perhaps a more appropriate title would have been “seriously ~ WHAT is happening to me” but given i continue to keep my focus on “staying the course” no matter how out there the course is, that is the title being used today.
this burping stuff is insane! my child continues to have the same experience as well. doesn’t matter what we eat. i have some aloe vera juice i am using to soothe.
i was suddenly wide awake at 4am – stayed in bed until 5 – got up – looked outside and watched the sky for while. it was daylight when i finally fell back asleep and slept in fits. feeling like a slug today. this vessel feels very heavy ~ gravity feels like it is pulling me down. i did some exercise with my band (exercise band ~ not the musical type ~ ha). i thought that would get some energy going on my body. nope. made me even more tired. body screamed STOP GO CRASH. so i flopped onto the couch for a few.
when i woke up today, my mood was rather low. i have days where the fatigue within and the longing in my heart just overtakes me and i wish for a moment or two that i could be back to where i was 20-25 years ago. fully engaged in the world, delightfully ignorant to how things “really are”. the clouds were clouds – just kinda weird looking. vaccines were good. i could trust medical doctors. i could trust our government and the news media people ~ they did have good intentions for us. friends and family ~ always there for you. and the solid belief that college degree i worked so hard for was gonna pay off big time and the working corporate world would embrace my enthusiasm and ideas of new and expansive.
ever feel like you have been bitch slapped by the world for just too #&*! long?
yeah, me too.
anyway so i was having one of those moments earlier upon rising. i walked outside and notice the haze from the fires out west, filtering into our area of the country. THAT is what is real, i thought. focus on THAT. these “forest fires” and who is creating them. stop focusing on what you desire ~ on what you cannot yet see. that isn’t getting you ANYWHERE. get real and stop being a blind fool. the thought “maybe i am being played by ALL of it” came over me. a 25 year journey ~ an entire lie. a lie within a lie.
so i came inside and sat down. pondered this. ok then let’s think about my favorite topic: money. what else now can i share with the world to make that shit? lol aside from drug dealing and prostituting (joking of course), what else is there new for me TO try?
blank. my mind was blank as it has been for quite some time on doing something new/different “out there”. this feeling of stuck and stagnant has to go. i won’t have it. it’s a seriously outgrown, too tight, too suffocating coat i remove and toss into the incinerator.
and yet here i am. i am supposed to be the great creator who can figure this all out on my own. and i have done quite well in doing that for most of my life. i figure something out. some doors open. and in flows something new.
now? wow – nothing new is flowing in. NOTHING.
so here i am in this quandary ~ do i remain the course and have faith in what i have felt for so many years or do i get real again (whatever that means, to be honest and is it even possible for me to engage in that mindset now) and dig for something NEW out there in this realm/system as it is now?
so i go to my email box and one of you had forwarded me a message. i’ll just cut and paste it:
