Category: Uncategorized

Surrendering

 

I no longet know what to do.  I pray and intend.  I have NEVER felt this level of intense lonliness and confusion.  Frustration.  Desperation.  Not sleeping.  Wanting to jump out of my body…LITERALLY.  I do not know how to shift this.  To change this.  I am … lost.  Just lost.  Numb.  I feel totally betrayed by a plan…a vision….I have felt for so many years that is simply not manifesting.  I feel..well…betrayed.

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4.17.25 ~ Watching and Observing ~ Healing to Manifest ~ Finds….and a very interesting Gematria

 

My work is not just a blog of news finds, my insights and reflections and other tidbits – it’s been a movement since its inception.  Recurring support keeps my work thriving. For $5/month, you help fuel daily truths as we journey towards that New paradigm.  
Thank you for your support!  Links below.
CASHAPP:  $VictoriaT1144

 

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Focus remains more or less within.  Shifting.  Healing the nervous system.  Rewriting the inner scripts.  Quiet.  Solitude.  More than ever.  Seriously – being around people I normally would want to be around is challenging and uncomfortable for me atm.  Coming into the 2nd “feeeeeeels” month for me – May.  It does contain the SKY EVENT term – and on a very special day too.

Here are zee finds….

💖

Victoria

******

 

This was kind of the biggest news out west today….

Trump says Fed chief’s ‘termination cannot come fast enough’ – Insider Paper

US President Donald Trump said Thursday that “termination” of the independent head of the Federal Reserve “cannot come fast enough” as he lashed out at Jerome Powell’s warnings of tariffs-fueled inflation.

In a scathing post on his Truth Social app, Trump repeated a demand for Powell to lower interest rates, suggesting the Fed Chair’s decisions were “always TOO LATE AND WRONG.”

“Powell’s termination cannot come fast enough,” Trump wrote. “Too Late should have lowered Interest Rates, like the ECB, long ago, but he should certainly lower them now.”

Interesting – “too late” to start the sentence refers to a person.  Let’s do a gematria on this one:

TOO LATE (88)

Space Ship

Trump

Get Out

Gods Plan

The Shift

The Grand Finale

Ten Days

 

 

My sense on this – game playing due to the “tariff wars” – one side wants the chaos…………

 

remove the decimal and add in a zero.  housing needs to be equitable and affordable for everyone – if the rats are being removed from the system.  

 

 

 

NEW: Supreme Court Agrees to Hear Arguments in Trump Birthright Citizenship Case

 

Ex-NYPD Sergeant Michael McMahon Sentenced to Prison for Operating as Illegal Agent of Communist China

 

 

 

 

 

 

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wonky weirdness….it’s as though i can “see” people behind the computers putting this stuff out there for us to see inside this place.  i think i need to get some sleep now.  lol

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Here are other ways to support my work:

1. You can support me at my other page where I share my personal musings, music and photography:  Victoria T is creating Intuitive Reflections of the world around me…. (buymeacoffee.com)

2.  My inter-active Journal, “Live To Impress Yourself” on sale at LULU.COM.

3.  I am also an affiliate for BlueHost.  If you or someone you know are interested in starting/creating a website and are in need of a hosting company, check out BlueHost. It’s who I use, and I have always found them very helpful from setup to assistance. Click on the previous link to get yourself set up!

 

And…..Please find and follow me on the following platforms. 💜💥💖

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Disclosure amping up – including new Trump appointee at the EPA talking about geoengineering. Other finds.

 

Some nice music to listen to as you scroll.

 

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Sun news (starting to go down atm):

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Looked last night – didn’t see anything.  Will give it a go tonight….

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The level of stewpid…..……..

 

 

 

I will tell you this – we are all noticing females who took the jabber are looking like they are pregnant.  And they’re not.  

 

 

Disclosure continues…

 

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Now release the cures!

 

 

lol  5k are IRS employees.  They must be the ones who read the code book.

 

 

 

 

Puerto Rico goes completely dark after another island-wide power outage

 

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Forget-Me-Nots

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My work is not just a blog of news finds, my insights and reflections and other tidbits – it’s been a movement since its inception.  Recurring support keeps my work thriving. For $5/month, you help fuel daily truths as we journey towards that New paradigm.  
Thank you for your support!  Links below.

