5.29.26

3 offers of $support all month.

no comments.

i am hurting so much from the silence.

i do not have it in me now to reach out and ask for help. Love. Support. I need that coming to me. Without asking for it now. To know I matter.

i feel i just did not matter enough.

i do not know how to rebuild myself alone. I am deeply wired for connection. I have come to see not all are like that.

but i am.

and my experience here is this crushing loneliness. My child thinks i am a crazy freak for the world i want. This “plan” or whatever the f*** it is that I have given my heart and soul to for so many years is all but ruined not only my life but hers. Allowing Basics such as housing and food to become completely out of reach for someone like me who has been trying to rebuild her life without the help I need and to be abandoned in the way that I have been and to be ghosted and judged by people who are supposed to be my friends? And family. It all has put me to where I am today. Numb. Alone. Devastated heartbroken hiding under the goddamn f****** covers like I’m 5 years old because I got nothing else to cling to now.

You know it hurts almost as much? I started this website 10 years ago because I knew it was what I was supposed to do. I felt it in my body that my work was going to make a difference. I envisioned all the people who would come here and help me build a community . I Envision people connecting not only just with me but with one another . Along the way I have asked countless people to help me by promoting my work. I’ve even offered to pay people and all of that has gone absolutely f****** nowhere and I am without a clue as to why other than I am absolutely invisible here . And I questioned every day what the f*** I’m doing here now . I tried to build community and absolutely failed. Here and in my daily life.

mentally I am not doing well and I don’t know what to do about that anymore. Without other people you don’t heal