Author: Victoria1111

I think I want to just take this day and throw it in the trash.

Started out ok.

Then quickly turned to shit.

And now – I’m back in my room – trying to find some peace – and we have the “burning metal” smell coming in from outside.

Shouldn’t surprise me.

It happens now and then. Started about 5, 6 years ago. Calling the police does nothing. And try filing a report with the EPA.

Someone cooking meth? Who knows. We had the fire department out here once – they smelled it – took an hour of scanning w/their equipment before they determined it wasn’t local – but they smelled it and knew it was not burning trash.

I have over 50 spam emails in my email box just for my website – a first. Things have been quiet here lately – so I get on here – a lot of spam bots. Dirty rotten scoundrels. God, I just hate it here some days. Where is the space where people like me and I fit in?

Anyone?

I can’t get into the “plan” today.

Again.

I just need to vent.

Express my pain.

Seek comfort and support.

Something deep within me is so desperately lonely now – longing for safety. Longing to know what it feels like to FEEL safe. Loved. Wanted. Worth having around.

Connection.

We’ve lost that.

And I don’t know how to get it back.

Not when so many of us have been all but crushed and depleted by this war.

I feel so ungodly trapped.

I cannot tell you how many times I now run outside, look at my car and wonder, “where should I go? where can I go?”

God damn – reaching out – asking for the same damn things – anyone know this? Anyone help with that? promote me? help me? Anyone? It’s lonely as fuch now, and I don’t know how much more oomph, faith – whatever that is that keeps us going – I have in me. I’ve been running on empty for so long – filling myself up – on my own. I have finally seen and learned enough about that – is impossible. We don’t heal in isolation. I’m tired of crying alone in my car. So tired of being told, “no cannot help with that”. Tired of pouring my heart out and sharing my feelings – to mostly silence.

Just so tired of being a human soul in this reality.

Of not being wanted. Or important enough. Or – enough.

Just. so. tired.

Another personal journal entry that I know won’t change my life – but I’m pitiful enough and desperate enough (or so i’ve been told) – that I keep putting myself out there hoping for a lifeline. I guess he was right after all. Go online and cry and whine. See how that works for you.

I saw a video circulate about the need to feel safe, something we all need. The narrator was a man, and he spoke of the woman needing to feel safe. And wow, the comments. Women are saying “yes, thank you!” while men are rolling their eyes, tossing out insulting comments, or saying things like “yes, it’s always about the woman’s needs”. Not one man has stepped up and said, “guys, maybe it’s time we LISTEN and HEAR.”

There is this challenge – this fight – that I see happening in the awakening. There’s an attack on feminism. There’s pressure on women to get busy and start having babies (due to population decline). Pressure to return to values of the past. Stay home with your babies. Be a mom. Be a wife. Be a housewife. ALL noble professions and noble ideas. And yet when a woman gives up her income, that leaves her (potentially) incredibly vulnerable because, as we know, money makes this system operate. And without it, you can be left homeless, trapped in situations you want out of but don’t have the money. I see it all. the. time. While poverty affects both genders, it isn’t equal:

I will just say this – you can be a feminist, which is really just saying a woman has the same rights as men to live her life as she chooses – and still want to be a SAHM or a single woman who chooses not to have a male partner in her life. I get that Gloria Steinam was a CIA asset. And I know there has been an agenda to destroy the traditional nuclear family. That doesn’t mean you throw out the inherent message of equality between the genders. I am seeing women finding their voice again and sharing it. What many still fail to realize – most of them men (and this is NOT an attack on the men – in fact, most men in my life see how this reality truly is) – this system is run on masculine energy. Compete to live. Pay to live. It’s toxic and divisive and leaves so many behind, mostly women and children and the vulnerable/disabled.

All we have to do is look at this massive UFC fight on Sunday. Why not share the stage with something that is also feminine? Like a bake-off. Or a fashion show. Or showcase women’s artwork. Personal creations. Auction them off and use the profits to fund women’s shelters or food banks, etc. Because until the stats change that show the vast majority of violence perpetuated on women come from men, until we honor the often quiet, unseen sacrifices of a mother at home just as deeply as the visible doings of a soldier in combat, we women and all men who support our vision of authentic respect, we will continue to speak out.

Here are some further stats:

“Male-on-female violent crime represents a substantial portion of all violent victimization, though the exact percentage varies depending on the type of offense. Overall, Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS) data indicates that about 75% to 80% of violent incidents are committed by male offenders across all victim demographics. When specifically examining cases of intimate partner or domestic violence, male offenders are responsible for approximately 77% of offenses, with about 75% of the victims being female. [1, 2, 4]

Further detailed statistics demonstrate how the gender breakdown shifts across specific violent crimes:

Homicide

• Overall Victims: Males are the majority of overall homicide victims, making up around 75% to 81% of all murder victims globally.
• Female Victims: When the victims are female, about 90% of female homicides are committed by a male offender, often an intimate partner or family member. [1, 2, 3, 4]

Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)

• Offender Breakdown: The vast majority of intimate partner violence perpetrators are male. For example, law enforcement agencies report that around 77% of perpetrators in family violence incidents are male.
• Victim Breakdown: Approximately 74.5% of all victims of violent crimes occurring within a domestic or intimate relationship are female. [1, 3]

Sexual Assault and Rape

• Perpetrators: According to both national and international reports, males are overwhelmingly the perpetrators of sexual assault, accounting for over 90% of recorded offenders in these categories. [1]
• Victims: Females account for the vast majority of nonfatal rape and sexual assault victims, generally comprising 83% to 90% of reported cases depending on the survey. [1]

Aggravated Assault

• Arrests: Looking at official law enforcement arrests, males commit the majority of aggravated assaults, typically making up around 76% to 77% of arrestees. [1, 2]
• Male-on-Female: In incidents of aggravated assault directed specifically from male to female, this dynamic is one of the most frequently reported forms of nonfatal severe domestic assault. []”

NONE of this is saying that women don’t abuse men or that girls don’t bully/abuse boys. This does happen. It’s a trend that has increased. Something else we need to talk about.

But first things first:

As I say, until women and children are as safe to walk the streets as are men, we have a problem of violence that is largely male-caused, and we need to talk about it. And heal. Together. And we do that by showing up and listening to one another’s stories with an open mind and an open heart. (and mediators – lol – seriously though, these discussions need mediators from what I have experienced)

💖

Victoria