 

CASHAPP:  $VictoriaT1144

 

Here are other ways to support my work:

1. You can support me at my other page where I share my personal musings, music and photography:  Victoria T is creating Intuitive Reflections of the world around me…. (buymeacoffee.com)

2.  My inter-active Journal, “Live To Impress Yourself” on sale at LULU.COM.

3.  I am also an affiliate for BlueHost.  If you or someone you know are interested in starting/creating a website and are in need of a hosting company, check out BlueHost. It’s who I use, and I have always found them very helpful from setup to assistance. Click on the previous link to get yourself set up!

 

And…..Please find and follow me on the following platforms. 💜💥💖

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Gab

Truthsocial

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Bizarro World ~ 4.14.25

 

My work is not just a blog of news finds, my insights and reflections and other tidbits – it’s been a movement since its inception.  Recurring support keeps my work thriving. For $5/month, you help fuel daily truths as we journey towards that New paradigm.  
Thank you for your support!  Links below.
CASHAPP:  $VictoriaT1144

******

Or in this case, “ewww what’s that smell!”

Ya’ll know I recently shared our experience going into the local Kroger store – how it smelled like a sewer (and how dirty the floors were).  Further investigation where I found a local conversation on this showed it had been going on for awhile and that there was a rat problem.  I’m not the only one who contacted them.  The loud voices got the needed attention – the smell is gone and the floors are clean.

And now I have noticed a nasty smell in my local healthy store – like someone who hadn’t taken a shower in over a week shared their smell.  Also in the produce section (same location with the Kroger store).  I thought it was due to someone working there in that particular section – for it is a localized odor – but nope – returning today – same smell, same spot.  UGH!  I mean really – people aren’t smelling that?!  I know there are people around these parts who only bathe 1-2x/week because they believe they are saving us from some future water shortage.

I don’t know.  Things are just so bizarre to me right now – I CLING to any moment of purity.  Like today – after seeing the story trending everywhere that the bees are gone.  No one’s seeing bees.  Well come to my neighborhood because they are literally everywhere now.  On our walk we saw clusters of them on trees, on flowers and just flying around.  So – maybe fake news?  Pushing “their” narrative – destroy the bees = no food.  But out west?  We got ’em.

 

 

 

 

 

Trump administration freezes $2.2 billion in grants to Harvard

 

Interesting timing………

ICE: Federal judge sides with Trump in allowing immigration enforcement in houses of worship – ABC7 Los Angeles

 

 

There’s a message in there………..not a positive for JD…………Yes it came apart but JD still dropped it.  Notice Trump off to the right talk with the guy holding the Trump t-shirt – their interaction.  Body language.  Need a lip reader on this one.  Or it could all just be an accident – but in this scripted happening – I don’t think this was accidental………..

 

Wondering if he calls out the real mastermind………….m o s s a d / see eye a

 

“I’m Not Going To Do It”: El Salvador Refuses To Return Alleged MS-13 “Terrorist” To US | ZeroHedge

 

 

I had to look up with a market “death cross” is.  I read this a hundred times – still don’t get it.  And honestly don’t want to.  I still want a reality – for just a month or so – where instead of having to understand the $$ stuff people have to play the piano instead to make $$.  I would kick ass during this month and inject some needed humble pie into the minds of people who criticize those of us who simply don’t understand the markets.  I don’t speak evil – but I do speak music.  

A “death cross“ in the context of the S&P 500 (and other stock market indices) is a chart pattern that occurs when a stock’s 50-day moving average crosses below its 200-day moving average. It’s often seen as a bearish signal, suggesting that a potential correction or downtrend in the market may be developing. 

 

Other $$ stuff – more pausing on the T’s out of the EU for a few more months which makes me do this………….just NO just MAKE IT STOP this back and forth just NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!

 

Dogs are better………..

 

The shoes………

 

Here are other ways to support my work:

1. You can support me at my other page where I share my personal musings, music and photography:  Victoria T is creating Intuitive Reflections of the world around me…. (buymeacoffee.com)

2.  My inter-active Journal, “Live To Impress Yourself” on sale at LULU.COM.

3.  I am also an affiliate for BlueHost.  If you or someone you know are interested in starting/creating a website and are in need of a hosting company, check out BlueHost. It’s who I use, and I have always found them very helpful from setup to assistance. Click on the previous link to get yourself set up!

