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i am very tired today – emotionally tired.  i feel and see many things around me crumbling ~ much like an old shoe that is familiar but no longer fits.  i have been allowing for so long.  the longing for new and change is always present.

so i stay the course?  do i stay in this house – the same house i have seen myself in after all transitions?

is this transitioning happening?  is there really change in the air?

i’ve been speaking about these topics for so long – the political chaos and alleged changes (arrests, new systems, etc. etc.) as well as the event….  i have spilled my heart to many in my life – and now i feel i am beginning to look like a damn fool.  the woman who cried wolf.  after awhile…..

i can accept maybe i have been played – royally.  if so, then what?

i need to carve a new way for myself.  think about this logically.  whenever i follow my heart about “oh what would bring me joy??” –  let’s just say that has not worked out for me professionally.  AT ALL.  of course when i did the system thing – the work for a living – get a job working for another – i was forced out of that as well.  in 2002 a friend said “you need to think outside the box.  new ways of being and living are coming.”

so i did.  and while i was able to get by, i hardly thrived.  i write.  i play the piano.  that is what i do.  (i COULD fly if i had access to those abilities – ha) and both of those industries, to thrive, to do well, you gotta sell out – and you also gotta have good connections.  i was never willing to sell out and i also have no connections in either industry.  i still tried my own way though and experienced the same result – the never ending closed door.

as i lamented to my mate today – trying not to whine but instead coming from a place of pure heart that is in a lot of pain over this ongoing experience to “make it out there” – where do i fit in?  what am i really here to do?  what the fuck am i even doing here?

where do i fit in?

where do i fit in?

my desire to talk about all that i see – certainly all that i want to see going on with those around me has waned.  i kinda don’t care so much right now.  maybe it’s time to drop all of th “conspiratorial” stuff and try the practical way of living again.  go by what i can see and touch and put the rest aside. many in my life would love to see me do that.  be the fake version of me again.

and yet i don’t do fake.  so perhaps balance is in store now.  keep on being me – yet do some rethinking and focus on where i am NOW – not on where i wish i were or want to be.

the longing for home…..perhaps it is time to just hang that one up.  i know we’re not alone.  but until i have a fucking conversation in fucking person with one of these twats, i am rather done giving them any sort of my energy.

where are these arrests?  people keep suffering – harm being done to innocent people – and yet the perps keep walking the street.  damn – someone shows up in public high on meth and they get arrested.  sacrifice a child?  broadcast it and walk free.  NONE of this sits well with me and NONE of it makes any sense.  trust the plan.  i don’t blindly trust anything or anyone.  when i have a question i expect an answer – especially by one saying “trust us”.

maybe this is just all old programming being called up so i can dismiss it for good.  i thought back to the dream i had the other night where i saw myself lying on a table.  i had the thought today to go back to that dream state experience, walk over to that person and yell “WAKE UP NOW!”  perhaps there is more to that experience than i felt at the time.

just as perhaps there is more to the experiences out there as well.

on i go…

love,

victoria

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