and two other tumors –  one he feels is benign – the other he isn’t sure.

this has been a 20 year journey with the root cause being advanced lyme disease – one of the many bioweapons the elites have created to serve their masters.  and who knows what else is behind his health issues at this point given decades of living in a realm of chemtrailing and other toxic invaders. he is exhausted.  i am exhausted.  both of us traumatized severely.  upon hearing all of this i began to shake and my mind shut down.  my heart shut down.  “god does not give you more than you can handle….” another nonsense, cruel mind program.

this realm has been slowly attempting to destroy us both.  i was already exhausted dealing with pay to live and schooling our girl plus putting off my own healing needs due to either not being able to find someone who is accepting clients to lacking the financial means to pay.

I.  AM.  TAPPED. OUT.  SPENT.

and yet these things must be done.  this procedure and whatever else may follow.  it’s all we have – that insurance will cover.  due to our financial situation we are in a box as to the kind of treatment we can give my husband.  the rage that brings up in me…..

there is tech in the works that heals all disease and i plan to be a very loud squeaky wheel on this one at this point.  i have some people i can contact and i will plead and hound if i need to to get him the help he deserves.  REAL healing.  the days of “waiting until…” are O V E R for me and my family.

sometimes life just becomes too much – too overwhelming – too painful – and far too lonely.  i’m waiving a white flag today.

love,

victoria

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On this 17th day ~ which I decided last night is “Q” (Quantum) Day ~ and how this is about honoring my Inner Q/Quantum.  As I said – this began last night with “finding my way back”….for the experience began with another round of huge heart-based tears – the kind that cannot be held back no matter what the human does.  I have been pouring those outta me a lot lately.

The Gordon Lightfoot song, “If You Could Read My Mind”, has been in my heart and mind for about 48 hours.  Last night I felt the words and heard the tune throughout my entire Being.  I was overcome with the desire to be Free – to be like-a-child again.  I wanted the fear, the apathy and depression removed from my thought patterns and behavior and experiences.  The words ran through my mind repeatedly:  “I don’t know where I went wrong but the feeling’s gone and I just can’t get it back.”  My heart succumbed to the emotions – seeing my pattern of how I was and what I became in this realm.  Disappointment in myself for allowing myself to close up my heart. The times I have been fake – pretended to be tough.  Pretended I didn’t care.  Pretended this or that didn’t phase me/hurt me.

The times I have surrendered and sank low – giving up for a time.

The heaviness of “adulting” was big last night.  

The trauma’s of the world.

That was all in my space yesterday….

I had a beautiful conversation/experience with a friend yesterday.  Real connecting.  I LOVE those experiences the best – always have!  She was sharing her pain at the loss of her beautiful pet – her companion.  She was/is such a sweet Soul – I fell in love with her too.  And she died far too soon.

What is the lesson?   I don’t see it, she wondered.  She cried.  I cried.  I had to speak.  “There are no lessons.  That’s the lie here.  Look at this realm.  Look how toxic it is to all Life.  We were never originally designed and lovingly created to decay as we do so quickly here.  They mess with our bodies here – poisons and trauma’s and so when one gets ill or suffers they fill our heads with another program they created – “find the lesson”.  You and only you are responsible for your loss, for your suffering.”

I could see I was touching a truth within that she too felt the same way but perhaps was not able – maybe never been allowed or felt comfortable enough to acknowledge.

I’ve been there myself – many times.  It has taken me until this very DAY – a continuing expansion – to feel comfortable enough sharing my Truth – especially those that aren’t mainstream – IN the mainstream and in the alt communities.

And so I may get down – way down – but I always get back up.  The eternal Flame within has never gone out.  And unlike the song, I KNOW how to get that feeling back.  I FEEEL into Me – and I find Her/Me – always there – never leaving – just got sidetracked in a realm of yuck….

And on this Quantum Day, we hold in our hearts and our minds a new experience.

A new road.

A new train.

Home.

Q-out.

Love,

Victoria

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