 

And…..Please find and follow me on the following platforms. 💜💥💖

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Meandering plethora of words mixed in with a few headlines – 4/14/25

 

There is a disturbance in the Force.  It is “their” day.  My dreams had me in a situation where I was escaping from a dark ugly reality – driving through a variety of roadblocks including someone following me.  Suddenly there was no light anywhere – and knowing this person was still following me trying to run me off the road – I pulled over and confronted them – did some physical maneuvering – got back in my car and continued on.  Woke up agitated.  Spent a lot of time relaxing my body – self soothing.  But that something within me remains agitated.

And why wouldn’t I feel that way when this reality doesn’t align with WHO I AM and WHO I ALWAYS will be?  You know?

As I wrote earlier on a platform:

Ok as much as I post about headlines, etc …
REAL me wants to see this entire f’ing rotten evil satanic controlling $ystem brought. down. 
NONE of it aligns with me.
Not even a “cleaned up” version.
ANYTHING that seeks to tell me I have to do what some system says just to survive IS BY ITS VERY NATURE E V I L. 
P E R I O D.
*this message is Jesus approved

Felt this was appropriate given the week we are in.

😄😜

Last night we ate some meat from a wholesale distributor – to save money – which I did not know that little part about.  That means you don’t know where it came from much less if it even came from a cow.  Anyway, it was the one food we all ate and all of us experienced nausea and pain in our tummies.  What’s interesting is when I first looked up this particular company, prior to purchasing, I had a totally different search result than I did today.  Nowhere were there poor reviews and nowhere did it come up that they were simply a wholesale distributer but instead saw where they were a local meat company about 70 miles north of here.  Great reviews.  Today?  Different search result.  Not surprising.

Nothing surprises me now – really – once I get past my heart that says, “no this cannot be!”

The heart knows what is ok – what is pure – what is real – and honestly how things should be.

Trying to find true lasting peace now.  It’s a moment-by-moment experience.  Crystal bowl soundbath music.  Silence.  So many jumping on the bandwagon of shifting to your higher dimensional self – and yet we’re all still here in this 3D space.  Still – I come through the fog and aim for Love.  BTW – today is “WORLD QUANTUM DAY”.  Interesting.

💖

Victoria

******

 

This leaves me baffled.  Absolutely positively baffled:

Trump Administration Fast-Tracks Controversial Self-Amplifying mRNA Vaccine for H5N1 Bird Flu | The Gateway Pundit | by Jim Hᴏft

 

 

Ok one, the term “death cross” – if that does not convince even the most devout MAGA AND leftists that THE MARKET IS by its very nature satanic/dark/evil………….And two – death CROSS – during Holy Week?  Where the fuch is the off button to this place and the exit door? 

 

And here’s a Gematria to end this short piece:  WORLD QUANTUM DAY

Two Two (other day on a walk i saw a penny – haven’t seen a penny on a walk in years – picked it up – 2022 – shiny too like it had just been released from the mint)

Wizard of Oz

Ingersoll Lockwood

You Are The Phoenix

I Am Here For A Purpose

She Is The Female Jesus

 

My work is not just a blog of news finds, my insights and reflections and other tidbits – it’s been a movement since its inception.  Recurring support keeps my work thriving. For $5/month, you help fuel daily truths as we journey towards that New paradigm.  
Thank you for your support!  Links below.
CASHAPP:  $VictoriaT1144

 

Here are other ways to support my work:

1. You can support me at my other page where I share my personal musings, music and photography:  Victoria T is creating Intuitive Reflections of the world around me…. (buymeacoffee.com)

2.  My inter-active Journal, “Live To Impress Yourself” on sale at LULU.COM.

3.  I am also an affiliate for BlueHost.  If you or someone you know are interested in starting/creating a website and are in need of a hosting company, check out BlueHost. It’s who I use, and I have always found them very helpful from setup to assistance. Click on the previous link to get yourself set up!

