Author: Victoria1111

I sat at the kitchen table earlier, listening to a public radio station that is 100% listener supported. They are in the middle of a spring fundraiser. I listened as people called in, pledging their support. People who regularly listen, who appreciate and enjoy the programming.

I felt this growing pain inside. I have shared my music and my writing works for over 30 years. Why do I feel guilty when I ask for a monetary exchange? I’m so tired of being told the only block is my thoughts (which I have been working on for over 2 years – something that’s a challenge if you are in my position), but I know it’s something else as well. When I first started this website and my other at buymeacoffee, I felt it was perfectly acceptable to ask for donations as an exchange for the creative work I share. I could see and feel the love and support. And I have kept at it. While there has been some financial waxing and waning, overall, I saw my income stream increase, then slowly decrease to the point where my stomach clenches just sharing these words.

Is work like mine just dead?

Am I not keeping up with trends?

Do people not want to read things?

Are podcasts and tik tok 20 second videos the thing?

I’m tired friends. No – I’m not tired – I am depleted from trying to keep up with everyone and everything else. Depleted from experiencing that there is no room for me here. Depleted from being the person in the class raising her hand only to get passed over for someone younger, brighter, more aggressive, or simply more popular. The idea of figuring out how to do videos or podcasts overwhelms me. It isn’t an excuse. I am not that tech-savvy, and the stress of living and being ripped apart and torn down by abuse has changed my brain. And I have no one – not one person – in my daily life showing up to fight for me, much less help. And it isn’t due to a lack of asking.

It makes me feel crazy. The pain of that level of abandonment is crushing my fucking soul.

Why am I writing this? I don’t know. Perhaps just to get it out of me.

So I guess I don’t know what the hell I’m doing other than finding some inner power that says I matter. What I do has value. I am worthy. I am every bit as worthy of being out on that Awakening stage as all the other bigger accounts that bring in thousands of views and dollars. I’ve tried connecting with many of these folks, and not ONE has agreed to give me a boost, which IMHO tells me a lot about their character, especially since I have always been one to give someone the spotlight for a moment. All they need to do is ask.

We are supposed to be here for one another.

And yet, just like high school and life, this place is one giant popularity contest, isn’t it?

It still is.

That spell.

That spell that says “ignore them, they’re small, pay attention to the loud shiny one over there”.

Go with the crowd.

I’m fucking done with that.

Crowds become cults.

And I struggle with that.

I want my piece of the pie.

There isn’t much I am capable of doing – not consistently. PTSD has literally all but consumed me. And it isn’t easy to heal from that when you are under ongoing financial pressure and ongoing living situation pressure. And there’s a story behind that one, too. The living situation. Let’s just say I’ve done things I normally would never have wanted to do just to keep myself housed in this place. I’ve lived with ongoing pressure for 14 years just to stay housed here. I’ve experienced character attacks – and false accusations – ongoing threats – from someone with a lot of money and thus more power over my life. Why? Because I have had a child to think about, and the rent here is drastically cheaper. And that – oh God – that is poison to me – the levels I have stooped to just to have a home – but I did it because you do what you have to do here at times to survive – even if it means lowering your standards and succumbing to someone with financial status. Sure, I have had legal protections, but I know the system now (been there, done that) and simply because something is on paper doesn’t mean it will be used to help you. $$ talks. $$ is power. $$ makes this matrix operate.

So, to the guilt within me?

I crush it. It’s just another spell here.

So at this moment, I am a walking paradox. I have total disdain towards any system that demands I pay it to survive. And I also ask to be paid for the work I provide. For at the end of the day, for every one of us, we are all selling out to this matrix.

Until it’s destroyed.

💖

Victoria

This explains why I had the nudge to watch the movie again a couple of weeks ago. I may watch it yet again.

“Have a good life. See you soon.”

VAL KILMER AI CONTROVERSY: A Year After His Death, a Digital Replica of Star in New Movie Ignites Angry Fan Reactions

Indeed that was. CALL THE BALL? Insurrection Act?

MIRROR. Today starts the Waxing Crescent Moon Phase.

Yay!

👀

Do it do it do it!

BTW I shared this at 7:11pm (pst) – will this bring in the UK? Is this to see who is loyal to who?

https://www.timesofisrael.com/liveblog_entry/iran-targets-but-fails-to-hit-us-uk-diego-garcia-military-base-report

Iran fired two intermediate-range ballistic missiles at Diego Garcia but did not hit the US-U.K. military base in the Indian Ocean, the Wall Street Journal reports, citing multiple US officials.

One of the missiles failed in flight, while a US warship fired an SM-3 interceptor at the other, although it could not be determined if the interception succeeded, the newspaper says. The Journal does not specify when the missiles were fired.

The White House and the British embassy in Washington and the UK’s Defence Ministry do not immediately respond to Reuters requests for comment.

