i’m quite tired and reflective tonight. i awoke feeling, again, agitated, restless. there was also a depressed feeling. i sat with this for awhile, went within and had some emotional release. i felt rather like a young child for awhile and at first i began to judge myself. thankfully i had, in recent days, read of a woman’s experience where she said she was quite embarrassed with the emotional purging that was coming out ~ as though she was a small child. a similar experience was shared by a male who said he was suddenly acting out like a 15 year old.
i took clues from a dream i had last night and later in the day, had some old stuff come out in regards to being around people who drink alcohol. i have known since i was a child alcohol was poison. it changes a person. it also allows one to be open to interference of the toxic/harmful energetic kind. as a child i would witness this and it frightened me – now i see, rightfully so. i see no purpose in the consumption of alcohol and i will be glad to be in a realm where it isn’t consumed. i know this is a highly unpopular opinion but it is a life long feel i have. perhaps drinks that taste like alcoholic beverages without the poison. anyway, some emotions came up with this – mostly sadness, some anger too and how i was left alone with alcoholics as a child. even though i drank my fair share in high school and college, by the time i was in my mid to late 20’s, i had more or less given it up. i recall hanging out with friends, being the only one who wasn’t drinking. it’s a lonely experience. and uncomfortable for again, i just didn’t feel “safe” being around people, even friends, who would change their personality only to revert back to their sober selves the next day. i was with someone at the time who would become very open and affectionate and it bothered me. of course i was labeled the one with the problem. friends would say take advantage of it.
game playing. i learned to do it but i never once enjoyed it. fake fake fake
anyway so a lot of purging and FRIGGING FRACK i am weary now with purging. i hesitated sharing the above experiences because i am so ready to be DONE with this. tired of this stuff coming up. tired of talking about it. blah blah blah SIGH………..lol groundhog purging… it was some comfort to me to listen to linea’s latest where she too speaks of purging. i will link it in a bit. she mentions the major purging she is undergoing especially today and how weary she is of purging and of the word. yessssss…
i also headed out for an afternoon bike ride with my girl. i had decided yesterday – and had felt this morning – that this was the one activity i truly still enjoy where i use my body and feel i become one with nature. it feels close to flying. and yet today – i couldn’t get into it. didn’t matter how fast i rode. i came home from the ride sore all over which is very unusual. and energetically within i felt deflated. i groaned as i thought “don’t tell me i’m not going to enjoy THIS activity any longer! what else can i find that i DO enjoy here!”
i did have a couple of moments of pure connection and felt love for all – an understanding – that came deep deep within. forgiveness energy too. i also felt a strong need for just 2 things: connection and purpose. those two words have their own energy to them and both of them were intense – or perhaps a better term is solid. i felt like i touched the bottom of the barrel – removing the stuff – going into the deep core of me. so lots of hugs today – extra hugs. at the park today i had some real moments of connection that felt “real”.
it’s as though the energies of emotions are becoming more clear, more solid and more intense.
that’s all for now. how are you all doing?
love,
victoria
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