 

And…..Please find and follow me on the following platforms. 💜💥💖

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Telegram

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Gab

Truthsocial

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4.13.25 ~ Trump – “EXTRAORDINARY” Easter Week. And that heli crash looks like what crashed was not what took off (reminds me of Diana’s car “accident”). Other finds

 

 

Before I share the finds, I will share what I’ve been sensing/feeling – which was very palpable and intense last night:  The desire to let it all go and get outta here.  Jump into a new world.  THE new world.  I no longer have much a concept as to what it looks like – as in I am attached to nothing – nothing here, nothing there.  A floating weightless aimless meandering Spirit who is waiting to be pulled – attracted TO – that right place/space.  It’s a strange feeling – my mind struggles to find peace with it and it can’t so I don’t dwell on the experience.  It was a wee bit of a comfort to see others speaking of feeling quite the same now.  As one said – what used to bring him joy in knowing about this change/shift – now contains no joy but apprehension.  It could be something along the lines of knowing a HUGE move is coming – to your ideal home and location – only a part of you knows it’s years down the road so the ego doesn’t resist as it knows it is SAFE for NOW.  But as that moment approaches, apprehension sets in for the ego knows it cannot control the move/event.

That’s the best way I can describe it.  Although for me last night it was a mix of “GET ME OUT OF HERE” and “NOT UNLESS I CONTROL IT”.  lol

Here’s what I’m seeing on stage with central casting.

💖

Victoria

******

 

Feeeeeeeeeeeeels:

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Amid $20 billion legal war with CBS, Donald Trump calls to cancel network’s license in fresh attack – The Economic Times

 

 

Space can have these sellouts.  Maybe giant portal will open up and swallow ’em up……….

Blue Origin launch: How to watch Katy Perry, Gayle King head to space

 

New Shepard’s launch window opens at 9:30 a.m. ET Monday, according to Blue Origin.

Like all of Blue Origin launches, the vehicle will lift off at Launch Site One, a private ranch in rural West Texas more than 140 miles east of El Paso.

 

 

 

Fully jabbed family member – had clothes sent here.  I opened up the box – within moments itched in the area that seems most affected after exposure.  I put it out in the garage – over 1 month later – got it out today to ready it for donation – I STILL ITCHED.

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He knows/knew:

 

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Doing the right thing….

 

Way back machine into the Classics……..

 

Another way back……….

 

 

 

 

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******

My work is not just a blog of news finds, my insights and reflections and other tidbits – it’s been a movement since its inception.  Recurring support keeps my work thriving. For $5/month, you help fuel daily truths as we journey towards that New paradigm.  
Thank you for your support!  Links below.
CASHAPP:  $VictoriaT1144

 

Here are other ways to support my work:

1. You can support me at my other page where I share my personal musings, music and photography:  Victoria T is creating Intuitive Reflections of the world around me…. (buymeacoffee.com)

2.  My inter-active Journal, “Live To Impress Yourself” on sale at LULU.COM.

3.  I am also an affiliate for BlueHost.  If you or someone you know are interested in starting/creating a website and are in need of a hosting company, check out BlueHost. It’s who I use, and I have always found them very helpful from setup to assistance. Click on the previous link to get yourself set up!

 

And…..Please find and follow me on the following platforms. 💜💥💖

Substack

Telegram

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

Anonup

Gab

Truthsocial

Quora

Medium

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4.11.25 ~ More info on the plane crash in NY, OB’s WH Portrait removed. 17 References in the vibe… and other early day finds

 

My work is not just a blog of news finds, my insights and reflections and other tidbits – it’s been a movement since its inception.  Recurring support keeps my work thriving. For $5/month, you help fuel daily truths as we journey towards that New paradigm.  
Thank you for your support!  Links below.
CASHAPP:  $VictoriaT1144

 

 

“17” person investigation team.  We have to remember that “they” have long engaged in false flag ops – where not everyone “dies” as is promoted.  Could this be a mirror tactic?

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Interesting – first thing I thought of “when a plan comes together”………

Hudson River helicopter pilot ID’d as Sean Johnson, Navy SEAL veteran

The pilot of the doomed helicopter that crashed into the Hudson River was a Navy SEAL veteran — and posted chilling video of himself last month proudly flying in the same type of chopper over Lower Manhattan.

“When it all comes together…,” Sean Johnson, 36, wrote next to the now-eerie Facebook footage, which showed him in a Bell 206 helicopter March 27.

