In my email box this morning was a link to a chat going on through Quora talking about INFJ’s. Meyers-Briggs personality test that includes a variety of personality types, INFJ’s being the rarest. As a fellow INFJ’er – going back to the time I first took the full-length test back in the early 90’s – I was curious to read other people’s perceptions. Words used to describe this type by others in the chat:
Unusual.
Cool.
In tune with God.
Truthseeker.
That last one stayed with my body, who had some words to say.
It has not felt safe for me to tell the truth.
Going way back to when I was small, to tell the truth often meant going against tradition, be it with family, peers (rather done using the term friend for those who don’t stick around – peers come and go – friends stay with us), school, church. And my experience was when I did that, I’d get in trouble. Yelled at. Criticized. Bullied/teased. “Always sticking her foot in her mouth” is still an old childhood little wound put there by a family member who was addicted to the status quo.
These experiences continued on into present time. I know who wants to keep me in line. I know when someone is playing passive aggressive games with me. I know that when I disagree with someone and present a different perspective and they change the subject, the connection has been severed, and I move on. I am not here to keep anyone comfortable and under the illusion of being safe.
I am here to be ME.
To break those spells.
Not to go along with them.
That is simply not who I am.
Obviously.
But I went along with it anyway for it felt SAFER to my body to do so.
At least that part that of my nervous system whose focus is to keep me alive.
But sometimes being “alive” in that way doesn’t indicate WELL.
REALLY alive.
For to be REALLY alive IS to tell your own truth.
To speak out when that inner feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeler says to do so – when it says, “this isn’t right”.
Even if you’re shaking.
Even if your nervous system is saying “uh NOO DO NOT SAY THAT TOO SCARY SCARY”.
Part of this Awakening is seeing not just the lies and deception of this place, but to see all of the lies I told myself.
Those many times I deceived myself.
The lies spoken to keep the peace. “It’s ok. I’m fine. I’m sorry.”
The times I refused to look at myself in the mirror, not wanting to see I just betrayed myself.
Again.
Even to this day when I do my work here, sometimes I hesitate to say something because of fear. Fear of losing readers. Fear that the matrix will come with its b.s. Fear that even as I SAY that last part, people will think “ok she’s crazy.”
It’s happened.
But I know the journey to healing begins by telling the truth. MY truth.
And as an INJR’s – as a sensitive type (HSP) – it is in my code – my DNA – my energetic imprint of WHO I AM to tell the truth. That voice comes from deep within and nudges me to SEE. To QUESTION. To SPEAK and SHARE. And it is in that energetic code within to SEE things others don’t. Sense. Smell even. There are many hidden dimensions around us here. Some of us are better able to sense them is all.
If we are to TRULY have an organic experience of awakening here, it starts with each of us carrying that TRUTH code – that truth ENERGY – with us. Every day. All the time. With confidence. With KNOWING.
Be true to thyself is far deeper in its energetic truth than just some fancy words put on a bumper sticker.
Spoken and shared with true intention, which at least for me, requires me to step back from that initial nudge to share/speak, go within and bring my body and nervous system along. To build that sense of Safety again – to change the definition of what Safety REALLY is – to remember I AM GOD SOURCE EMBODIED. Words cannot define it – it’s a feeeeeeeeeeel.
A knowing.
Ancient.
Eternal.
Again – no words.
Just a knowing – which requires no words to understand.
💖
Victoria
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