I think I want to just take this day and throw it in the trash.

Started out ok.

Then quickly turned to shit.

And now – I’m back in my room – trying to find some peace – and we have the “burning metal” smell coming in from outside.

Shouldn’t surprise me.

It happens now and then. Started about 5, 6 years ago. Calling the police does nothing. And try filing a report with the EPA.

Someone cooking meth? Who knows. We had the fire department out here once – they smelled it – took an hour of scanning w/their equipment before they determined it wasn’t local – but they smelled it and knew it was not burning trash.

I have over 50 spam emails in my email box just for my website – a first. Things have been quiet here lately – so I get on here – a lot of spam bots. Dirty rotten scoundrels. God, I just hate it here some days. Where is the space where people like me and I fit in?

Anyone?

I can’t get into the “plan” today.

Again.

I just need to vent.

Express my pain.

Seek comfort and support.

Something deep within me is so desperately lonely now – longing for safety. Longing to know what it feels like to FEEL safe. Loved. Wanted. Worth having around.

Connection.

We’ve lost that.

And I don’t know how to get it back.

Not when so many of us have been all but crushed and depleted by this war.

I feel so ungodly trapped.

I cannot tell you how many times I now run outside, look at my car and wonder, “where should I go? where can I go?”

God damn – reaching out – asking for the same damn things – anyone know this? Anyone help with that? promote me? help me? Anyone? It’s lonely as fuch now, and I don’t know how much more oomph, faith – whatever that is that keeps us going – I have in me. I’ve been running on empty for so long – filling myself up – on my own. I have finally seen and learned enough about that – is impossible. We don’t heal in isolation. I’m tired of crying alone in my car. So tired of being told, “no cannot help with that”. Tired of pouring my heart out and sharing my feelings – to mostly silence.

Just so tired of being a human soul in this reality.

Of not being wanted. Or important enough. Or – enough.

Just. so. tired.

Another personal journal entry that I know won’t change my life – but I’m pitiful enough and desperate enough (or so i’ve been told) – that I keep putting myself out there hoping for a lifeline. I guess he was right after all. Go online and cry and whine. See how that works for you.