 

I found this – possible connection to the above but also the find below – just interesting timing/connection……….

 

 

 

 

More 17 references……..

 

This – yes.  CH and RUSSIA Prez working w/POTUS.  If they weren’t, we would be in WWIII by now….

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DOJ Releases 700 Pages of Crossfire Hurricane Russia-Russia-Russia Documents – FBI Informant and Crackhead Stefan Halper Featured Prominently | The Gateway Pundit | by Jim Hoft

 

This is HUGE news:

Trump Moves to Gut NOAA’s Climate Research

 

Gonna rather miss having our own little time zone here:

Trump calls for permanent daylight saving time

 

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A VERY COSTLY EVENT – Gematria:

The Calm Before The Storm (i know we are fed up hearing that phrase – my feel – when the [controlled] storm is shown it is quick in duration)

Nikola Tesla Reincarnated

Last Day Under The Sun

For Love To Set All Free

A lot of kennedy references in this one too

 

Here are other ways to support my work:

1. You can support me at my other page where I share my personal musings, music and photography:  Victoria T is creating Intuitive Reflections of the world around me…. (buymeacoffee.com)

2.  My inter-active Journal, “Live To Impress Yourself” on sale at LULU.COM.

3.  I am also an affiliate for BlueHost.  If you or someone you know are interested in starting/creating a website and are in need of a hosting company, check out BlueHost. It’s who I use, and I have always found them very helpful from setup to assistance. Click on the previous link to get yourself set up!

 

And…..Please find and follow me on the following platforms. 💜💥💖

Substack

Telegram

Facebook

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Gab

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A check-in/interesting experience: I GOT THE POWER. And some finds/headlines ~ 4.9.25

 

My work is not just a blog of news finds, my insights and reflections and other tidbits – it’s been a movement since its inception.  Recurring support keeps my work thriving. For $5/month, you help fuel daily truths as we journey towards that New paradigm.  
Thank you for your support!  Links below.
CASHAPP:  $VictoriaT1144

 

This is a fun experience to share.  I had to do a phone call with my healer today as her area was under an unexplained power outage.  It was a good call – very high energy/vibe.  At the end I felt a nudge to ask what was up with the power outage.  She said she didn’t know and just as I began to say “you shouldn’t be having one” BAM the power comes back on.  She got excited, said how funny it was it came on just as we talked about it.  After the phone call I turned on some music, started singing along, “I GOT THE POWER”.  Moving and grooving.  Walked over to my laptop to look something up, opened up the top and there on my screen (where I have a stream of ongoing pictures of my own that circulate) was a split: on the left side was an image of Jesus, on the right, a picture of the transformer on the pole outside.  lol

SERIOUSLY?!  I got a good giggle out of that one.  Thanked the Universe and went about my day.  But not before I changed up the lyrics, singing, “I got the power in me.  You got the power in you.  Together our power creates our Destiny.”

Here’s what I’m seeing.

💖

Victoria

 

A “missing data/black gap” line…….All at the 17:00 hour too….

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BREAKING: Trump to Revoke Chris Krebs’s Security Clearance — Orders DOJ Investigation into Role in ‘Stolen’ 2020 Election | The Gateway Pundit | by Brian Lupo

 

BREAKING: House Passes Rep. Darrell Issa’s No Rogue Rulings Act to Limit Rogue Activist District Court Judges – One Republican Votes “No” | The Gateway Pundit | by Jordan Conradson

 

Toilets should be next up……….

High Flow Shower Heads Are Back! Trump Signs Executive Order to End War on Relaxing Showers – Drops His Best Line Yet! (VIDEO) | The Gateway Pundit | by Jim Hoft

 

The Art of the Deal: Trump Pauses Tariffs on Countries That Didn’t Retaliate, Causing U.S. Stocks to Skyrocket — China Tariff Now at 125% | The Gateway Pundit | by Jim Hᴏft

 

DHS Revokes Status of Almost a Million Illegals Who Entered US Through CBP One App- Send Message Users Via App to  Leave “Immediately” | The Gateway Pundit | by Margaret Flavin

 

