I’m still in bed.
It’s 1pm – and I am still in bed because I stay up so late night these days.
I stay up as late as I do because it is the only time I find peace.
The only time I feel like myself.
Yesterday was that stupid bowl game that millions still watched. I saw it in my own neighborhood, people watching their televisions, getting further mind-controlled by a system designed to distract us from what’s important, with mindless sporting events controlled by corrupt entities who use male bodies to toss around a ball, these bodies GROSSLY overpaid ridiculous amounts of worthless fiat paper, all in the name of entertainment.
The right chanted, “We refused to watch bad bunny. Instead, we watched Kid Rock and Turning Point”. (and see how f’d up this reality is? the words ‘bad bunny’ are in RED because the system knows who this entity is and, as such, wants me to capitalize both words. if that ain’t proof of where we are….) Here’s proof w/a screenshot:
The left chanted, “We LOVE bad bunny. Fuch Turning Point and maga.” (interesting to note maga in lower case has NO red underlines to prompt all caps.
Both sides are still controlled by this matrix.
Refusing to see the evil behind the narrative of division.
Is ra el at the wheels of control.
Which is still just another label. But a useful one perhaps to guide more to SEE.
If humanity can unite behind some clownworld football game, why can’t we do the same for people in need?
Are the homeless less important?
Are causes no longer a thing?
Are people in need no longer worth fighting for? Helping? Because I sure as hell am not feeling that I am not worth fighting for.
I recently switched my coffee page over to subscriber-only.
“Why can’t I read your work? Why do I have to pay for it?”
Because we’re in a pay-to-live system and as much as I loathe it, I still have to find SOME way to “earn my keep”. And two, it’s called an exchange. I provide a service you find useful. You provide me with something in exchange for it.
Why is it we can all watch men in tights toss around that football, even pay to do so, knowing those men are making millions, but we can scoff when someone like me says, “pay to read my material”?
The hypocrisy is SICKENING to my Soul at this point.
Read this today as well about money. SPOT ON:
PTSD and Money Struggles. When our nervous system is dysregulated, it negatively affects how we think, feel, and act.
A dysregulated nervous system makes it harder to focus, make plans, take risks, or stay consistent with long-term goals, which are important when it comes to building wealth.
Chronic stress and trauma can also make it tough to connect with others, and relationships are a big part of finding opportunities or support.
On top of that, living in poverty or dealing with financial stress can keep the nervous system stuck in survival mode, which makes everything harder.
Stress makes it hard to get ahead, and not getting ahead keeps the stress going. To break that cycle, wr have to tackle both the stress in our body and the bigger systems that make life harder for people in poverty.
I am not in poverty by choice. I could be out of it by now if I had the support I need and were receiving the equal exchange of energy so many talk of. I will say this – while it was challenging for me to reach out to all of those damn agencies – I STILL DID IT. And was totally dropped. Harmed. Ignored. NOT SEEN. That’s why I tell others if they can help someone to do so. But don’t toss them into the system, which is the same as tossing them to the wolves.
AM I ONE OF ONLY A FEW WHO SEE THINGS LIKE THIS??!!
Where are the real people?
Aside from the few of you who come here, I don’t know where they are.
Lost in the matrix.
For now, I am back at it again, trying to find another way to bring in money that doesn’t further drain me. Each avenue I explore with work I can do I am being told AI and automation are taking over those fields.
You know what GROK told me? WRITING is a field I should focus on due to AI and my skill set.
Writing.
I laughed – in a way, a bit hysterical – given that’s what I have tried to do for decades. Be a writer. Work for a newspaper. Sell my goods. My book(s) – working on #2.
I do not have much positive to share these days. The longer I am here, the more my Soul suffers. I read something today – so beautiful – about the term “Trauma dumping”. We label pain and suffering with such ugly labels. This does nothing to ease someone’s pain. It only serves to tell that person they are too much. Their pain is not valid. Their fault.
When someone says “you should regulate yourself first and then ask for support,” they demand a fantasy nervous system. Regulation comes from co-regulation first. Always. Tiny humans survive because someone else is with them. Adults do not magically outgrow that. We are shamed out of believing we deserve or need it.
What people call “trauma dumping” is often just a nervous system trying to offload allostatic load in a world that offers very few places where that is allowed. The real issue is not too much sharing, but too little relational capacity, time, and safety, and too much hierarchy.
Shaming “trauma dumping” is backwards culture logic. You need support when you are dysregulated because connection brings systems back toward homeostasis. That is how humans work.
See those words? Don’t they just FEEL right? I especially appreciate the words about tiny humans survive when someone is with them. We don’t just outgrow that need. That is not how our nervous systems operate.
There is but one and only one way a Human Soul thrives: In an environment that is loving. Supportive. And CONSISTENT. Where is this?
Anyone?
Because I have not yet been able to create this for myself in my life here. I speak with others far away – and this helps – but it isn’t enough. After losing people all because of Trump (and there was a lot who just “couldn’t be around” me anymore), I’ve tried to rebuild here and have failed epically. Then making a new decision to walk away from something I should have walked away from long ago, even more people go “poof”. But nothing new came in. Why? I don’t get it. I don’t get it at all. Even though I long for isolation, I believe the only reason I do is because of the pain of abuse, the disappointment and abandonment I have experienced along the way. Why do some seem to escape that? Why are some blessed with support and abundance?
I see people in my own family who are doing very well. Do I hear from them? Are they in my life? No and no. Doesn’t mean I didn’t try to build those relationships. Because I did. Just ended up I never mattered. You know you are invisible when family won’t share the work you do when you ask them to. Won’t share your story. Your situation. And it’s another slap in the face when one of these folks served time in jail for a violent offense and once out, received ongoing support, then admitting without that support, they would be homeless.
Without each other, we fucking drown.
Why can’t we just be there for one another? WHY?
Don’t ignore the pain of another because it’s “too” much. Maybe that person is at the end of their ability to cope, and you are their only lifeline.
🙏
Victoria
VENMO: @VT6610
CASHAPP: $VictoriaT1144
ZELLE: themamatrinity@gmail.com
