I was going to do a video on this, but I’m a wreck atm and not really into letting the world see me this way. So a typed version it is.
I woke up this morning hearing that song, “Love is in the air”. A nice message to receive, considering most mornings I wake up burned out, feeling as though I received absolutely no rest, waking up in a state of terror, wondering how the hell I am going to get myself out of my current situation.
I get online, and the first thing I see is a video from citizen journalist Kevin Dalgren. He’s filming outside of a tunnel that looks to be under an overpass or similar. Inside that dark hole, you can hear the cries and rages of a man who lives there and has for years. It was horrifying to hear.
But I get it.
I wonder how many other people do, though. Or take the time TO “get it”.
That guy didn’t just crawl on there on a whim. He didn’t just go from being functional and healthy to living in a damn concrete tunnel overnight.
He likely got there like so many other souls – years of neglect. Agencies incapable or unwilling to help. Tons of trauma carried in the body, not dealt with properly. Probably passed around from person to person, with very few, if any actually capable of looking him in the eyes and seeing the pain and potential.
And this is the reality for millions.
Fucking MILLIONS.
How many times did he ask for help?
How many in his life just watched him suffer and fade away?
I know for me personally, I have hit the limit on being told “I will be there for you” and not. receiving. that. I literally cannot take one. more. disappointment. I would almost kill for someone I know in my physical proximity show up with a hug. And just f’ing hold me and tell me I will be ok – we will figure out a way.
Here in America, today, the parasites in Congress, in yet another White Hat move, have passed a budget to keep this criminal government going. And guess what was included in that budget? BILLIONS for Israel. BILLIONS for refugees and immigrants.
That last part triggered me. BIG. TIME. Movie or not. I don’t care. I f’ing lost it.
This movie isn’t funny for me these days.
Not when it is INTENTIONALLY causing me and my daughter harm.
For you see, if mom is not well supported and loved, the child will struggle as well.
And this movie and these white hat military people are ALLOWING people not from my country to continue to come here and take resources that people like I NEED.
Not just want – but fucking NEED.
Me and countless others.
But I am focused on myself right now, as that is all the energy I have left TO focus on. I tried telling that to a certain other person today, and it was implied that I was selfish. You know the old “you’re not the only one I hate to tell you that” as though I’m not seeing. OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THIS.
Why do people do this?
It’s insulting. It’s painful. And it’s toxic as fuch.
A person can only go so long in the situation I am in and be told “no” so many times before they break down.
And that is exactly what is happening to me.
Nothing I do is providing me the lasting comfort I need. Last night it was picking up a 4 pack of homemade cookies from the local cooperative, sitting in a park, crying and eating two of them. Very temporary relief – if you can call it relief.
I NEED HELP AND I NEED. IT. NOW.
Is anyone coming here reading my words or am I just crying into an empty room?
Why can’t everyone who comes here show you care even a little bit about me – or wait – forget caring about me – care about my daughter – share my work!
Contribute $5/month.
Tell my story.
(clearly this is not a message to those of you who do support my work)
Jesus people – if I end up living out in the streets, I won’t make it. I have too much trauma in me already I am trying to release with a counselor who misses 1/4 of our sessions and who I have YET to get her to listen to me when I say “My mind wanders and I lose focus. I need YOU to help me stick to the plan of treatment.” Ok, she says, but has failed. Finding a new person who takes my insurance and is taking clients has been a nightmare search. I am screaming for my right to survive at this point. I’d like to thrive as that is my right – but at this point, it’s just about surviving.
Don’t let me become like that man inside the tunnel.
🙏
Victoria