I’m still on the fence about this one.  Recently got called a B. Gates idiot for even talking about it on my site.  😂🙄  I was like dude, seriously?  If anyone is an idiot, it’s you for you clearly have no clue who I am.  Anyway, T never spoke of this particular treatment – it got pushed big time by some big accounts – and I just always felt off.  Then there’s the whole “what is a virus” topic – which is another rabbit hole I’ve peaked into off and on over the years.  “they” lie about everything.  There is one thing I do feel strongly about – solidly I will say – when it comes to any sort of inflammation in the body that originated from stored trauma(s) – you can’t supplement it away.  I’ve tried.  You can supplement for support – but to heal requires the releasing/reprocessing of that stored energy using specific somatic based practices.  And I KNOW this to the core of WHO I AM: “they” gave us “their” dna including that “reptilian brain” which enables trauma to stick.  I don’t know how many times I’ve been told that the brain more or less holds on to negative experiences – and thoughts.  It takes several repetitions of positive thoughts to change that – but funny only one negative experience – especially in childhood – can stay put.  Yeah, fuch “their” hijack.  Frequency event to return the diamonds.  (today on a nudge while in that good space, i opened a book of mine – there looking back at me was the simple phrase: “HERE COMES THE SUN” – showed a rainbow starting to cover the sun)

Idaho Legislature Clears Way For Ivermectin To Be Sold Over The Counter | ZeroHedge

 

This is powerful:

I know of people who have totally rewritten past events……….Brain is a supercomputer……..”You could create enough of a visualization for yourself and build that ability….at one point would think it’s so true that the world would meet you and put it into your life.”

 

Read it?  We live it:

Here are other ways to support my work:

1. You can support me at my other page where I share my personal musings, music and photography:  Victoria T is creating Intuitive Reflections of the world around me…. (buymeacoffee.com)

2.  My inter-active Journal, “Live To Impress Yourself” on sale at LULU.COM.

3.  I am also an affiliate for BlueHost.  If you or someone you know are interested in starting/creating a website and are in need of a hosting company, check out BlueHost. It’s who I use, and I have always found them very helpful from setup to assistance. Click on the previous link to get yourself set up!

 

And…..Please find and follow me on the following platforms. 💜💥💖

Substack

Telegram

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

Anonup

Gab

Truthsocial

Quora

Medium

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4.8.25 ~ End of day Finds ~ Tariffs now officially in place (4/9)

 

My work is not just a blog of news finds, my insights and reflections and other tidbits – it’s been a movement since its inception.  Recurring support keeps my work thriving. For $5/month, you help fuel daily truths as we journey towards that New paradigm.  
Thank you for your support!  Links below.
CASHAPP:  $VictoriaT1144
******
May be an image of text that says '"So what are your hobbies?" Me: um pattern recognition'
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When I was up early this morning, I saw 2 trillion had been added (making me think the usual – who put it there?).  Several hours later, it was gone.  Back and forth goes the crazy clowns on the crazy train…

S&P 500 rebound collapses in biggest U-turn since at least 1978. Investors can’t shake tariff jitters. – MarketWatch

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Asia atm:

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Trump teases targeted tariffs on overseas drug manufacturers – MarketWatch

 

Trump believes iPhones can be made in the US, says White House | The Verge

 

President Trump Says Top Team From South Korea “On a plane Heading to the U.S.” to Discuss Trade, Tariffs, and More, Hints at Deal with China – Press Sec Says “It was a Mistake for China to Retaliate” (VIDEO) | The Gateway Pundit | by Jordan Conradson

 

Up to 70 countries Have Contacted White House Since Tariff Announcement – Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt Says “Countries are Falling Over Themselves to Reform Their Unfair Trade Practices” (VIDEO) | The Gateway Pundit | by Jordan Conradson

 

 

 

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The One Big Beautiful Bill…..

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Gematria: THE ONE BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL

The Phoenix Rising

Buckle up Buttercup (i don’t like that phrase)

Something Big Is Coming

Three Days of Darkness

As The World Turns

Trust Sessions

Mass Injection Event

Got to say – there are some very personal phrases in there for me, including my birthday, which when that happens, I find intriguing….

 

 

 

I needed this.  I see I am at that space where I can surrender and know that Love will always show up – but I also continue to feel I’m still waiting on “something” to change out there.

