I’ve been thinking about this a lot.

I’ve been looking at myself and how I become when I feel desperate.  The Hope I have when I try something new, reach out to this place or that person and end up in another “ok that went nowhere” situation/experience.  I see my bank account and bless it.  And yet I also see each month I’ve been seeing less incoming, prices going up, child in need of things I cannot provide in the way I want and she deserves.  But on I go – reaching out here reaching out there going within trying NEW approaches.  I bounce back up and do my best – but I would be lying if I said inside I do not feel that desperation creep in – no matter what I tell myself.  No matter what inner work I do to shift it.

Now what would relieve that fear – for all of us?  Certainly for me.

A NEW REALITY where there was N E V E R an experience that requires us to give to IT in order just to f’ing survive.  Or at the very least for someone to step in and hear me – see me – and help me take my next step(s).  Or a big ‘ole pile of beautiful abundant money start coming in regularly.  Or one time drop of a nice 6 figure amount.  😄

Seriously though………

Until that time comes, that moment, as slow as fuch as it is going, it’s compete compete compete.  I see so many people here locally offering their services – house cleaning, yard work, automotive, general maintenance.  People selling belongings.  Artwork.  Food they have grown.  Some are desperate – saying they “REALLY” need the extra money.  More and more showing up with their “Any amount helps” signs in front of stores.  How hard must that be to actually do that?  I certainly don’t see happy people behind those signs.  I see blank stares.  I see fatigue.  Anyone who says such folks are lazy needs to walk in their shoes and see how “lazy” they really are.  There’s a story there behind each one.

If Jesus were walking the streets here and elsewhere, he’d be chastising and questioning governments, big businesses, those with their mcdonald mansions, pointing to those sleeping in tents and on park benches:  “What are you doing to help these people?”  Or:

“WHY aren’t you helping these people?”

But he isn’t.  So that leaves me and anyone else who feels as I do.  About love.  Kindness.  Suffering.  Helping.  And this toxic system.

So many songs about this one topic that is ever-present for anyone not in a position of financial wealth and abundance.

Today was another day to continue my phone calls, being bounced around like a hot potato, all in the pursuit of one thing:  money.  Scholarships.  Help with promoting my work.

As I wait for this world to shift and the cost of food and utilities and housing to come down to “sane” doable levels, I continue to call this person who then transfers me off to that person who then transfers me off to another person where I either end up having to leave a message and engage in another lovely round of phone-tag-stupid, too often being told “get in line” with all the other desperate Souls or “sorry we are out of funding” or my personal favorite:  “we cannot help you.”  Today there is light that I MAY be able to get some help at least for scholarships/funding for school.  (I am going to be completely honest and say how concerned I am for that – as I do not know if I have the cognitive ability to pull off all of the memorizing this program entails.  The stress of my life and of the outside reality has taken a toll on me.  I am not the same person I was just 2 years ago.  Memory issues.  Brain fog and near constant fatigue.  I am doing my best to meet myself where I am now – being advised not to push myself – but what other option do I have now?  I am only doing this because my writing works are not bringing me in the income I need.  And this f’ing “plan” has not materialized that new world on my needed timeline.  Ya know?)

For now, I am thinking about forwarding my calls/texts from bill collectors telling me “your account is past due” onto the military and all who are behind this plan who allowed the cost of being alive to skyrocket out of reach.

Good idea?  Yea?  Nay?

Yeah.  I happen to think it is a logical next step.

Conscientious in fact.

As I was told today by one of the many aforementioned people with whom I have been speaking with seeking that very end goal of money money:  “I wish more of our clients were as conscientious as you are.  You have some good ideas.  I will pass them along.”

My idea?  Streamline the process of generating a letter so that it doesn’t SIT (god knows where – not even the CSR knew) for a week before being sent out.  How much money would this save?  How much time is wasted on phone calls such as mine who, just as I thought, letters got crossed in the mail due TO this off 7-day-where-the-hell-does-the-letter-go (on vacation?) before being SENT OUT.  When a letter is printed out with the date of 6.10 and postmarked on 6.17 you know improvement is needed.

And CSR – weed out the useless fodder.  The ones who do not call you back.  Or respond to emails.  Or like what I went through today – a useless internet search for a website I was told to go to and fill out paperwork THAT DOES NOT EXIST.  Oh but there are good ones – and I experienced that today.  Time will tell…

Sometimes the squeaky wheel – of which I now end my messages these days with these outlets “V the squeaky wheel” who is not going to be quiet until she gets the help she needs and deserves – eventually gets some movement and attention.  Also telling a higher up that you are done being tossed around like a hot potato works too.

Sad.

Unnecessary.

You sometimes have to put on hats you would not want to wear.  The desperation hat.  The mama “I HAVE A CHILD HELP ME” hat.  Combined.

So many in need.

And SO MUCH WEALTH and RESOURCES still being hoarded –  kept somewhere – where though is the mystery – same place as those aforementioned letters perhaps.