Pretty sure we’re tired too.

😂

UPDATE:

HERE WE GO. STORM IS HERE

VENMO: @VT6610

ZELLE: themamatrinity@gmail.com

CASHAPP: $VictoriaT1144

My girl and I went to the Dollar Tree to pick up a couple of birthday cards. It had been a few months since we had visited the store. It hadn’t changed. But apparently our sensitivities have. Walking in was like an assault on my system. The lights seemed brighter. And the customers seemed to be using outside voices. I could hear conversations 2 aisles away. Clearly. At one point, I had to plug my ears just to focus on the cards in front of me.

My girl had been doing her own thing, came down the aisle I was on and said, “Mom, people are talking REALLY loud! Can we please go? I am overwhelmed.” Usually we shop around this store, but I agreed – let’s pay and get out!

We reflected on this on the way home. Were we becoming too judgmental? Were we just more sensitive now?

I will tell you this – it’s been warm all week, and I have had ZERO desire to go for a bike ride, much less a walk. This is not like me at all. AT. ALL. Is the weather warm? Is the Sun out? I’m on my bike. I’ve been more interested in staying inside or outside on my own property – avoiding even people who walk by. I’ve also been more interested in doing exercises – new exercises – inside – away from this world.

Guys – it’s getting really intense. I sit here alone in the living room on my laptop, listening to Olivia Newton-John, “Have You Ever Been Mellow”.

Music soothing my Soul as much as I can. Mellow. Simple. The world now is overwhelming me big. time. It is anything but mellow, simple or pure. It’s chaotic and loud and just awful.

Anyone else? I seriously have this intense desire to flash out of here – fly away Home in a big flash of beautiful light. That feeeeeeeel is strong in that V avator. I’m telling ya.

I’m done hearing these actors on stage telling us about the cost of living, about their plans for us, telling us how we need to live, their version of events, and the realities of how things are and how things will be. This is what we will pay. This is HOW we will accomplish this goal and that goal. These are the jobs we offer you. These are the taxes you will pay. These are OUR rules and OUR laws.

FUCH IT ALL. Seriously – fuch. that. shit. I have never felt this so clearly and solidly in my Body.

If it isn’t about getting them and their systems out of my experience, I do not want to hear it.

Here is a comm showing Easter/THE END. Remember “Easter is the timeline.”

Saw this too:

8 years ago he said the words.

Quake time:

Quake in Antarctica. Downgraded from a 7.0. Please God, let this be us on the outside breaking down this damn place and letting us the fuch out.

Depth of this quake? We already know, don’t we? 10km.

Here are some quakes in the Drake Passage over the last few months that I find interesting. Notice the 17?

A very nice song that showed up for me. Chills – and a deep need to find my grandparents’ home – sit at their kitchen Formica table – and listen to the radio.

Netanyahu Faces Backlash After Citing Historian Will Durant’s Book — Book Suggests “Evil Will Overcome Good” and “Jesus Christ Has No Advantage Over Genghis Khan”

https://www.zerohedge.com/geopolitical/costa-ricas-president-cuts-diplomatic-ties-cuban-regime

https://www.zerohedge.com/markets/demand-destruction-has-arrived

I love these end-game markers:

Fake. It’s all f a k e.

News stories I am seeing claim BREAKING NEWS, actually released years ago.

TikTok accounts claiming huge news actually exaggerated.

Watching Israel Livestream on a YouTube channel – when alleged strikes come in, the camera moves.

Watching Trump today at the WH talk about Tippy Top and Scott Bessent as Central Casting – and everyone laughs.

FAKE FAKE FAKE. 😂🙄

Pearl Harbor. 9/11 was also our “next pearl harbor”.

Not noticing this – but still seeing one-headlights. And experienced that bizarre red light scan from way above at 3am back in February. And the energy now feels heavy – can you feel that? On your chest? Like we’ve built up and as T says are at THE tippy top moment before all begins to release 3.20. Yup, I gave a date. I said it. going with it. Intending it. There ain’t enough CBD in the world to soothe what is out there today energetically.

MARCH 20th:

I had that dream several nights ago where my girl stopped what she was doing, said “March 20th” then returned to her schoolwork. (BTW – Easter is 17 days from today)

The Republican Party was also founded on March 20, 1854 in Ripon, WI.

And this:

US also invaded Iraq on March 20, 2003.

Please, if any of you can show some $ support ATM for food, I would appreciate it. I am spending the last of my liquidity tomorrow for food. I found a new place to apply for – currently hiring – with paid training – all done remotely.

VENMO: @VT6610

CASHAPP: $VictoriaT1144

ZELLE: themamatrinity@gmail.com

Crosshairs, or reticles, are optical patterns of lines, dots, or circles seen inside gun sights to provide precise aiming points, aligning the weapon with a target.