 

Social media “friends” list went down today – mostly of my own doing.  After being called a deadbeat mom, after being told I offer nothing of value to inspire people to donate, after having religion pushed on me while ignoring my boundaries as I state that is not my thing – after being unheard after my specific requests for the specific kind of help I seek – and if I share how that hurts I become the “problem”.  Oh yeah?   Well…..I. have. had. it.  Gloves are off – anyone who crosses those boundaries again with me – they. are. removed.  No second chances with me now.  And it has surprised me – shocked me actually – how these have been women doing this.  As women – as sister’s – we are supposed to be SUPPORTING each other – not attacking.  No criticizing.  Listening, not overpowering and silencing.  It’s a shit show out there – it’s hard on all of us.  Kindness goes a long way as does compassion.  Even if someone can’t help – show that kindness and compassion.  I know what feels safe.  And as F. Gump said – “I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is.”  Indeed.  And I give deep thanks to those who did show up today, hearing me, holding space.  

May be an image of text that says 'They are not not confused. They are committed to misunderstanding you. Because understanding you would require self awareness. Accountability. It will require them to admit that the version they created created in their head of yли, wasn't actually you..it .it was just easier to control.'

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3.  I am also an affiliate for BlueHost.  If you or someone you know are interested in starting/creating a website and are in need of a hosting company, check out BlueHost. It’s who I use, and I have always found them very helpful from setup to assistance. Click on the previous link to get yourself set up!

 

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So here I sit in the living room another night of restless sleep. I took a huge dropper of CBD did nothing.

I feel and continue to feel lost and alone. I have intended and requested and stated what I need for so many months and have yet to have my needs met. Instead what I have been receiving is unwanted and unneeded advice. I have issues I have a dysregulated nervous system that I am continually working on healing with the help of the counselor I see.

It is painful to experience not being seen for who you are and where you are. Humanity seems to have lost the ability to see others where they are rather people seem to see others from their own vantage point instead of Through The Eyes of the other person. And I think this is the number one reason why so many people are drowning now. People don’t just fall through the cracks quickly or quietly. I’m a very vocal person and in spite of my challenges I am still capable of determining what it is that I need as well as stating those needs. I need a miracle I need support system I need friends to check in on me to see how I’m doing without waiting for me to do the checking in giving my schedule and how distracted mentally I’ve become. When I say I’m not doing well I mean I am not doing well. I have so many gifts to offer and the world just doesn’t seem to want them aside from a handful of people.

I’m worried for myself and I am worried for my girl. Why don’t people understand that I can’t do this on my own? Why is it I see others who are in similar situations at least financially and they share their needs online and they get their needs met? Are some people just more valuable and more important? It makes me wonder more where the hell I really am. I’ve always been willing to help other people from where they’re at I have always been willing and have asked people what do you need what can I do for you and it pains the f*** out of me to see to know that I simply have not had that experience come back to me in the way that I know I need and deserve.

I know I can’t keep putting my heart out there and receive silence. I could have been helped in the way that I needed if people would have just come together. Nobody makes it here on their own I don’t care who you are. When somebody when a person is drowning that is when they need the most support. I feel like I am in a fighting battle with something that I have no desire to battle with something that is pushing me to become one of the homeless. Or certainly to stay trapped where I don’t belong or where I don’t want to be. I will admit I’m scared out of my f****** mind right now.  Financial stress is causing me too much mental anguish. And the pain in my heart that I feel after how diligently I have been putting myself out there in new ways with new work along with this work for the past year and a half and I have gotten absolutely nowhere. When I say I need help I don’t know I just I feel so alone and lost and I don’t know what to do different. And I am this way because I have had to go this alone and I keep saying I can’t do it alone and that is not me being negative in myself talk it’s because I know the reality of what it takes especially in today’s world. I see others in my situation who are able improve their lives and that only happens because other people have stepped in and help them.

I am not discounting any of you who suppirt what I do here.  I see others reach out on social media and have a swarm of people gather.  Or some will say hey we need to help this person and a tribe is born.  That would be a nice experience.  Maybe put an end to what my girl has been saying lately which is for me to just stop…stop trying.  people are not going to rally around you mom.

Mama disagrees.

And on that note I will end this piece.

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