When it could ALL be released to end this ongoing f’ing financial crushing and beating too many of us are taking.  I thank God every night for those of you who come here and to my other site and support my important works.  It is because of you that my girl and I eat, have heat and running water.  Next month is haircut time and clothes (as she continues to grow OMG!  lol).  I hope the hairstylist will take a 2-3 month payment plan.  I’ll just add it to the 3 others I am on.

💖🙏

Victoria

A random comment.  90% of my comments are from spam bots.  I started this site 9 years ago with the intention of making a mark in the world and connecting with others.  I felt I was a part of something.  Today I feel kicked out and unseen and unwanted.  Like an old person who has so much wisdom to share but the masses are more drawn to the person with the shine and loud voice.  Quiet wisdom is still not appreciated here, making me feel more alone than I ever have.

My healer keeps canceling on me – my sessions have been few and far in between lately.  I reached out to my provider and asked for referrals – received some – picked new people who I liked and felt a resonance with – reached out to them – several times each.  Not hearing a word back.  That has NEVER happened.  Whenever I contact someone new I always hear back after the first attempt.  I called my provider explaining what was up.  Twice.  Not hearing back.

Also seeking scholarships I was told are available – and not hearing back from people who said they would be in touch.  I’m being a loud squeaky wheel too – following up reminding them I’m still here, interested – to please get back to me.

Still waiting to hear back from someone about marketing my writing website and book.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REACH OUT TO PEOPLE AND BE SEEN AND TAKEN SERIOUSLY?  I should not have to push like this – but I guess in this matrix – you do.

I want to apply for financial aid (federal) – for scholarships as I am not eligible for grants given I have a degree and am not interested in taking out loans when I already have bill collectors texting and calling me now saying “your payment is past due”.  To do that requires the spouse to fill out information.  He is not ok doing this.  It’s REQUIRED if legally married.

I am screaming to the world now for help and I am not being taken seriously.  People only drown when others around them allow it.  I’ve given so much of myself – always been willing to have others backs – always willing to help in whatever way I can – and so I am confused and today enraged and bewildered why this is not being returned to me at the same level I have given/offered it.  I don’t feel safe.  I don’t feel supported from god/the universe.  I feel trapped and alone in a dark place – cut off – disconnected – surrounded by people who most can only say “i’m sorry” when it’s easy to gather others and say hey let’s help this person because isn’t that what love looks like?  I long to be free of this horrid empty feeling – this place too that has seemed to produce these feelings in me since I was a child.  People make it when loved and supported.  I’m doing my best to be that person for myself.  As my healer has told me – be that safe person for yourself first.  And yet I realized she also lied to me – saying she had no one when she was going through her darkest period – no one to help – no place to go – she did it all on her own.  And yet I recently learned from her that wasn’t true – she had her family who took her in.

i’ve realized something about myself – and perhaps this is TMI but hey – i don’t really think i care anymore what i look like how i sound or what i say or who may or may not be offended by my blunt honesty:  i’ve had this belief that i am only allowed to ask for help so many times.  my mom put that one there when i asked for help once 20 some years ago and she said you can’t expect me to help you whenever you need – and i was like at the time stunned – thinking first i could count on one hand the number of times i had asked her for help (as an adult) and second i had no expectations – mostly just fear in asking for help from anyone in my family.  i had learned not to early on – too risky.  that set up the belief that i have a set amount of times i can ask for help.

it isn’t that i haven’t wanted to be better – do different – sometimes i don’t. know. HOW.  i am who i am – and isn’t it ok if i just want some love from others to help lift me up when i don’t feel capable of doing it myself?  even though i can lift myself up – tbh i do it every. single. day. when i get out of bed – morning routine and all.

each and every time i have sought the guidance of a healer/counselor i have at that time PURE intentions in wanting to heal.  i realize now – i don’t know how.  today of course i realize with trauma you don’t talk it away and i wasted over 20 years thinking that approach would be the answer when it never was – but i didn’t give up.  like someone seeking help for a physical issue and medical docs band-aid the issue.  i have this resistance – this deep fear – ancient – within me – i am willing to dive deep and SEE it – but how do i let it go?  other than self talk and ongoing encouragement – i am not sure how to heal.  how to let go.  how do you let go?  i’ve had too many times of people offering to help and they don’t show up.  or they quietly walk away.  if i say i’m going to do something i DO it.  and if i forget and don’t i want to know about it!

this movement was supposed to be about humanity uniting.  and yet i see it’s become just another version of this place – survival of the fittest.  the biggest shiniest accounts get the accolades, energies and attention.  if you can’t compete with that, you get left out.  i honestly never thought or saw myself being in this position i am in.  i thought this site was going to be “IT” for me – in terms of making the money i aimed to make – and having the audience i was intent on creating.  i had had the draw to the name alone since i was 25, 26 years old.  what was it all for?

today?

none of it feels real.

what do i do now?