Today has been heart-breakingly challenging ugh. It came in late last night – started as anxiety all over and feeling as though something was trying to break my mind. Today I am struggling just to go on. I can only take so much heart-break before I just give up in one moment of “fuch it all”. And I. Am. Right. There.
I see no point where I am – in my state of numb – where I can’t reach that heart space – where I have been cut off and shut out. My life was never supposed to be like this. Ask me at 5, 10, 15 – hey what if your life includes these scenes – NO F’ING WAY. I strive so f’ing hard to connect and have real conversations – in ways I was never taught.
Every night I put myself out there. Every day I ask for what I need. And now – in recent days and weeks – off and on – I am feeling more. and. more. cut. off. Not seen. Invisible. Bottom line – I. Feel. Invisible. I don’t feel what I do matters. As I have been told, what I do is not enough and “pathetic”. Ha – maybe the jokers are right. Old wounds, I get it. I cry and purge and let ’em go. Why the f do they keep returning? Doesn’t matter if I tell myself different or say ok I know what this is – that sheot. S T I C K S.
I don’t belong here. I know that. Who does belong here? But this feels different today. Today I’ve been questioning and really wanting to know – just exactly where are we and why are we – why am I – still in this ugly reality and why hasn’t it SHIFTED given what so. many. of. us. are focused on. Ya know? WHY?!
All I feel I accomplish is more of the same ground hog b.s. – spinning my wheels – getting up and going and moments of focus where I make new choices to have something new. But I see that none of those new choices have much power. They’re supposed to.
Some outlet passed along a video to watch – a prayer. I watched it for a few and had to stop. I don’t wanna watch another video on raising my vibes. I don’t wanna waste another moment in prayer with something I can’t see much less feel. I don’t wanna be told to hang in there or keep going. If it ends up with me fighting this alone – what’s the point in that? The purpose? There is none. It usually comes back to just me – me being all I really have.
And that just is not enough for me and certainly is not how I wish to live. I wish I knew how to just be OK with it all.
I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. And I’m off sugar too so I ain’t got no “vice” to provide me an escape.
Oh well. I know I’m preaching to the choir to some of you – the 5 who still come here. 😜 But even that doesn’t give me comfort today.
Today I just………….can’t.
So I won’t.
😴😢🤷♀️💜
V.
p.s. had a dream last night – probably means nothing – could be a poke – i no longer know the difference – i wanted to change my dress (one from the past) – for some event – i said i was leaving to get another one – held up the event apparently to which i said not necessary – i left – in a car – my head was out the window enjoying warm air and sunshine – arrived at some mall – went inside – looked at some dresses – ridiculous prices – saw one with the price tag: $104. that’s the one, i thought. i handed the male clerk a $100 spot – he took it and started to give me change while i’m thinking wait i owe you more $$ – but nope – he handed me back .23 cents. just then i hear “the numbers. look at the numbers.” dream ended.
10.4.23
who the hell knows anymore. (yeah i know it’s the date of that f e m a broadcast thing)
