3.9.26 ~ Checking In

I reached out to a local non-profit about help with the electric bill and was told I am not desperate enough (as in no shut-off warning). 🙄

I have an appointment today – ROI (release of information) to see what can be done to assist me. Again. By another agency. Who is passing me off to the agency below:

Tomorrow I have an appointment to discuss getting on a wait list for help with job employment training.

I’m not sleeping. I was up until 5 am, afraid. Trying to just breathe and recenter. I’m depressed, dysregulated. I literally cannot take having to call one. more. place to ask for help. I noticed with today’s phone call – I’m a different person now. I talk like someone who is exhausted and has no “F’s” left to give – not at all like my usual pleasantness. At least being socially polite. Just not happening.

I am being told I live online. Perhaps that’s because the only options I see for myself are promoting myself, applying for work online, and looking for work via online platforms. I’m tired of the judgments. Just tired. I don’t know how to be up and positive for more than about 30 minutes – I’m protecting my heart diligently now to ensure not one more disappointment. I know I’m whining – a lot. I see it and I don’t like it much about myself – I feel embarrassed. But also accepting at the same time. It’s because of who I am and who I always have been. I’m sensitive. I long to belong. To fit in. I’ve always ALWAYS been on the outside, no matter how hard I’ve tried to find room here. I have such an overwhelming desire to know and to prove to myself that I can take care of myself – I can support myself financially. I have gifts to share – gifts I share freely – gifts I promote. I honestly suck at most everything else. Customer service and office-type jobs. Do NOT get me on the phone as a receptionist. After a couple of months, I started getting anxiety, then panic attacks. Every damn time. I love kids, but working with them always left me sick – a lot – missing work – and getting laid off even though I am so good with them. Well, I was. I’m older now. Patience thing just isn’t what it once was. 😅

I want to start something – an idea I’ve shared for so long – but damn – now is the time for it. Enough politics. Enough of the plan. Enough of Q and all of that. Not that there isn’t some plan – but we can help with it. How long have I said here that hundreds of people just donating $5/month as an exchange of monetary energy for the work I provide for free adds up? THIS.

THIS THIS THIS.

This concept is how we can help one another.

I’m broke as shit now, but even I can find $5 to help another person in need. I honestly don’t understand why so many of these big accounts in the CAF category don’t do a damn thing to help others. They don’t promote smaller accounts. I have reached out to many of them privately and asked if they would promote my channel as I have done with theirs on these pages many times. Not once have I heard back. But then again, I also feel that’s how I roll. Looking back, I was always the one in the crowd finding the lone Soul or, the dog or the elderly person I was drawn to. Solo traveller with a longing to connect. Trauma stuff.

I think about the only ones with hearts here are those who live it, understand it. Just wish one of us would come into a few million of those dollars. 😅

💖🙏

Victoria