Checking in

I wonder what the record is for mental dog paddling.

I am not sleeping deep enough or long enough.

I don’t know how many come around here these days.  I have asked for people to check in with me.  How many will read this and not ask?  Is this too much of me to ask for?  I know I have fallen behind in asking others how they are – that doesn’t indicate I don’t care – it’s simply an indication that I am the one needing the care these days.  My brain is scattered and all I want to do now is sleep.

I took an assessment test yesterday – finally – after asking for the link for over 2 months.  Job related.  The results?

Writer.  Blogger.  Content creator.

What. i. already. have. been. doing.

And love – don’t get me wrong – but it is not paying me enough.  It should have by now.  Which is why I consistently ask for promotional help as I know I have the gift and talent to make a good living at it.  I’ve been reaching out to bigger channels in recent weeks asking for some help – not hearing a thing in return.  I could ask private people on the myriad of freelance sites – for some reason my brain won’t let me go there.  Something for me to see with different eyes and resolve.

My mental state is not good atm – I know what I need – REST and lots of it.

But I can’t afford that as I have a housing crisis looming over my head and a child to think of.  And even when I sleep, I wake up, unable to turn off my brain for a good duration of time no matter what I do.

To be honest – I’m scared.  I see myself where I am.  I know I need to meet myself where I am – but I simply have to keep pushing.  I can’t give up.  I have to keep hammering away with the phone calls to these agencies – and find SOMETHING I can do – cognitively – to bring in more money.  Pick a damn course to study in a field that is “hot” (that is not AI – I refuse to give in to that).

I see things this morning like this new bill created by the T Administration that, in part, targets people like me – saying I need to work or volunteer X amount of hours per week in order to receive $$ help.  Which I am willing to do.  Which I have been willing to do.  Actually I already DO work that x number of hours – just need the “more income” part.  This reality doesn’t seem to want what I have to offer.  Not in a way that brings me the income I need.  And it pains me.

And it angers me – to see others who still have so much – those who are making laws and rules that affect MY LIFE who haven’t a CLUE what it’s like to battle PTSD and agoraphobia – who haven’t a CLUE what it’s like to be in fear of being homeless with a child – who haven’t a CLUE what it’s like to be female and a mom and to be the only one advocating on your behalf – to feel that sense of failure seeing another phone call or idea fall flat – and then to be told I have the power to change my life all on my own.

When someone is drowning you don’t tell them to try harder or learn to swim WHILE drowning – you f’ing jump in and pull them out let them catch their breath – regroup – THEN they can learn to swim.

Does that make sense?

Well, it does to me.  It does to my heart.

I have ideas.  Business ideas.  People griping about AI taking over, when I HAVE IDEAS to bring back things that are pure again.

Housing ideas to help women like me.

A return of local newspapers – print.

And it all requires MONEY.

You know?

I cannot be the only one who sees how MONEY is THE TOOL here to get things done.

MONEY can be the miracle someone needs in order TO change her life.

And visibility too.  You need to be SEEN by others in order to pave the way for change.  For new.

So, while I am still around, I will NOT be silent.  I WILL put my heart and soul out into the world.  And if at the end of it all I am alone, so be it.  At least I know I was true to myself.

💖

Victoria

Author: Victoria1111

Truthseeker. Philosopher. Commander of Freedom. Writer. Musician. Composer. Above all I Am A Creator. View all posts by Victoria1111